I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my current status and what I do desire and I’ve realized that my current state is not what I want. I don’t want to be living with my Mom and Dad with no job, no transportation, no privacy, and no respect. In my love life I don’t want someone that I can’t see or talk to everday, that has too many barriers, and is moving out the state. I don’t even want to live in Ohio for the rest of my life! So I ask myself, why am I receiving everything I don’t want? What do I want?

I want to have a house, a nice car, and live in a warmer climate. I want a great, fun jcareer that pays me well. I want to own my own business and be successful in that department. I want to be happily married with a man that fills all the qualities of my ideal mate and my ideal relationship. I want my kids to have everything that they need and want and I want to be able to provide these things to them.

I think it’s time for me to start being selfish about what I accept into my life because right now if you were to ask me if I was happy with my situation currently, the answer would be a solid “NO!”. Starting today I have to start cutting people off and letting things ago. It’s about time Samara starts getting what she wants and not what she doesn’t want.

I really can’t wait until I move out. My Dad is such an asshole and he shows favortism for Jean’neene like it’s nobody’s buisiness. Tell me why her 24 year-old boyfriend whom got her pregnant can come over and sit and eat and watch TV, but my boyfriend isn’t even allowed the yard?

Yesterday we threw a party for my Mom where I footed the grocery bill and My boyfriend brought Jea’neene’s boyfriend over. Why can he come in and eat MY food, but my boyfriend can’t?

Me and my baby had to stay outside for the rest of the night just to spend time with each other. Now is that unfair or what? Even my big brother agrees. My boyfriend has a daughter so it’s like my Dad holds that against him. I have 3 son’s so why is that an issue? I’d rather have someone with children because then than can understand what it’s like to have one as to having a person whom has no clue or patience.

Then Jea’neene ended up taking her boyfriend home and my Dad acts like that’s my fault because he was waiting on my boyfriend to take him home. That has nothing to do with me for one and of her wasn’t such a complete asshole we would’ve been in the house and knew when he was ready to leave. Also my sister runs her mouth so much about shit she doesn’t know about that it makes the situation worse when all she does is go and have sex with her boyfriend. Atleast me and my baby can hang out and not have to have sex! We actually have a relationship. They’re just sex partners and now that she is pregnant I guess she got what she want because she hasn’t been over there fucking him ever since she found out, but I’m the one being treated like the step-child!

I can not wait until I move out again.

Elijah had his game this morning and he played in most of the game. I’m really proud of him and for doing such a good job I took him to IHOP for breakfast. He scarved down the food like it was nothing, but I guess that’s what I should expect out of a boy/football player huh?

I couldn’t even eat all my food. I’m trying to put my weight back on because currently I weigh 129.6lbs and I used to weigh 135lbs. I think I lost weight due to stress and not eating right. I’ve since started to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and I try to eat a slice of whole wheat bread with all my meals. I’ve been walking and working out lightly so that weight will become muscle not fat. Speaking of working out my thighs are killing me from when I worked out 2 days ago. I’m about to go take a warm shower to soothe them.

Anyways today will probably be pretty darn boring. Maybe I’ll get to see my baby today. I don’t know because he’s always busy. Well I’m off to check my Google Adsense balance…

I am so glad it’s Friday. I’m exhausted! I’m about to go home and take a nap for about an hour because I have to take Elijah to football practice tomorrow and he has a game tomorrow morning. I didn’t get too much sleep last night because my Mom waited until 11pm to start cooking beef stew!

I have to sleep downstairs on the floor on a blow-up mattress and it’s really hard to fall asleep if the lights are on in the next room, dishes are clacking, and the TV is going. I had to struggle to stay awake in school and we had an exam today on ServSafe Alcohol to get certified. I think I did well on the test, but I really don’t like taking exams when I’m tired like that. I really need my own place.

My sister is so aggravating too! She has this complex where every guy she gets with she always thinks she’s pregnant. Well this time around she is preggo. Now she thinks she’s “Miss All That” and she doesn’t have to do anything around the house. I buy her stuff all the time so when I asked her if she could bring me my ice cream because she went in the kitchen and got hers (which I bought) and her response was “No.” I reminded her that I did infact pay for the ice cream she was about to eat and her again snobbish reply was “So what. I’m the only thing that’s important.” If she wasn’t my sister I’d refer to her as a bitch because that actually how she was acting.

While she thinks she’s all that she looks like a complete idiot to me because she’s only known this guy for 2 1/2 months and now she’s pregnant by him. How stupid and foolish of her! Man At least I was living with my baby father whom I dated for 2 years before I had a child with him! I have to get out of that house ASAP because my sister has already begun to push the right buttons for me to end up going off on her. When you do as much as I do for her you are supposed to be treated with love and respect.

Today I received my very first Google Adsense check in my bank account! It was $102.94! I can’t wait until I start receiving checks that are over $1000. I’ve already had over 1000 unique visitors this month so I know I’m not far from my goal. I just have to keep adding new content to my site every week or every other week and keep my site up and I will be making a second income online!

I have some really big plans for next month too! I plan on moving out as soon as I get a job as a bartender. I’m going to save all the money I make the first week of bartending for my security deposit and first month rent while I look for an apartment to move into. I’m going to just get a 2 bedroom apartment and let the boys have the master bedroom until I decide to purchase my own home. The following week I plan on furnishing my apartment, but the two main things I’m going to get first are a bed for me and bunk beds for the boys. Then all the other items will come. It may take a month to completely furnish my apartment the way I want to, but I believe I will have just about everything I need by the end of November. I want an apartment where the heat is included with the rent because I don’t want to be stuck paying no gas bill, especially in Ohio.

In my love life I really like my boyfriend. I was a bit confused on what we were to each other until I asked him the other night and he said I was his girlfriend. I guess I just needed to hear that for reassurance because he is so different from other guys and there has been times when I have talked to someone, but neither one of us knew when we were official because no one said it verbally. He kept saying that I was acting confused like I was unsure of how he felt about me. I have to admit sometimes we can read people wrong and as a woman sometimes you just need to hear someone actually say it to reassure you of how they feel. I mean I may think you feel one way about me, but you may not feel that way because it’s only my asumption.

I really really like him and it may blossom into love soon. He’s very sweet, we have SO MUCH in common, he’s smart, and he can hold such a good conversation. He’s not an idiot like most of the jerks I’ve dated.

BARTENDING SCHOOL

Today we learned how to make “highballs” which are drinks like “Rum & Coke”, or “Vodka & Orange Juice”. We actually learned how to make 27 different highballs in total. Yesterday we learned how to make shooters (party drinks), but I don’t remember how many we made yeasterday. I was so out of it so I studied the recipes all night and while I was at Elijah’s football practice.

This week is going by so fast and I’ll be a senior on Monday. Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to be able to remember all these drinks and master them in 14 days. I also still have to figure out the money issue. I applied for cash assistance so I can pay for school since I’m not working and I’m still waiting so I’m going to call my caseworker tomorrow and see what’s taking so long. I really need that money by the second of October so I can pay for my classes or I’ll have to extend my payments which will cause me to have to pay more money. I still owe them $355. It should come next week…

I guess.

Today was my first day of Bartending school and it was actually fun. The beginning was a bit boring when we were learning the difference between liquers and liqueurs if thats how you spell it, plus I was pretty tired being up that early because I used to getting up at 7:30 or 8am taking Elijah to school and taking an hour nap until around 11am. Now I have to be up all day so I might sneak in a nap when I get home from the library before I have to take Elijah to football practice.

I learned seven new drinks today! We learned cream drinks so I learned how to make an Alexander, Brandy Alexander, Grasshopper, White Monkey, Pink Squirrel, Mudslide, and a Creamsicle. We had to make all seven drinks twice and the second time around I did so much better. I was wondering how I was going to memerize over 100 drinks in 2 weeks, but as soon as you start doing it yourself it becomes so easy!!

Well I’m off to check my Google Adsense balance. I’ve made over $25 this month so far. Last month I made $17. I guess as soon as my sight starts getting 2000 visitors I will start making a decent amount of money. Last month I think I was close to 800 visitors so I’m getting there. I would really like to have 10,000 visitors a month at least and I know with time that will happen.

Honestly I have no idea what I want to write about today…

I haven’t done anything special other than sign up for a two week program for professional bartending and I have no idea how I’m going to get the remaining $650 in 10-30 days. With the economy being in such a bad state I believe that bartending is the way to go for now. There isn’t any decent jobs anywhere. I can’t keep waiting around hoping to get a phone call from a good job. I need a car and my own place! The only phone calls I’ve gotten were bullshit jobs like Amy Joy Donuts and Fitworks. The type of job with lots of hours and paying minimum wage. For instance the guy from Amy Joys was asking all sorts of illegal questions like “Do you have kids?“, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, “Are you getting married anytime soon?“, “Is your mom going to kick you out once you start working?“, etc. I was so irritated I was like “What does me having a boyfriend have to do with working here?” If it’s like that then I don’t want the sorry ass job anyway and I’m not going to keep hassling him for the job either. Either you want me as an employee or you don’t. It’s no big deal to me either way it goes.

Well enough of my ranting for today. I’m going to take it easy and make the best of today. Elijah doesn’t have to go to football practice so I have the day to relax and probably read a book or something. My Google ads have been doing better and better each month, but I think I need to add some more ads to my site so I can increase my income. I make money every day, but I will like to make more than the average $1 a day I’ve been getting.

She was a beautiful woman in her early twenties and over the last 6 years her relationships were nothing more than heart ache, drama, and pain. Out of the relationships she bore 3 beautiful children. One from one man and the other two by another man. Both men ended up being nothing more than the same ole’ dead beat. The second of the two brought enough drama in her life for several life times and now she only wanted nothing more than to have peace for the rest of her days, but even when she decided to venture out and try another relationship she found herself caught up in an abusive relationship that she had to fight her way out of. After 4 incidences she was finally able to break free from her bondage of the abusive cold-hearted man whom did nothing, but use and abuse her.

Could she find peace with another man or would she have to be alone for the rest of her life to have a life of peace and happiness? One would think this woman would no longer be able to love another after so much pain and misery, but even after all that she had been through her heart remained warm, large, and loving; waiting for the right man to come into her life and make up for all the wrong men had done to her by treating her like the queen she was born as.

Her name is Eden for she is as rare as the garden itself and as beautiful as a bright summer day. Her smile still shined even after a storm like the sun. Eden had beautiful long ebony hair, dark eyes and golden bronze skin. She was about 5’8 with an athletic build.

She spent the last 9 months in Florida and learned a lot of lessons while she lived there, but after a failed attempt of finding employment shortly after her abusive relationship she sold all her things including her car and moved back to Ohio to be reunited with her family once again.

Today has been another yet uneventful day. I have an interview for a third shift nine hour position at Amy Joy Donuts tomorrow. It’s not quite the job I have in mind, but I need some lind of income until I can get something better. I plan to move out of my Mom’s house in October. My parents keep my kitten Sapphire on the back porch and even though it’s enclosed it’s cold out there!

I have to get my own place before it really starts getting cold because I don’t want Sapphire to be sleeping on the back porch in the freezing cold. I have about $650 left over so I’m going to save that back and if I get the job at Amy Joy Donuts then I’ll just save a portion of all my checks until I have enough to put a down payment on an apartment. The apartment I want is $545 a month so my monthly income has to be 3 times that amount($1635) to get approved.

Wish me luck!

Lifes been quite uneventful(drama free) and I plan to keep it that way. I really enjoy life when I don’t have any drama. When I think about my life my happiest moments were when my life was without drama and most of the time when I did have drama it was because I was involved with someone whom brought that into my life. So that is something I’m trying to avoid for the rest of my days…drama.

I had a wonderful time during my birthday week. I went to my brothers football game and went shopping on my birthday which was on Saturday and then I went to Cedar Point on Sunday with my sister, her boyfriend, and a guy I’m interested in. I really like him alot because he has a lot of things in common with me. Everytime I talk to him I learn something new about him that we both have in common. I never thought I’d find someone with those type of qualities like me. I always thought that those things were something I would have to introduce to a guy I’m really into, but this particular person is well aware of the particular knowledge and practices some of the things I practice like not celebrating holidays because there pagan holidays, not eating certain foods, and healthy living and eating. He even likes nature just as much as I do.

He was a perfect gentlemen at the park and I had a lot of fun. I got on every ride there because Cedar Point wasn’t as crowded as it usually is. We then spent a lot of time together after we left and I didn’t get in the house until 4am. He’s a really sweet guy and I can only say positive things about him.

I really like this person and I will like us to have a wonderful lasting relationship. — My Desire Statement