Today Jeremy wants to take the boys to Chuckie Cheese. I really don’t care for that place because I can’t eat dairy products and neither can Destin so I might play a few games to earn the boys some tickets since I’m quite good at Skee Ball and buy a soda and some cotton candy.

Tomorrow I’m going to take the kid’s to a carnival a nearby church is having for something to do. We can snack on cotton candy, hot dogs, lemonade, funnel cakes, elephant ears, etc. The boys can ride the little kiddie rides together while I take plenty of pictures. Then later I will be going to a party my friend from work Christine is throwing. I’m taking my little sister to the party so tomorrow will be a pretty fun and busy day for me. I still have to figure out what I’m going to bring to the party as a dish to be served.

As far as work goes I feel like I’m being taking advantage of by the receptionist because she just keeps taking off. She took off a week before and then on Tuesday this week she decided to take the rest of the week off. She is really getting on my nerves. She is always messing up my attendance when I have a doctor appointment, but she tells everyone “Oh, Samara will cover for me.” She didn’t even ask me if I wanted to do her boring crappy job. she just volunteered me.

I never worked at a place where the employee could just call off for weeks whenever they want with out putting in a request or anything. If I did what she is doing in my past jobs I would have been fired. Jeremy takes off one day and that crappy place trips and calls him all day when they won’t even let him take a vacation which he has earned since he’s been there for 2 years. Everyone else goes on vacation and the receptionist is always calling off.

What are they going to do when I go into labor? Act like they are more important? And if he allows that then he is just as stupid because no job will ever come before my kids. I had a job like that and they expected me to put the MRDD kids before my own whom had to be picked up from daycare when my shift was over if employees for 2nd shift called off or didn’t come in. I told the supervisor you can kiss my ass because when that day comes I will be leaving to get my child from daycare. You will have to figure it out!

Well I think I found out where the flies were coming from because yesterday after I came home from church and taking my boys out to dinner I discovered probably 30+ flies in my home and all the windows were shut. I didn’t have any flies in my home before maintenance installed the refrigerator and there isn’t any open food in my home or garbage for that matter. I honestly believe the flies came from the refrigerator they installed because it isn’t new, it’s used and it sounds downright gross, but I really think there were maggots somewhere in the fridge.

I was red with rage last night and I would snap on anyone that said anything to me that could slightly annoy me. I wrote building management yet again another complaint letter trying not to curse in my total rage. I was up all night spraying the flies with bug spray and beating them with a broom. No telling how many more flies may be in my home when I go back home today.

I wrote a review for this apartment on apartmentratings.com because no one should have to complain this much and no one should have to live like this. I have until September 30th to live here and even that is way too long to continue to put up with all these problems!

Other than these awful problems I started to think more deeper into some other areas of my life to try to get a better understanding, but I will write all this in a separate post to shorten this one.

Today I finally got another refrigerator, but that doesn’t fix the fact that I have to still buy groceries to replace the ones that spoiled. I should be compensated for the groceries that spoiled due to their defective fridge.

I also went to a hearing today regarding the whole insurance thing with Job and Family Services and my legal aid attorney didn’t even show up.

Tomorrow I’m going to call and get a new attorney because I told that woman several times about my hearing and she never called me back. I don’t have time for people not doing their job. That was clearly unprofessional and it looked really bad on her part. I ended up having to reschedule the hearing. Hopefully the next hearing date will be on a date when I am still here in this state so this can be taking care off. That really pisses me off. I can’t wait to get the hell out of this damn state!

I wasted my time leaving work early just to be stood up by my own attorney. If I was paying that stupid lady she would’ve showed up.

I had a really fucked up day today.

It’s been fucked up from the beginning and I feel so stupid and used.

Fuck.

I can’t even cry I’m just so disappointed in myself because I know I’m smarter than that and I already knew the deal.

Honestly, I’m more angry than hurt because I’m so sick of the fucking lies. I can’t hurt anymore, but I can get fed up and tired and that’s the point I’ve reached…

I’m fuckin fed up! I had it! No more!

Today was fucked up.

Maybe tomorrow it’ll be better cause today sucked.

Well it’s only one day left till I go on that plane ride that I am so fearful about to Florida…

[sigh]

I really hoped I could enjoy this weekend before leaving, but every single weekend Jeremy has managed to destroy it and cause me to be miserable. Next weekend I will spending it alone or with someone worthwhile so I can go back to work in a better mood.

Speaking of work, BWC is not even going to pay me while I’m gone. So I’ll be getting a measly $365 check if that for next week. I was going to go in tomorrow, but what for? They won’t be paying me for it. Instead I can use tomorrow for packing, getting last minute items, spending it with my boys, looking at some more apartments, and making up for this miserable weekend before I leave.

I’m going to have my sister drop me off at the airport…

Reminder: Call continental to get preferred seating.

I’ll remember to take lots of pictures of the airport, my airplane, and Florida. I might stop by the beach while I’m there since I’ve never been on a real beach before. I hope everything goes well and I get approved for an apartment. If I can get approved then all I’ll have to worry about is getting a job and the extra $2000 I need to move. I don’t think the job situation will be a problem, it’s the apartment approval and extra 2 grand that I’m worried about.

I just hope for once life will give me a break and God will bless me in this area.

So much stuff has happened since yesterday and none of it is good. Jeremy calls and asks me to get dressed up so he can take me out and pick a place to go to. He also asked for Destin. I guess forget about Elijah huh? Then he comes to get Destin to take him to get pictures. So I went to the mall and bought a nice dress with some accessories to go with it. Matching earrings, necklaces etc. I made a reservation at a upscale restuarant Downtown and got my hair done. He comes to get Destin and I was of coarse still upset about him abandoning me and the kids the other night again for the 4th time. I didn’t say much to him, but he could tell I was upset.

So around 7:30pm my sister calls me to say that he wants me to reschedule the reservation to a later time. I was fine with that, but I was still upset about him abandoning us. Taking me out is not going to fix it. So when I spoke to him on the phone about what he did and how unfair it is to me and the kids he acts like I am wrong for feeling the way I do and says he’s going to keep Destin for the weekend since I have an attitude and forget about going out. If I have to ignore my feelings to go out with him then I will never go out with him.

What am I suppose to do? Keep my feelings bottled up and not say anything to him at all about how him going MIA makes me feel? I got dressed up and spent all this money on these clothes, got my hair done just for him to dog me for being upset. It’s so unfair. Then he leaves me voicemails stating he is wrong but then he’d start justifying his reasons and bringing up Elijah’s Dad, Brian and Anthony.

Wait a minute…what does Chris have to do with him disappearing? The last time I checked I was with Jeremy not Chris. And bringing up Anthony who can careless about our problems or even Brian whom lives in L.A . is really stupid. What about when he was talking to some brad on the phone that his Mom’s friend wanted him to talk to because we were having relationship problems? I never talked to Brian to start a new relationship, but a friendship if any.

He calls me again and I asked him to bring Destin back home close to tears. I’m so tired of the stress and being treated like shit and he has to nerve to tell me no. I can’t believe he thought he had the right! He hasn’t been here listening to Destin screaming and crying, feeding him, bathing him, changing him and playing with him. I have not him! So I called the police and told them the situation. He ended up bringing back Destin and getting the rest of his mess out my apartment. Good riddens! While I was waiting for him to bring Destin back he sends me text messages like it’s funny to him. He doesn’t care how I feel or how the things he does affects me or the baby I’m carrying. It’s all fun and games to him, but he doesn’t realize he’s the big joke.

So I called my friends and vented to them trying to get some kind of comfort and Tenisha and I went to Bahama Breeze to eat because again I was really depressed and stressed out. I wish I wasn’t pregnant so I could’ve gotten a drink. I could really use one.

I couldn’t really settle done last night at all either because my mind was racing with all the lies he’s told on me and the horrible things he’s put me through. I just laid there tossing and turning. I probably got an hour of sleep and I haven’t been eating well at all because of the stress. Yesterday I’m shocked I actually ate three meals! The day before all I had was pretzel sticks and a bowl of rice for dinner. I know this isn’t healthy for me or my baby so I prayed for God to deliver me from the emotional bondage of Jeremy. I need to be free of him so I can focus on my kids, myself, God and my future.

Then he text messages me later this morning with some more bullshit text’s. Why even bother…he claimed we weren’t together on the voicemails yesterday and how he was going to go back to being like he was when he lived down south and all this mess. I honestly don’t care anymore. He only wants to be with me when it’s convenient for him. I didn’t respond to any of the texts. It’s not worth it…what’s the point when he can’t respect my feelings? It’s useless so I’ll just delete them and ignore him. There’s no point in talking to someone whom stresses me out this much.

Tonight My friend Kim is setting me up with someone so I’m going to enjoy this mystery guy for the night and not think about Jeremy.

Today has been quite a day…

I went to the mall and bought me a ponytail and an Icee. I saw my sister at the mall and talked to her for a while and then I talked to my Mom at JCPenny’s and helped her pick out some shoes. While I was helping her a guy that worked in the shoe department kept talking to me, and kept coming back and talking more. After helping my mom I went home and Jeremy still hadn’t showed up or called. I tried calling him, but the phone continued to go to the voicemail. When I got in the house I typed up an eviction notice to give to him. Then Brian called my cell phone because I gave him my number and asked me was I ok because he read my blog. I told him no and then he told me he’ll call me later when he got a better phone.

When he did call me back I talked to him for hours and he asked me to tell him everything so I did. He was very upset when he found out I almost died because of Jeremy’s foolishness. He said I need to stop putting my life in danger for Jeremy and told me about a friend he knew 2 years ago who died from an eptopic pregnancy because the doctors didn’t catch it in time and she bled to death. I felt terrible because that could have been me. That’s why I can’t forgive Jeremy for cheating on me after he put me through that.

Later I went to James’ house and picked him so we can see if we could find Jeremy to give him the eviction notice and he was nowhere to be found. I won’t look for him anymore because he’s not worth the time or trouble. I tried calling him again and this time the phone actually rang and he refused to answer the phone I called him three more times and he did not answer so…I sent him a text message asking him to come get his things. During this whole incident James and I were almost killed. If it wasn’t for Jeremy our lives would have never been at stake because we would’ve never been out looking for him if he was treating me and the kids right.

James and I were driving down Loganberry and an SUV drove up behind us with bright lights on and tail ended us. I could not see at all because the lights blinded me so I started driving really slow. When we reached the corner I stopped and got out the car and asked the driver would he turn his lights down because I could not see. I proceeded back to the car and the driver said “What you mad?” and jumped out the car when he realized I was a girl and tried to intimidate me. I thought it was so funny because when he thought I was a guy he didn’t say anything. I asked him again to turn the lights down. He then threatened to beat me up and refused to turn the lights down, so I asked him to drive around me so I could see and he continued to threaten me. I then told him there was another person in the car so he would know I was not alone. When I said that he claimed he had a gun, and went into the car to get something. He then began to taunt me as if he had the gun in his pants and threatened to shoot both me and James. I continued to stand my ground because I fear NO ONE BUT GOD. I asked him to go around again and he threatened me again and I said I was calling the police. When I said that he ran to his car and almost hit me trying to leave. Instead of hitting me he hit my car door and was stuck by my door. So I said let me get his license plate and he yelled “Get the fucking plates I don’t care!” I walked behind my car while he was stuck and memorized the plates screaming to James to get a pen while constantly repeating the plates. The man backed up off my car door and drove off in a panic. BUT…I got the plates…and called the police. The police came and I made a police report and we gave them the license plates…which of course were the right license plates to the black Land Rover he was driving. (HA!) James and I told the Police everything and that we feared for our lives and he almost hit me. I also told them I was four months pregnant and wrote everything in the report including a description of him. They asked me if I wanted to press charges for Aggervated Menancing and I said “YES”. I hope that bitch goes to jail.

That’s how my day went stressful and full of drama. Now me and James are here at my house hanging out at 4am in the morning.

By the way James wrote this post today while I narrated it…I just edited it a bit.

I know the title is not christ-like and is quit a bit extreme…

But…

I just found out that Anthony or Tiffany is still accessing my site using another computer and that is just so darn irritating. Stuff like that just makes me speak in the flesh.

Why are you so desperate to read about my life???

Fuck OFF!

Leave me alone!!

Your email “calledministries@aol.com” has been blocked, but I dare you to email me from that computer using another email address because when you do that computer will be blocked also!!

So keep coming to my site…be my guest and email me so I can have the luxury to block you.

I’m pretty sure you’ll try because you’re so arrogant, stupid and hate rejection.

Again…

get the Fuck OFF!

Jeremy told me that Anthony from Called 2 Conquer keeps calling him and asking to speak with him and me.

Why?

He lied about everything and said I was a liar. Why do you want to talk? There’s nothing to talk about unless you’re going to redeem yourself and tell the truth, but of coarse that’s not going to happen. He’s going to continue to stick to his lies and never tell the truth, but you know what?

If God’s word is true and I believe that it is, then what is done in the dark will always come to the light. So he can lie, lie and keep lying, but no matter how much he lies the truth will still come to the light. Always has and always will. It may be this year or the next or the next, but the truth will be revealed no matter how much you try to hide from it.

If you are reading this Anthony or Tiffany (and I know you are because you have no life) do me a favor…

Don’t pray for me.

I don’t need no lying ass people praying for me. That’s a mockery to my spirit and I don’t take to kindly to that. Your so-called prayers are curses. I have enough problems…I don’t need anymore.ÂÂ

Another thing…

Stop calling Jeremy and asking to speak with me. I have nothing to say to you. You are a liar and we will never be cool so forget it. Good luck with your life and try getting a life! You got what you wanted and lied about it like I’m crazy or something. Like I imagined everything. You’ve done enough…what more do you want? All I wanted was for you to tell the truth, but you refused so I don’t care anymore and why should I?

Better yet…lose Jeremy’s email and cell phone number and leave my family the hell alone!

I told the truth like God told me to and I have been forgiven, but have you been forgiven?

At least I know where I will be going when I die.

Today I started on my new site for Gods Vision Online. Actually I started on the layout yesterday and I was disappionted in the way it was looking. I just didn’t like the way it was turning out. I tried 3 different backgrounds…no make that 4. The fourth one I ended up keeping even though I still don’t get how I got the background to fade like that?

It’s beyond me. I only used a solid color and a grid, but the background fades like I used a gradient.

Hmmm…

Oh well.

I’m still hurt about the whole Johnathan thing. I thought he really wanted to be my friend when all he wanted was to have sex with me. That really makes me feel used. Any other time I wouldn’t care about him and wouldn’t give him another thought! I know when it came to ending the friendship with Anthony after being used I was angry, but I didn’t care about him, quickly got over it and never gave him another thought. Life goes on right? What’s wrong with me now? Why am I so touchy, feely, sensitive?

I actually feel sorry for him. He has so many demons on him and no one to help him. I can’t help him anymore. I don’t believe he want’s help though. All you can do is pray for people like that. Just like I need to pray for my Dad.

I hope Jeremy doesn’t read my blog and get mad at me about feeling the way I do. I would apologize for how I feel, but I won’t because that’s how I feel. I don’t love Johnathan…I’ve just had my feelings hurt..that’s all. I really wish he’d stop saying we deserve each other. I don’t want him. I really want Jeremy and I do love him, but I’ll never say it.

Not until I know that the love I feel is really love. Not some strong, emotionally confused feeling that people call love and then go cheat and mistreat whom they claim they love. That’s not love. God is love and God is not confused, he doesn’t mistreat us and he love’s us unconditionally. Satan is the author of confusion and if you are confused when it comes to love then…

my friend…you are not really in love.

Johnny claimed he was in love with me…HA HA! I knew that was garbage! I told him he doesn’t. I wish people would stop using that word so freely. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. That’s why these poor souls (teenage girls) get hurt because they believe some guy loves them when he says it when he only wants S-E-X.

That’s what the world revolves around S-E-X and M-O-N-E-Y. The worlds greatest sins: Sexual immortality and Idoltry.

*Sigh*

Well, enough with the spiritual stuff. Besides the above my day was okay. I pretty much worked on my new site all day. I’ll be adding a link to it when it is about 70% done. We ate spaghetti and meatballs w/garlic toast for dinner and that’s it. I’m going to go to bed now though because Jeremy acts like he can’t sleep unless I’m in the bed with him.

Hmmm…

I wonder how he was able to sleep when he wasn’t here?

That’s something to think about….Naahhh!

Goodnight.