Lately I’ve found that I’ve been a lot meaner than normal since I returned from Tampa, FL. I never really had a temper and I used to be rather humble, laid back, and quiet. I’m still laid back and some what quiet, but humble? Forget it. It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb. I hate feeling angry, but I find that I go off more than usual and I stay mad for quite a while. I never stayed angry longer than maybe an hour, but the last time I was pissed, I was angry for a day and a half. I was so fucking angry so I just went to sleep to calm down, dreamed about what made me angry, and woke up just as angry as I was before I took a nap.

I’ve been through so much as a woman at the age of 25 and I believe all the things life has put me through is plays a big factor in why I have a “no B.S. attitude“. I don’t like being as mean as I am right now and I wish I could change that. I believe there is some things within myself that need to be confronted and put to rest in order to calm my temper some, but I don’t think I will be as humble and meek as I was 6 years ago. Honestly in the last week I’ve clocked out on 2 different people and was at the verge of exploding on Brian the other day.

I went off on some one today to an extinct, but I don’t feel I was in the wrong. You tell me:

A man asked me what kind of phone I had while I was on the bus texting my sister. I told him it was a Samsung. He then asked me was it a camera phone. I told him “yea”. He then asked me how old I was so I told him in a neutral tone “that is none of your business.” He said “God Bless You” and got up and went to another seat. When I got off the bus so did he and he walked passed me and said “You need to stop being so damn mean.” My response was “Fuck You!” I don’t owe it to him or no one else for that matter to tell my fucking age. That was just an invite for more personal questions leading to him asking for my number etc. I should have just told him to “leave me the fuck alone”. Then he could have said I was mean.

I know I need to work on my temper. I yelled at a woman in the gift shop yesterday when I took Elijah to the museum too because I feeled like she was nit picking at me. I feel bad about it now, but she really irritated the hell out of me. Well I have to wash and condition my hair. I plan on taking my braids out on April 17th and putting some more in sometime in May or June. I will be updating my natural hair growth progress on GrowBlackHair.NET. Check it out!

I went to my job interview today and everything went well. I dressed up for an “interview” unlike the other girl that was there, whom had on a pair of jeans and tennis shoes. I wanted 3rd shift, but they sounded like they were trying to offer me a part-time first shift position. I really want to be working full-time because I really need the money to move out. It’s always something here because I gave my mom my food-stamp card to help with groceries and now she’s asking me for $70 for the electric bill claiming I’ve made the bill high because of my lab top usage and it’s about to get disconnected. I know that isn’t true. I’ve only had my lab top since February and when I lived on my own and had a desktop computer, my pc never caused my electric to be high and I left my pc on all night and day. I don’t understand why she can’t ask my Dad because I don’t have a job at all and the money that I have saved is for my phone bill and to get to and from school, etc. I would feel really stupid taking the sacrifice of giving her the money and when it’s time for me to go to work she refuses to take me. I really hope I get this job, I’m tired of looking.

I’ve made some changes to the site over the course of the last few days. I changed my default smilies to these cute, white, puff-like smilies and I changed the comment’s plugin as well as added some new features to the site. I was using Sexy Comments, but it seems like when I activated Commentluv it caused Sexy Comments to malfunction. When I clicked on the “Reply” link it wouldn’t copy the comment into the comment form. Instead it would display the word “null“. I then decided to deactivate Commentluv and it didn’t help. Next I reinstalled Sexy Comments with Commentluv still disabled and it still didn’t work so I ended up installing Ajax-Reply-Comments which works like a charm and is compatible with the Commentluv plugin.

Man I am so tired. I’ve felt myself almost doze off twice already and I’ve been fighting my sleep all day. I’m going to try to call it a night.

Today was not a very good day at all. It was more of a highly irritating day for me. I really thought this day was going to go well, but it didn’t go as I expected at all. I took a day off of school to spend some time with Brian because I really wanted to have some alone time with him since the last time I tried to spend time with him I couldn’t due to the same circumstances that happened today. I really wish I would’ve known that it was going to be the same shit today so I would’ve not wasted my time just to be annoyed. I missed a whole day of school for nothing. Since I couldn’t spend time with him at his home I invited him downtown. I wanted to at least try to make this day work because I went all the way over there  to spend time with him and I was disappointed at the fact that I couldn’t and he didn’t even take into consideration to warn me before I came by. I feel that, that was very unfair and I was so angry and irritated with the entire situation that I didn’t have anything to say because I didn’t want to snap on anyone. I am so patient and understanding, but that can only go so far before I crack which is something I will like to avoid if at all possible. He didn’t even go downtown with me so I ended up going alone just to be further irritated by the St. Patrick’s Day crowd.

Today was a beautiful day and it was ruined for me. I just walked around the mall watching all the St. Patrick’s Day celebrators walk around intoxicated and acting like complete and utter idiots. After the entertainment of that began to bore me, I went to the rapid station and waited for the train to arrive. It seemed like everyone from Parma and Brookpark (the St. Patrick’s Day crowd) didn’t have to wait long for the rapid to come. A train came for them back to back, but for us, we were left waiting for over an hour because the RTA was catering to them. We spend money on your the RTA bus and rapid everyday faithfully and you they cater to these people on St. Patrick’s Day whom will probably won’t be catching your the rapid anytime soon. What a fucking shame!! We’re loyal customers and we should be treated better than that!

While I was downtown and on the busI talked to Tenisha for a little while until I got home to keep myself from actually snapping on anyone that annoyed me. I didn’t want to take my frustrations out on anyone non-deserving of such. I’m now at home and suprisingly this is the most peace I’ve had all day. I’m really worn out from all the displeasures of today so I’m just going to call it a day and take a nap. I am really exhausted now and would just rather not think about today. I hope Thursday turns out the way I expect at least. I’m tired of this old track record of disappointments and it’s time for a change in pace.

Today is Elijah’s 7th birthday so I’ve  been in the process of planning Elijah’s birthday party which will be on Saturday at the museum. The party will then meet back here for cake, ice cream, and a light meal. It’s going to be a dinosaur themed party and the museum will not only be fun, but it will be educational as well. I really hope this party goes as planned because I’ve been disappointed in the past when it comes to people not showing up. I don’t like spending loads of money on a party and making a big effort to show everyone a good time just for my son to be stood up. Speaking of Elijah’s birthday, Brian is supposed to be coming by to go with me to the party store to purchase some party decor for Elijah’s party on Saturday. He also wants to spend some time with the boys. I really hope they have the decor I’m looking for because I can’t really afford to spend $70 on party decor right now giving the fact that I’m currently unemployed.

I finally got an interview at a place working with people with developmental disabilities all the way across town. It’s a third shift position which is perfect for me. I really hope I get hired there. I’m tired of looking for a job and if I have to catch the bus all the way across town then so be it. I have to go there on Thursday and give them all my information so hopefully everything will work out the way I would like it to.

I also saw The move the Last House on the Left this weekend with my best friend Tenisha. I liked the movie and I didn’t like the movie because I don’t like movies containing sexual abuse, but I loved to watch a movie where someone actually got what was coming to them for once. I was under the impression that this movie was going to be scary because that’s what Tenisha said, but I found it to be amusing as well as a little sick and twisted.

I decided to name this post Auricular because this word isn’t used very often. This post has nothing to do with the meaning of this word so it’s a more of a random title (More about this word later in the post).

I really hate the weather here. It is so cold today. It was 24 degrees today and that really sucks when you have to catch the bus. I had on 2 shirts, 2 hoodies, my wool coat, a pair of gloves, and a scarf and I was still cold! My hands were so cold that they hurt. I really feel sorry for anyone that is homeless in Ohio because the weather is absolutely dreadful. If I was homeless I would make it my business to move to warmer much more bearable climate even if I had to walk the whole way. I always find myself looking forward to the summer when I am in Ohio because that’s the only time the weather is actually bearable and won’t cause me to get ill. Any other time of the year the temperature is up and down like crazy and everyone is contracting Influenza. Luckily I’ve managed to avoid getting really sick which I have to credit my evasion of getting ill to taking vitamin C tablets daily.

In other news I spent today with Brian just as planned. I basically slept in his arms the whole time. All those nights where I only got 4 hours of sleep has finally caught up with me and I’ve been doing nothing, but sleeping  every time we’re together because that’s my only opportunity to actually get some sleep. I am still tired even now and of course Jeremiah is still up right now. *Sigh*

I decided to give Sweetvanillasugar a rest and focus on GrowBlackHair.NET more. That’s the site that has been making me money. My goal for the next 6 months is to get enough clicks to earn at least $100+ a month instead of every 2-3 months. My site comes up on the first page when the key words “grow black hair” are Googled, but I need to add more information and write more articles. At least 4 articles a month if not more. Sometimes I run out of ideas, but when I do I review a hair product until another idea comes to mind. Right now I’m currently in the process of reviewing Carol’s Daughter Hair Milk. I’ve gotten a lot of requests about this product so I went to Sephora and purchased a bottle to test it out on both natural and relaxed hair. If you want to read the review check out my site in a few weeks.

Last but not least, I deleted and edited my categories today. I had the category “Personal” and “Private” which are literary the same thing. I mean those are actually synonyms to each other so I decided to combine those entries and rename the category to “Auricular“, but who really uses that word or knows what it means? So I ended up changing it to “Confidential” instead. I also changed “Writings” to “Literary Works”  — a little more unique I must say.

Today was a rather easy day. I took my cardio/fitness class and then I had to make up the class I missed 2 weeks ago so I had a short lunch and then I took a yoga/pilates class to make up that day. It was rather refreshing. I didn’t feel sore afterward, but lighter and more relaxed when I left the class. I wouldn’t mind adding some yoga and pilates to my actual daily routine because it just might help me cope with the stress I have to deal with daily at home.  I also had to take two exam’s yesterday which I did not even know about. I need to start paying more attention to my syllabus, but lately I’ve been so tired and off track that I haven’t been as on top of things as I was when I first started school. Hopefully after the Spring break and a little rest I can get right back on track. I’m going to at least shoot for achieving that goal anyways.

At home the drama continues… Yesterday I came home and I was so exhausted. I was only home for about 20 minutes when my mom comes up to me and starts arguing about  my phone conversations because I was talking to Brian 2 nights ago about the previous entry and my sister was downstairs listening to my conversation. She then brought up my blog again. Just like the drama queen my sister is,  she waits until I’m gone and tells my mom what I talked about with Brian. What is her reasons? To create drama. It’s like she feeds off  that shit or something. My sister is so immature for someone whom just had a baby and typical she really doesn’t have a life because she is always wrapped up in what I’m doing. If she wasn’t my sister, me and her would’ve been fault and I would’ve successfully kicked her drama loving ass.

My mom wanted to start quoting the Bible about me turning the other cheek and trying to say I’m being the devils tool because I won’t allow my sister to continue to dog me out. She really don’t want to take it there with me concerning the Bible because I may not go to church, but I know my Bible very well and the Bible also states that what my sister is doing (Tattling & meddling) is a sin.

1 Timothy 5:13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

Anyways, I’m going to spend my Spring break resting, catching up on my math, spending time with the boys(getting Jeremiah on a better sleep schedule) and spending time with Brian as well. I won’t be sitting around at home being irritated and annoyed. I want my vacation/break to feel just like what it is…a break!

J-O-B is the word of the day…

I find that it is rather difficult to cover much ground when I’m on the bus because I was only able to go to one place today before having to make my way back to pick Elijah up from school. I asked Brian if he would accompany me last night because I really didn’t know where I was going and I did not want to get lost. We decided to meet up at Starbucks where I purchased a delicious soy white chocolate mocha and 3 vanilla bean scones. While I was sitting in front of the fireplace waiting on Brian to arrive, my older brother started to text me questioning me why I didn’t go see my sister’s baby. I didn’t really feel like entertaining that subject so I just texted him back saying that we aren’t on speaking terms and I haven’t had a chance to go yet. He continued to prode me, but I still didn’t go into great detail of the incident because I didn’t want my day ruined by B.B.S. (Basic Bull Shit). He continued to text me and when I gave him a generalized explanation of what happened, basically stating that my sister goes to my blog reads it to purposely create drama and then she lies on me or to me to create issues. He then began attacking me and my blog asking for the blog URL etc. I refused and he continued to try to flip the situation on me like everyone else in this family does when an issue is at hand involving me. I’m always the one everyone is against. There is no fuckin way in hell I am wrong every single time! Once he started doing that I told him I was done talking about it because he’s acting like everyone else in this family. He text me 11 more times and I didn’t respond or even read the messages. I was so angry I wanted to scream and cry and punch the wall all at the same time. I really hope I get a job very very soon. Like this month…no this week !

When I got home I took the boys to the mall to buy Elijah some shoes and I ended up getting a digital camera as well. After leaving the mall and arriving home what am I welcomed to? A sign on the refrigerator stating for me not record anything on the DVR if I can’t pay the bill. Honestly, I don’t have a problem with it, but leaving nasty notes and such is just plain annoying! It seems like my family just finds things to nit pick at me about. I am beginning to believe that they can and will never be satisfied no matter what I do.  They will always have something to complain about.

To make matters worse my Mom comes in the house 15 minutes later with a straight attitute, slamming the door and kicking everyones shoes around. She then walked up to Elijah asking him “What’s your daddy’s name?” while Brian is sitting in the other room. Of course we both heard her and I thought that was really stupid and immature. What are you really trying to imply here? I finally have someone that not only wants to be a part of my life, but my boys life as well and it seems like you are so against the whole idea of us being truly happy. I don’t know why she’d rather me be miserable or why she is so fuckin negative.

Today I was so tired. I ended up going to Brian’s house and going to sleep. Jeremiah kept me up all night. He went to sleep around 3am and got up at 4am crying. I tried putting him to back to sleep by placing him on the couch with me, but Jeremiah is so darn difficult so I ended up putting him back on the love seat. I was up at 30 minute intervals with him and I believe I on only slept for maybe 2 hours at the most. I couldn’t function at all in the morning. I was moving so slow and Elijah ended up being late to school. I had to run for the bus which was right at the end of my street. Elijah had to walk most of he way to school on his own. Thankfully his school is only a 3-5 minute walk away. I was able to watch him walk to school from the bus and I then called 411 to connect me to his school, called his teacher’s room, and spoke to him myself to make sure he was okay. I felt so guilty leaving him. Next time I’ll just catch the next bus if I’m running late like that. I don’t like leaving my son like that. I walked to school on my own when I was 6, but I just really don’t feel comfortable allowing my own children to walk until they’re at least 8 or 9.

When I came home I worked on my math and talked to Brian on my cell. I was actually able to get Jeremiah to go to sleep by 11pm this time. That’s a big improvement from 3am, but I’m shooting for at least 9:30pm. He needs to learn how to go to sleep at a decent hour. It’s been really hectic with my sister and her new baby which was born early. It seems like I’m doing everything around the house, not that my sister ever helped much before he was born anyway.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to apply for another job downtown. It just isn’t much of anything in Ohio and I’m tired of going to school for different things just to have a job that I never actually get. I really have no idea what to do now and I’m starting to get really depressed. I don’t want to live here to much longer.

I haven’t done much today, but look after the boys and sleep and work on SweetVanillaSugar.COM a little. Today was very boring. I was so tired and I slept all the way to 2pm because Jeremiah kept me up all night. I don’t know why that little boy won’t go to sleep on time. I have to practically force him to go to sleep at night. I finally deleted my old blog on the 28th so it is officially no more. I also deleted my email address associated with that blog as well. It’s nice to have peace again. I was actually thinking about making a whole new layout for SweetVanillaSugar, but I’ve decided against it for now.

I spent the weekend with Brian. It was nice to be able to spend some time with him. I have been so wrapped up in everything here I found that I didn’t have much time for him and I had to squeeze in time to see him even for a few hours during the week. We didn’t do much, but cuddle and watch TV and talk. It’s amazing how much we love each other. I never loved any man as much as I love him.

I have to go to school tomorrow and I have so much math to catch up on it’s ridiculous. I really hope I can get all caught up over the spring break.

I haven’t been to see my nephew yet and a lot of it has to do with the issues with my sister. Her constantly creating unnecessary drama for me by lying on me in various cases and reading my blog just to create issues at home when I had my blog hosted at SweetVanillaSugar. The last time she did it she sent me a text message threatening to “whoop my ass”. I know she’s my sister and all, but being how I am I’m not going to take an ass beating off of no one. I haven’t spoke to her since she came back because I always find myself being the humble one even when she’s the one that’s wrong. That girl does not believe in apologizing if it was to save her life! I’m also tired of her only wanting me around as her last resort or using me for what little I do have. Quite frankly the way I feel right now, I wouldn’t care if we never spoke again.

Today I spent the day with Brian. I was really tired and I decided to do most of my work at home and email it to my teacher. I am still very behind in my math. Today I spent the day with Brian. I was really tired and I decided to do most of my work at home and email it to my teacher. I am still very behind in my math.I wish we didn’t have to take math courses to get a degree for learning web-design and digital graphics. The whole class is online and they want you to do so much in a small amount of time. With everything that’s been going on including my sister having her baby early and all I’ve been losing focus on my studies for the last 2 weeks. I find myself tired all the time because I’ve been up late with Jeremiah and I’ve been doing even more around the house than before. I actually ended up going to Brian’s house and just sleeping the whole entire time!

I cleaned up my blog some more today and changed a few things. I ended up deleting my FAQ page because most of the questions are answered on my credits page so it served no purpose. I deleted my pages page and replaced it with a page called sites where my other sites will be located along with sites that I really admire. I also also decided to change my favicon (clear your cache to see it) and the calendar icon from the emerald to my original idea…a planet with rings. I just had to find a good tutorial on how to make a planet with rings. The emerald just took away from the layout completely, but now I am really happy with the way my site looks now.

Eternally-me.com is going to be launched officially on March 1st. The same day I will be deleting SweetVanillaSugar.com and making a temporary page until I make up my mind what i want to do with the domain. I’ve also added a ban plugin to my new blog so I won’t have to go through all the harassment I went through on sweetvanillasugar.com.