Eternally-me.com is finally back online. I had to take my site down for a few months so I can focus on planning and preparing for my wedding which was a total dream come true! Everything was beautiful and so was our fabulous honeymoon in the Bahamas! Our wedding day went by so fast for something that took so long to prepare and plan for, but it isn’t about the wedding, but the lifetime commitment we made each other on that day that really matters. I still remember our wedding night, I was so exhausted, but I was so happy I couldn’t calm down and fall asleep. I’ve never been that happy in my life! The feeling is beyond explanation. If you want to see pictures of our beautiful wedding and honeymoon please visit our wedding site at SweetVanillaSugar.COM.

The next step is the adoption of the boys. Brian plans on adopting them as his own sons which I believe is the best choice for the boys. Their father’s aren’t doing anything for them what so ever, let alone trying to see them so I believe this is best. Our boys need a stable male figure in their life and they are blessed to have someone here that will actually be honored to take the job as “Daddy”.

In other news, Brian and I just took my Mom to Otani for dinner to thank her for all her support during the planning of our wedding. We both really love her and appreciate her and everything that she does. She really enjoyed it and we felt so good by returning the favor and showing her how grateful we are for all her help.

Well, it’s great to be back and non-stressed and rejuvenated. I can now focus on my new husband, my boys, my site GrowBlackHair.NET, furnishing our new home, and getting things prepared for the adoption of the boys!

I can not stand people whom love drama and thrive off of it’s existence. I for one am a person whom favors peace, balance, and tranquility in my life. I may not get it all the time, but when I do, I never take it for granted. I found that in my inner realm, my new home that is, this is my place of peace and harmony outside the world.

I do not like waking up to drama, when I say this I mean drama being the first thing that decides to acknowledge my presence when I enter the outer realms (outside my home). This morning I woke up at 7:15am. I asked Brian what time he had to go to work and he told me 3pm. So I decided not to take Jeremiah to childcare because I got off at 2:30pm. I then went back to sleep for about 45 minutes. I really didn’t want to go to work today. I didn’t want to go yesterday either. I was even tempted to call off, but as a responsible mother and woman I went to work anyway.

As I approached the yard of the house I work at I noticed Diane (the mother of the 2 special needs young adults I care for) standing outside talking to the roofers that were working on her house. She looked evil as usual and as I approached her she told me that it was going to be some “shit” today. I asked her why and she told me about her crack addicted, cheating husband claiming he came home when he didn’t because I was there and I can bare witness to his absence. He claimed I was in the bathroom and didn’t see him. Of course this is bullshit because he doesn’t have keys to the house and I always keep the doors locked when I’m working in her home. This wasn’t the end of the lies, later during my shift she then proceeded to tell me how he said I stole $1000 that he claimed he left her from under her mattress. What a fuckin’ cock sucking liar!

#1 If I did steal that money why the fuck would I come to work the following day? They wouldn’t see me anymore if that was the case.

#2 Why would I risk my lousy job, and my own well-being over $1000. I am a mother of 3 children and I’m about to get married. I have too much going for myself to do something that stupid!

That was the last fucking straw… Job lined up or not I’m quitting!

Diane also told me not to answer the phone if he call and to call her if he came there and tried to pop fly with me. I can’t believe he’d actually jump at me over something he knows I didn’t do! If he does decide to act a fool I will not stand for it and all the professionalism will go right out the window. I will become the nastiest bitch alive. I’m not about to deal with their drama. I have enough stress as it is and I’m not about to work under those conditions. Diane is already hard to work for as it is because she is such a fuckin’ knit picker, and then it’s her sneaky, perverted, hard-headed Autistic son and her spoiled Autistic/Down Syndrome daughter whom has digestive problems causing her to shit and vomit every where. I don’t get paid enough as it is to deal with just that, and now this?! I can’t stay there anymore.

I told my supervisor whom tried to talk me into staying, but I can’t. I am so unhappy with that job right now and the added drama is making it even harder to deal with.

I don’t even know what to write about today. My back is aching so much right now. This pain just came over me all of a sudden and it feels like someone just took something and bashed me in the back. The pain intensifies when I bend and stretch. Just the slightest turn of my torso makes it hurt even more. As soon as I finish cooking dinner and bathing the boys I’m going to put the boys to bed and take a hydrocodene and take my ass to bed too.

Today was same ole, same ole, except the fact that I was able to borrow my sisters car while I was at work and went to sign up for the Civil Service Exam for a Cleveland Police Officer. This will be the second time I will be taking an exam this year. Hopefully this time around it will be worth my time because despite my efforts and high score on the last exam, no one ever called me for a job. Honestly I’m not even putting all my faith into it this go around. I’m at the point where I just don’t really give a fuck, but I’m really tired of working for scraps. I’m tired of not having enough, living paycheck to paycheck; Applying for loans because I don’t have enough just to be declined; Longing for things, but I can never get them; Wearing the same raggedy shoes I purchased last year; Washing the same 5 pairs of jeans over and over; Looking for a way out; Catching the bus; walking long distances; dreaming, wishing, hoping…. I’m just plain fucking tired of my situation and no matter how I strive to change it, it always seems like I end up right where I started with completely nothing, but fucking disappointments!!

Wow, I didn’t know this entry was going to become another one of my rants, but sometimes you just get tired of the same fuckin’ shit day, after day, after day!

I feel so horrible today. I believe I have a sinus infection or something. I started feeling like shit yesterday when my eyes begin to water and I kept sneezing. I thought it was just allergies until I started to have a lot of painful pressure in my head and around my eyes and nose. This progressed to body aches and my nose draining. I felt even worse this morning and when I blew my nose the contents of my tissue meant infection of some kind. I been in bed all day except for when I had to go to the GYN because my birth control made me have abnormal bleeding (Currently 15 day in counting). I decided to try non hormonal methods which is great because no more side effects, but it also sucks because my risk of getting pregnant increases; Not to mention using a barrier method with spermicide can give a woman a infection because of the nonoxynol-9. I tried to find an alternative to this chemical, but the 2 alternatives are not available in the US. I swear living in this country can really suck at times!

I spent my weekend and Memorial day with my boys and today I’ve just been lying in bed, hoping to be well by tomorrow because I have to go to work. I really hate my job…

Also I hate where I live too. We were told that the landlord preferred students for this house (I live in shared housing). When Brian told me about it our assumption was that it was going to be a fairly decent house cohabited with college students from Case and Cleveland State. We move in and to our surprise the only student that lives here is me! Everyone else are older 40+ immature individuals, that do not respect the rules of the household. Very odd considering our landlord said he preferred college students because there is less drama involved.

We live in the attic and in this hollow old house we can hear everything on the second floor where our immature housemates live. The guy closes to the bathroom smokes and plays his TV loud at 6am. The house rules clearly states no smoking inside the house and no loud radio’s or TV’s before 9am. The man in the middle plays his radio loud at 6am also. We’ve had to complain about him and asked him to turn it down after being awakened by the nuisance on several occasions. The last time he did this I asked him to turn it down and he refused claiming we were banging at 1am and he couldn’t sleep. First and foremost, that isn’t true, and secondly if you claim you didn’t get any sleep, then why the fuck are you blasting music at 6am? Wouldn’t a tired person be sleep at that time? Bullshit! We blew up the landlords phone whom came to the house and told the guy if it happened again he will ask him to leave because we were not the only ones complaining about him. Last, but not least the “ghetto” woman downstairs whom I refer to as “big foot”, stomps around, slams doors, talks and curses loud enough for the whole house to hear. Right now as I type this I can hear her talking about fighting and shedding blood. She curses at her grandchildren when their here on the weekend calling them “nigga” and using phrases like “shut the fuck up”. She’s the definition of “ghetto trash” in my book.

Let me not forget that I had to ask the landlord to give us a table and chair set because the guy on the 1st floor catches an attitude when  Brian and I or the boys are eating in the living area which is for public use.

I’m already tired of this place and it hasn’t even been a month yet!

I know I haven’t updated in a while, but I have been really busy at work. The last few weeks I’ve been working 5, even 6 day weeks at times. I’ve been so wrapped up with work, starting school, and trying to get things settled here in our new place.

I started the Art Institute of Pittsburg Online Division on Friday. I am really excited about starting school and I can’t wait to learn some new web-design skills so I can put them to use on my current sites and start on building my online portfolio. I am planning to finish school in 4 years with my BA in Interactive Media/Web-design and I can’t wait. One thing for certain I am not planning on staying in dried up Ohio after I finish school.

I am planning on moving again to a state that will allow me to find a job in this field and Ohio is not the place for it. I really regret moving back here and I wish things didn’t work out the way they did because it sucks here. It took me over 9 months to find a crappy ass job getting paid $8/hour. I’ve been working 5 and 6 days a week with no more than 28-34 hours per week. I don’t even bring home enough to get a car. I can’t keep doing this. Something’s got to give. I’ve also found out that there’s a hiring freeze with the city so I may not ever get that city job. Cleveland is not the place to be right now. It’s all dried up like a sponge left out in the sun. Speaking of sun when are we going to get some? It’s the middle of May and today it was 57 degrees. WTF?! I’m really missing Florida right now…

Yesterday Brian and I took the boys to T.G.I. Fridays for dinner. It was really nice to have dinner together. This was a really nice weekend. I didn’t have to work so I was able to spend all my time with the boys and Brian without any interruptions. Everything was great until I read some ignorant shit on my website which I won’t even give much attention to. I’m tired of people acting younger than their age. Hell I live with a bunch of immature grown people which is highly irritating.

I’ve also found some new sites that offer products geared towards caring for natural hair. It’s really excited going natural and discovering new products that are made for my hair. Yesterday I tried two strand twists for the first time (not the weave ones), instead of the usual TWA I’ve been wearing and it  looks nice. Very Afrocentric, but nice.

I know I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been so busy. It seems like all I do is work and that’s going to have to come to a stop. I work 5 or 6 days a week, but I only get up to 28 hours per week. Now does that make any sense to you?! I also had an interview and I’ve already taken the drug tests and background tests for the position. I will be only working 3 days a week and I will get 36 hours per week qualifying me as full-time. The shifts are 12 hour shifts, but 6 of those hours are paid sleep time. As soon as I am told when orientation starts I will be notifying my current job that I may need to resign. I wanted to keep this job, but it really doesn’t make any sense to do so. It takes up all my time during the week and I have hardly anytime to be with my boys let alone complete any of my school assignments which will begin May 15th. My education comes first and I know this job isn’t going to take me anywhere. All it does is pay my phone bill, and give me money to get around and have a little fun. I can’t do anything big like move into an apartment, or get a car. I gave this a great deal of thought and I’ve decided that my current job is really too much of a strain for me.

The newest thing in my life is Brian and I finally got our own little spot. It’s not much, but it’s a temporary start. We are currently renting a room in a shared house until we both have the finacial assets to move into an actual apartment although we’ve been also talking about getting a house and maybe renting out half of it. With the Down Payment Assistance program and his military benefits we can have the boys and ourselves in a house. I can’t wait until something moves in our favor so we can start making some steps forward, but this is a start. We can both sleep peacefully, and I can use my computer without people trying to control what I do with it. I don’t have to listen to anyone bitching and complaining and neither does Brian. We finally have a little peace in our lives.

I am really nervous, but I have faith in Brian. I love him so dearly and I believe we can make this work as long as we work together. Brian is so different from what I’m used to. He’s so loving and caring and helpful. He doesn’t disrespect me he is completely perfect in my eyes. I can’t see anything wrong with him. He is completely perfect from every angle in my eyes and I thank God for giving me another chance with him.

Brian and I looked at a place today and we decided to take it. We gave them the security deposit and we will officially move in on Friday. I’m really excited but, worried too. One thing for sure is I am glad that there is no lease because I want to move into my own apartment soon. We only have a room to ourselves and the remainder of the house is shared with about 3 other guests. The house is also in the hood,but that isn’t what scares me…

 I am so scared because of everything I’ve been through in the past, but the thing that scares me the most is the fear of not having the money to pay my bills. When I lived in Florida this is something I went through and I was on the brink of being homeless. That was one of the most horrible, scary situations I’ve ever been in, in my 24 years on this earth. I was all alone in a state 1700+ miles away from anyone that gave a damn about me and I had no money, no job, and no way to support myself. I was so scared and no matter how hard I looked for employment I could never find it. I never want to relive that experience again.

I know that there’s a good chance that, that won’t happen again, but I am still afraid. After being through something as traumatic as that it’s hard to be trusting and let your guards down. I now know that things can happen, but I will try to have more faith in Brian as well as myself. I really hope we’ll be alright.

I know I haven’t been updating in a while, between work, trying to find another job, applying  for school, and being a model on SecondLife I haven’t found time to do much of anything extra. Sometimes SL is the only way I can spend time with Brian too because of work or not having anyone that wants to watch the boys without having lots of complaints about it. I’ve decided that today I’m going to write some preset articles for GrowBlackHair.NET. I think it will be easier on me if I wrote at least 3 articles on the weekend to  be posted throughout the week. That way my blog will seem like it is active throughout the week when I’m busy doing other things. GrowBlackHair.NET has been a source of income for me and I intend to keep that way and increase my revenue if I can.

Well I have to be off to update some GrowBlackHair.NET.

I’ve also decide to show you some more pics from SL:

This is mee at an amusement park Brian(Laureate) and I went to. As you can see I recently bought a new skin that looked more like my skin tone than the previous one.

Brian and I at the amusement park again.

Brian and I at the Zen Springs.

I have some model shots too that look really good, like an actually model photo, but I haven’t downloaded them to my computer yet so I’ll add them later this week!

I know I haven’t updated in a while I’ve been so busy playing SecondLife, and working, and getting ready to start school at the Art Institute of Pittsburg. Tri-C hasn’t been working out for me so I’ve decided that online education is better for me. I’ve always been tired because I have to do so much just to get to and from school and now that I have a new job it has put an even greater strain on me, so I’ve decided to withdraw and start off fresh at the Art Insitute of Pittsburg Online.

With today being Easter(Ishtar, Semiramis) am I totally disgusted by this holiday and it’s practices. If you are curious to know why see the link below:

http://www.allaboutjesuschrist.org/origin-of-easter.htm

For those of you that don’t know I do not condone Christmas either or any other traditional Christian holiday because that is just what they are traditions.

In other news, Brian and I have been talking about marriage and how the wedding will take place. In all honesty I shy away from the big grand wedding tradition and I would be quite satisfied with a small simple wedding with our guest list under 25 people. I would like to be married outside in a beautiful gown (not a wedding dress) with my hair dressed up with flowers. I’d like a wedding cake, and a simple reception with a homecooked meal with members of my own family being the chef’s instead of an expenisve ass caterer. I’d also like to go to Cancun, Mexico for my honeymoon if possible. I really don’t want anything more than that. I’m fairly a simple woman and I don’t ask for much at all in life or in a man for that matter. All I want is someone that will love me and my children and will treat me and my boys with the utmost respect. Someone that will actually be a “man”, whom will live up to every expectation of that word in a bibical tense, because in this present day and time it doesn’t take much to be a man and it saddens me.

Well this is what I’ve been doing for the past couple of days. I used to play this game a few years ago, but my PC couldn’t handle the program and because this game was so new there were a load of bugs that needed to be fixed. Just 2 weeks ago I decided to give Second Life another go.

Second Life is similar to The Sims, but better. It’s an online community created by it’s residents and it takes social networking and instant messaging to another level. You can create an avatar which is your form of self expression…(Mine looks as much like me as possible. I express myself with the clothes I wear, not her looks.)  You can also buy hair, clothes, accessories, and skins to make your avatar unique. If you’re good at PSP’s you can make your own hair, skin, and clothes, etc.

I used to IM Brian a lot on Myspace messenger, but since I created a SecondLife account, normal IM isn’t where it’s at with me or him anymore.

The above pic is Brian (Laureate) and I(Samara) at a beautiful garden called Apollo that has that Rome look and feel. We’ve already been to a party and out shopping together almost every day, etc.

There’s so much free stuff you can get from the malls, but 4 bucks will get you $1000 in SL money to spend which couldn’t hurt because if you really want your avatar to look a certain way 4 bucks is all that is needed to buy the perfect skin and hair. Free clothes are abundant so you don’t really need to buy clothes unless you see something in one of the malls that you really like.

Of coarse SecondLife has many perverts, people that are vampires, strippers, even slaves! Just last night I had a guy asking me to be his mistress. That was really weird. You can also own your own business(even making real money), find employment, have sex, etc. The possibilities are limitless.

Besides some of SL perversions it’s still an interesting social network/game that keeps me occupied in my spare time.

This is a photo I took of Laureate and I in my house that I built.

In other news, I will be adding the second part of my story “The Voice of an Unbroken Spirit” sometime this week.