Today I went to the beach to clear my mind. It has been really stressful with everything that has been going on and I needed to just get away from everything. I didn’t have a very good night. I found myself once again crying myself to sleep because of all the stress and how much I miss my sons.

The beach was beautiful and peaceful and I felt much better when after spending time there. I took a lot of pictures of the ocean and collected some seashells to send to Elijah and Destin. *Sigh* Only 11 days left…

I just completed my new Florida layout today since I finally found the time to take some pictures of the ocean. It’s beautiful…almost better than this layout, but this will always be my favorite because my beautiful boys are featured on it. I will be launching the new layout either next week or the beginning of next month.

On to the next subject…

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Sorry for the private content, but I feel like I still have those unwanted readers who are probably still reading my blog to try to reek havoc into my life because they have no life.

Well, I’m tired now so I’m going to whine down and get some rest.

Yep, I went to see this movie this weekend and I’m glad I did. I learned a lot, was able to relate to a lot, and I was entertained a lot. LOL ^-^

Movie Grade: B+

Pros: This movie touched bases in a lot of different relationship problems from infidelity-abuse. It is very entertaining and mixed with plenty of humor and a heated scene full of drama that will have you begging for more.

One scene that made me teary eyed was when Jill Scott (Sheila) was expressing the pain she was feeling. I never heard someone be so expressive about their emotional pain like that and I could relate to the pain in so many ways.

Cons: I just think it ended too soon, like there was something missing. I also didn’t care for Janet’s character. She seemed so unreal. The only scene that made her human was when she finally confronted a mistake she made and broke down because of it. Other than that I hated the “fakeness” of her character completely.

Well that’s it for today. I’m tired of being upset about things that go wrong or don’t happen as they should. I know God will work it out. Why do I need to ask a certain someone for help when I can just ask God. The way I see it I don’t need that person…

I’m really bored today.

I went to an interview on Friday and I know I got the job. It pays $12.50 an hour and I don’t have daycare for my children. He told me to write him a business letter explaining what I think the position is about and what benefits I could bring to the company with my experience.

What he doesn’t know is that I am an excellent writer. I love writing and I can make the most boring subjects sound good with words. In high school I took creative writing for an elective. Back then I wanted to be a famous writer because I was always coming up with great stories and writing them.

I thought about what he wanted me to write and I decided to use a certain formula that I learned in my business writing class to put the letter together. I wrote it yesterday and changed it a couple of times until it was perfect…flows like water…I an excellent writer.

Well, I believe God will come through for me and make a way for my children to be placed in daycare so I can work. I just have to give it time. I really think this is the job he has set up for me.

Today sucked so bad…

I hate when I don’t accomplish anything.

I was on my way out the door to work and the lady from child support called me about a modification order. I had to call my job and tell them I was going to be late. I then got back on the phone with her and she told me she’d call me back in 10 minutes. After an hour I called her back with still nothing accomplished.

Thanks to her I missed work.

I hate the way today went.

So this post is mostly about economics and society…

I know that can cover a lot of areas, but I can only talk about what I am experiencing first hand. Maybe with this post someone will read it and understand what it’s like so we can all try to work towards a change.

In Ohio it was very easy to get a daycare voucher. All you needed to do was sign up, meet the requirements, and pay the co-pay depending on your income. With this kind of help you could easily go to work or school to better yourself, but here in Florida it’s a whole different story.

I thought with Ohio…having one of the top 5 poverty level cities which is where I am from Florida would be better, but no. I was wrong. The whole daycare assistance thing is separate from getting Medicaid and/or food stamps if you needed it. And currently there is a waiting list as of May from what I heard to get help because they claim they is no funding right now. How in the world are you suppose to work if you can’t pay for childcare?

I have 3 children and childcare would be $1500 a month!

Now if I was making $12/hour full time that’s $1920/month before taxes. I have rent ($595), utilities ($100-$150), gas ($100), food, etc. After paying the cost of daycare I would only have $420 left. That’s not even enough to cover the rent?!

People are always downing anyone who is on assistance, but look at the situation. It’s either don’t work so you can get cash assistance and stay home with your kids which is nothing or work and become homeless trying to pay for childcare and rent, etc.

It’s like you have no choice to get on welfare and after 4 years is over then you have nothing..unless you went to school and somehow got a great job paying $30 an hour.

So you see now that this is something I am about to go through you can now see first hand what it’s like. I do not want to get cash assistance. I want to work and then go to school to further my education even further than I already have as a Medical Assistant…which I did on Cleveland and found no job.

I do not want to live off of the government. I hate depending on anyone. I want to be able to care for myself and children without the help of no one, but it’s hard when jobs don’t pay much and the cost of food, living, childcare, etc. is so expensive.

Just wanted you to see how fucked up it is. I have a headache now.

To start off I woke up with an ant on my face…How many times do I have to spray this apartment? So I went to get some boric acid from Home Depot because the Bayer Pest Control Spray isn’t doing enough.

I got a job today and I start tomorrow. Whoooooo Hoooooo!!!!!!!!

The only thing is that it only pays $9.50 with bonuses if I met a certain quota and it’s part-time.

I also have an interview Friday with the employment guide which sounds so interesting. If I get the job that would be awesome because it sounded like there was a lot of things involved that wouldn’t keep me bored and it has to do with computers and the net. I know I would be good at it if given the opportunity. Marketing with a blog,upselling, etc.. Man do I love blogs…I wonder if I can design the blogs look.

That job is full-time and pays more. That job is one I actually remember applying for because it sounded so interesting and unique. I honestly didn’t expect to get a call back though.

If I get that job then that would be totally awesome…if I don’t I’m still thankful that I have something right now finally.

I also just had a phone interview with Macy’s too so I just have to see where God takes me…

It’s funny how when something good happens that’s when certain people start trippin’. I told Jeremy I got a job in a text message. Then later because I felt burnt out I sent him a text saying:

“2 many interviews. I’m burnout.”

He sends one back saying

“F u”.

Now what sense does that make?

Whenever good things come my way he’s an asshole trying to drain me of my positive energy with his negativity. Maybe I need to do what I’ve been trying to do for months, ditch the jerk for good.

I know you guys are tired of hearing me say I’m breaking up with him over and over again.

So like I said in an earlier post…I’m forced to seek government assistance until I can locate a job. I got a letter on Saturday asking for me to submit documents to them by 10/22 and to call today for a phone interview.

I called the number they gave and it was busy. I called 5 more times and it was busy. I called again and the phone rung and rung until the operator disconnected the call. I called probably 10 more times and I either received a busy signal, or your call did not go through message, or the phone rung and rung until the call was disconnected.

What kind of shit is that? Why tell me to call for a phone interview when no one is going to ever answer? So I got all the documents they asked for made copies and sent them to the address by certified mail. I’m also going to take a trip up there to prove that I did in fact call.

I also called an 800 number for help and when I finally got put through the operator said “We are experiencing very high call volume. Please try you call at a later time.” And then my call was disconnected.

It’s really starting to suck here. I hate having to go through this dumb shit!

I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of sleepless nights because I miss my kids to death! Last night was terrible. I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time, but I tossed and turned all night! I got up and kept doing a search on continental airlines for plane tickets to see the cost.

In total to go to Ohio and come back with my boys is $611.60.

Man that is a lot especially for someone with no job. I was trying to put off buying the tickets until I got a job because I wanted to know what my schedule was going to be like before leaving so I can work my flight into my job schedule and not miss work, but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to work out at all. I wanted to make sure I had a job secured before getting them, but it’s killing me to be away from them.

If I wait too long the tickets will be $500 each making me pay a whooping $2000 to go to Ohio and come back with my boys!

I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest. I can’t sleep and I barely have an appetite because I miss them so much. I’m losing my mind.

After tossing and turning and getting up all night I finally went ahead a bought the plane tickets going on faith alone that I will have a job in the next two weeks somewhere. I couldn’t take it anymore. That only leaves me with about $1100 to live off of and pay the rent for November until I gain employment somewhere. I hope someone hires me soon and everything works out with putting the boys in daycare.

After I bought the plane ticket I prayed for God to put it on someone’s heart to hire me with a decent job that’s going to fit with my schedule. I then read the Bible until I was too tired to hold my eyes open anymore.

Being away from kids and trying to locate employment is like slow torture.

I know that I’m still going to have trouble sleeping because I still miss them.

Well…I didn’t get the job. They had the nerve to send me a dumb email:

Dear Samara,

We enjoyed meeting you and learning more about your background and
experience.

Although we were impressed with your qualifications, we have identified
other candidates who better meet our requirements for this position.
We will keep you in mind for o ther positions and your resume will be
maintained in our database for at least six months.

We appreciate your interest in UnitedHealth Group and wish you
continued success in your career.

UnitedHealth Group Recruitment Services

How nice is that?! I did all that for nothing. I could’ve went to the law clerk interview and had better luck. I wasted two days of my time just to get a rejection letter.

They’re impressed with my qualifications, but decided not to hire me? Whatever.
I met an older guy around 40 years old out here and he said that a lot of these so-called employers look at your qualifications and then the color of your skin.

So I guess he was saying that if I was “white” I would’ve got hired. I’m not racist at all, but that really sucks ass.

Honestly when I went to this place to apply called Apex pest control I felt like I was the odd ball and for some strange reason I knew even though the woman said she was going to call me the following day for an interview that she wasn’t. I felt like me being black was going to keep me from being hired. I never felt that way before, but something about it made those thoughts pop up in my head. Of course I never received the call for the so-called interview.

I applied at another place 2 days later and I felt the same way there…It’s like a vibe you get from certain people that their not looking at your qualifications, but your skin color. I got the famous “We’ll call you.” From him and in my mind I was saying “I know you won’t.”

Why should my skin color matter? I’m a human being capable of doing work, just like anyone else.

I can be organized and prepared with a powerful cover letter, excellent resume, questions with superior interviewing technique, but because I’m black it doesn’t matter. They see my resume and want to speak with me with their obvious assumption, but as soon as I walk through the door for the interview all that just suddenly doesn’t matter.

Maybe I need to find some black owned businesses to apply. I didn’t know race was going to be an issue.

Man…I saw all the jobs here in Florida and felt like this was the place to be, but I never knew the job I wanted so bad was color coded. Now I’m feeling desperate and will accept anything that pays the rent.

I’m starting to feel weary with this whole experience. People always pointing the finger at black females for getting on welfare. And here I am a black woman with 3 children trying to start a career putting all my blood, sweat and tears into it and I can’t even get a simple receptionist job.

Why do I always end up with the dead end jobs that just pays the rent? Will I ever get paid for what I’m worth? Does getting an education really matter anymore?

I’m starting to develop a total hatred for my car.

Today I got in my car to visit the mall and the damn thing didn’t even start up. Turns out the battery was dead so I had to pay $50 for a new battery and $80 for some high priced mechanic to put it in my car! That’s another $130 on that damn car!

How many fucking times do I have to fix that car?!

I can’t wait until I get a job so I can get a new car. I can’t keep fixing that damn car over and over again.