Today I started on my new site for Gods Vision Online. Actually I started on the layout yesterday and I was disappionted in the way it was looking. I just didn’t like the way it was turning out. I tried 3 different backgrounds…no make that 4. The fourth one I ended up keeping even though I still don’t get how I got the background to fade like that?

It’s beyond me. I only used a solid color and a grid, but the background fades like I used a gradient.

Hmmm…

Oh well.

I’m still hurt about the whole Johnathan thing. I thought he really wanted to be my friend when all he wanted was to have sex with me. That really makes me feel used. Any other time I wouldn’t care about him and wouldn’t give him another thought! I know when it came to ending the friendship with Anthony after being used I was angry, but I didn’t care about him, quickly got over it and never gave him another thought. Life goes on right? What’s wrong with me now? Why am I so touchy, feely, sensitive?

I actually feel sorry for him. He has so many demons on him and no one to help him. I can’t help him anymore. I don’t believe he want’s help though. All you can do is pray for people like that. Just like I need to pray for my Dad.

I hope Jeremy doesn’t read my blog and get mad at me about feeling the way I do. I would apologize for how I feel, but I won’t because that’s how I feel. I don’t love Johnathan…I’ve just had my feelings hurt..that’s all. I really wish he’d stop saying we deserve each other. I don’t want him. I really want Jeremy and I do love him, but I’ll never say it.

Not until I know that the love I feel is really love. Not some strong, emotionally confused feeling that people call love and then go cheat and mistreat whom they claim they love. That’s not love. God is love and God is not confused, he doesn’t mistreat us and he love’s us unconditionally. Satan is the author of confusion and if you are confused when it comes to love then…

my friend…you are not really in love.

Johnny claimed he was in love with me…HA HA! I knew that was garbage! I told him he doesn’t. I wish people would stop using that word so freely. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. That’s why these poor souls (teenage girls) get hurt because they believe some guy loves them when he says it when he only wants S-E-X.

That’s what the world revolves around S-E-X and M-O-N-E-Y. The worlds greatest sins: Sexual immortality and Idoltry.

*Sigh*

Well, enough with the spiritual stuff. Besides the above my day was okay. I pretty much worked on my new site all day. I’ll be adding a link to it when it is about 70% done. We ate spaghetti and meatballs w/garlic toast for dinner and that’s it. I’m going to go to bed now though because Jeremy acts like he can’t sleep unless I’m in the bed with him.

Hmmm…

I wonder how he was able to sleep when he wasn’t here?

That’s something to think about….Naahhh!

Goodnight.

Well I guess I need to update this blog..

What’s been going on?

Confusion…such confusion!

People lying…on me, Jeremy, etc. People lie so much I can’t even tell what’s the truth from a lie. I tried to offer Johnathan spiritual support the other day because I talked to him a few times on the phone and he said he wanted help. I talked to him about God and he would actually agree and give me his insight on things. Then he decided to drop by on Tuesday and never showed up. That day I had so much stuff to show him. I remember him saying that he never got delivered so I decided to start deliverance on him through God. I prayed for him before he was suppose to show up, but he never did. So Thursday he shows up. I had nothing really together. So I went outside with him and we talked for a while walking down the street.

Man, John didn’t talk too much about God at all; instead he talked about Jeremy and how gross he is or he down talked him and called him a punk etc, etc. Then he tried to talk to me on a boyfriend and girlfriend level telling me how so much stuff would be different if I was with him and not Jeremy. He really doesn’t care about Jeremy’s feelings at all. He blames Jeremy for everything that he has ever done bad. He kept asking me to sleep with him and then I told him 1. “I’m not going to let you defile my temple.” 2. “Your sexual demon keeps trying to attack me, but it’s not going to work.” The next thing I know he denies the demon and tries to make other excuses like blaming the whole idea on being exposed to porn and other sexual stuff. Regardless of the excuse…A perverse demon can enter you through being exposed to that because those activities will manifest lust in you which is a sin. This sin will open doors to the lustful, perverse demons.ÂÂ

I really didn’t want Jeremy to know I talked to him because he was going to automatically think we were having relations so we stayed outside. When we did come back. I showed Johnathan a letter Jeremy wrote because Jeremy told me that Johnathan doesn’t want to be my friend he only wants sex. I asked him about it and he said Jeremy was full of crap. Jeremy came over my place and saw Johnathan here and immediately they started fighting. I called my Mom and told her to come get me. I didn’t want to call the police because I didn’t want anyone to go to jail. After a huge argument I spent the night at my Mom’s.

Why did I do that? This is my apartment no one lives here, but me and the kids.

Anyways to make a long story short. I found out that Johnathan obviously didn’t want spiritual help, but sexual help (if you know what I mean). Then he called himself testing me. I feel really discouraged when it comes to helping others because now I feel played. Then he lied and said that I just want to be friends with Jeremy and I want to use him to pay rent when I never said that. I did say I just want to be friends. I told Jeremy that myself. I don’t believe he wants Jeremy and I together. He’s spiteful and a bit wicked if you ask me. So right now I really don’t care for Johnathan at all. We can’t be friends. All I can offer is prayer…from a distance and forgive him for the lies.ÂÂ

What else is new?

I’m thinking of purchasing a used, rebuilt computer for $150. It’s not what I desire, but I need a computer and this will just be something I’ll just have to use until I can get one that is brand new.

I believe Jeremy is moving in…I’m still trying to figure him out though (Better keep $250 saved just in case). I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just don’t want any repeat of events and right now I’ve put a wall around my feelings. I don’t think I’d be able to hold up without it because since my last deliverance I asked God to show me how to love and all I was doing was crying a little each day. That’s not the norm for me, but I guess God had to break the barrier I put up around my emotions first. My Dad actually forced me to place that barrier there…so did life.

Maybe I should bring the wall down…

Any Updates?

The only update’s today is that I’m going to begin working on my spiritual warfare website. I’m going to have a link in the header to GV saying “This site[or ministry] is part of the God’s Vision ministry” and a link saying “Presented by Sweetvanillasugar.com” in the footer. I still haven’t decided on a title to the site. I might just call it Spiritual Warfare.

Today I came up with a new website idea, but it may not be posted on this site. I may create a link later, but since Jeremy has this God’s vision site I think it would be a good idea for each of us to create a subdomain pertaining to our own ministry such as mine (spiritual warfare), others may have a ministry that focuses on certain parts of the Bible, living like Christ, Godly love and marriages, faulty religion, etc. Each of us could combine all our ministries into one under his website God’s-vision. Because I believe that it is God’s vision for us:

 “To reach out to everyone across the world and spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Praying, loving and forgiving one another and helping our brothers and sisters to gain salvation through our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.” – My own quote so don’t try to steal it

What a beautiful vision.

When ever I talk to him, I’m going to make the suggestion. I may not be in an intimate relationship with him anymore, but like I said before I still want to offer my help spiritually anyway I can to him and any one else whom seeks it. God never turned his back on me so why should I turn my back on my brothers and sisters? He still want’s my help with the website so I believe this would be a good idea.

I broke up with Jeremy today and told him I just want to be friends because I’m tired of feeling neglected, miserable and being left alone at home with the kids. We argued, but I stood my ground and made it clear that I just want to be friends.

Last night when he left again I called his Mom’s house 3 times to tell him it was over. The 3rd time I called his brother answered the phone. I asked to speak to Jeremy and he said he went to the store. Then he started asking me how I was doing and how my day was. I striked up a conversation with him because not only because I wanted to keep him on the phone until Jeremy got back, but also because I felt lonely and I needed to socialize with someone. We talked for a while and Jeremy never came back to his Mom’s house. Jeremy’s brother keeps saying he likes me and all this other crap. I told my Mom what he said to me and she said that he has a SERIOUS problem. The conversation started off about Jeremy and how sorry he was about everything. I read this letter Johnathan wrote while he was on the phone even though a few things I didn’t agree with in the letter, but I guess that’s how he felt. I started talking about God to him and then he’ll talk to me about God for a while and then he’ll try to go into an intimate conversation and I’d point the conversation back to God again. If I talk about Jeremy he’ll want to change the subject back to some BS and I would have to switch the conversation back to God again. I mean the stuff he said was really sweet and all, but that’s all game right? I offered him spiritual help because he really needs it [SERIOUSLY] and no one else will help him.

I mean after reading the letter I thought he was actually sincerely sorry. I don’t know if he’s trying to call himself testing me or what, but I’m tired of the whole thing. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. How can you like me and I’m your brother’s [ex]girl?

It’s so stupid, but I don’t care anymore. He’s a dumb 18 year-old. What can you really exspect? He still has a lot of growing up to do. Yeah he seems like a really cool person and I will admit that since we were friends and hanging out we found that we had a lot of stuff in common. We both can draw, like the same kind of movies, video games, food, etc. He’s really a mellow, easy going, carefree person.

 Hanging out with him would be easier because it would be less conflict, but it takes more than just liking the same things. Even though I do feel like that plays a big part because if you want to hang out with your significant other, it’s important that you both enjoy what you both are doing together. That way the two of you can enjoy each other because you both enjoy the activities so there’s no room for conflict. That also goes for conversations too! You both can discuss stuff that the both of you are interested in.

But come on now this is Jeremy’s brother for God’s sake!

I just wish everything was different between Jeremy and I, but it’s too late to erase the past. At least I know what it’s like regarding cheating from both sides. That way the next time I’ll be able to realize what’s going on and will be able to get the hell out of dodge when it’s starting. I won’t make the same mistakes like before…No soul-ties! I won’t cause my self to put up with stuff I shouldn’t have to anymore just because of a soul-tie.

Anyways, back to the conversation…

I talked to him for a while and then I was up all night. I didn’t even go to sleep (This is the 3rd time I’ve been up all night because Jeremy is no where to be found). Everytime I can’t find him I want to break up because I’m tired of that. He says not to call his Mom’s house because he doesn’t want Johnathan to talk to me, but if I knew where he was then I wouldn’t have to talk to Johnathan.

The next day when I asked Jeremy where he was he said he was there. I told him that Johnathan said he wasn’t. He said he was and he called Johnathan and asked him and Johnathan said “I don’t know how to lie for you.”

What is that suppose to mean? You tell me.

If John was lying why wasn’t Jeremy upset about being lied on? If I was there and someone said I wasn’t (considering the circumstances) I would be angry because I’d feel like they lied on me to make me look like I’m messing around and/or so they can talk to my man on the side. Maybe I’m just different.

He wasn’t even upset.

I know what’s up. I’m not a dummy so I broke up with him.

I still want to help Jeremy and Johnathan both spiritually, but I don’t want any relationship with neither one of them except friendship. It’s too many lies, so-called tests, and games. The only one allowed to test me is God.

Today I learned some disturbing things about unclean spirits…

When I went through deliverance I wanted to understand what spirits I was commanding to leave me. I wanted to understand what they are because I’ll have wisdom of what I am in warfare against so I won’t go into battle not knowing who is the enemy and their tactics.

I remember commanding out of me jezebel spirits, lust spirits, familiar spirits, spirit husbands and wives, mermaid spirits etc. I learned what familiar spirits, jezebel spirits and over coarse what lust spirits are, but what are spirit husbands and wives?

You really want to know?

They are also known as Incubus[male] or Succubus[female]. Spirits that come to men and women in their sleep and have sexual relations with them. And get this….this is not the only thing these spirits are capable of! They can do a lot of other things like destroying marriages, keeping you from having children even if your reproductive system in perfectly fine because of their jealously of your earthly husband or wife, etc.

Man…It’s pretty disturbing if you ask me.

[Q] So how do you know if you are under attack of this type of unclean spirit?

[A] Simple; Having sexual dreams of having sex with someone you know or don’t know. God doesn’t give you dreams like that! God is holy and pure. Dreams like that are not holy.

[Q] And how does these demons manifest themselves in your life?

[A] Simple again; By sexual sins: Lust, masturbation, fornication, sexual immortality of any kind.

From my own experience because this information opened my eyes to what I was going through a few months ago:

I was living in Mentor and I remember having a dream that I was having sex with Jeremy, but in this dream I really felt like we were having sex and I was moving with him as if I was actually making love. I woke up and my underwear had bodily fluids in it as if I had sex. I NEVER had a dream like that where I responded that way! I really felt like I had sex when I woke up. A woman’s body can’t respond like that unless there is some kind of stimulus. Now I know that I usually have nightmares when I sleep on my back. Everytime I wake up from a nightmare I’m on my back and guess how I was sleeping when I had this dream…on my back! So of coarse I wasn’t getting stimulation from the mattress if I was on my back!ÂÂ

The weirdest thing is Jeremy also claimed of having a dream like that when we lived in Mentor where he was having sex with me. And everything was similiar. He was responding to the demon with his body and woke up with body fluids feeling like he had sex.

After having a thorough deliverance I haven’t had a sexual dream since. You may not even have to go as far as responding to the demon with body movements and waking up like you had a “wet dream”. Dreams of having sex with anyone are not at all holy or good, but are evil and demonic. I read that a survey was taking at a church asking if anyone was suffering from sexual dreams and the results were shocking! 7-10 people both men and women were suffering from this problem!ÂÂ

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I didn’t know about these things because once your exposed to it the harder it will be for you. I feel like that man on the Matrix that wanted to go back.

Today is the day I decided to do my deliverance and of coarse Satan has done everything to interfere with it. First Elijah, next the maintenance is knocking at my door as soon as I start the praise and worship session of my deliverance breaking the Spirit and everything. Right now I’m pretty pissed with Satan. I don’t care how much he tries to interfere, I will still get my deliverance!

Later today I lightweight got in a argument with Jeremy because he decided to go to his Mom’s house again. Ii feel like that is so unfair. I was so pissed I took all his stuff and told him to take everything and leave because I feel like that’s unfair to me and Destin…especially.

I know I shouldn’t have started the argument, but I can’t keep hiding my feelings.

Then he kept asking me did I call his Mom’s house. I said no and he kept asking. Then he says his brother said I called even though I didn’t because I was on the internet all day after my deliverance and then I did my hair and started cooking dinner. His brother keeps trying to act like me and him has something going on. The other day when…Well every time I’ve called his brother asks me for my phone number saying he wants to be friends and he wants me to call him and not to tell Jeremy. I never gave him the phone number or called him to talk. I’ve only called probably 3 times to get in touch with Jeremy when it gets late like after 9pm to see where his is. I don’t want any more problems.

What’s wrong with his brother? Why does he want to keep stuff going?

Today Jeremy decides he wants to sleep at his Mom’s house instead of here with me and the kids. He chose sleeping on the couch or floor in his Mom’s 2 bedroom apartment with 4 other people than to sleep here with his child in a bed.

He claimed he has bad dreams here and he wants to see if he has bad dreams over there. That is such a dumb excuse. I really feel he is wrong, but if I say something then he’ll say I’m wrong for saying something about what he’s doing so I won’t say anything to him. I’ll just type how I feel here.

I wonder if I’m wrong in God’s eyes for feeling a bit upset about him abandoning us?

I hope not…

If I am wrong Lord I’m sorry, I just feel like that is unfair and neglectful to me and Destin.

At least I have this blog to write in because no matter how much I acted like the whole idea was okay I feel it was wrong. That’s why I’m glad I have this blog so I can express how I feel.