- I used to play the violin so the idea came about to see how I could tie my love for creative writing into a worded symphony. That’s what poetry is to me and so far this is what I’ve come up with. It is still incomplete though…

I find myself now becoming drained instantly at even the slightest interest of another in me
Just the mere thought of giving myself to another makes me weak
as if I’ve had the life sucked out of me
I’m tired and I’ve given up
I no longer want to even try for love anymore
I have nothing left to give…
The little that I do have, the unconditional kind.
I’ve managed to save just a little
This little bit was stored away to give to my sons
My precious sons, the products of the destruction of love…
Although love was so horrible to me,
my sons give me great joy, strength, and the will power to move forward
so for that I owe them the little love I have left.
But for all the other assholes
the users and abusers
the liars, cheaters, and heartbreakers
all the broken promises they make
the lies they tell
the plans they plot to break me down
I have no holla for them or anyone else that comes my way
Everything I had is all used up
I’m like a river
dried up like the Sahara desert
I gave so much and it all returned to me void
What is love to me?
It is nothing… Nothing at all.

How can you call yourself a man if you are letting a female do all the work? Why is it her job to pick you up and take you where you need to go? Why is she footing the bill on all the outings the two of you do together? Why is she paying all the bills, buying all the food, washing your clothes, and doing all these duties treating you like a king, but she’s being treating like a slave in return? The only thing you have to offer is your lazy ass keeping her company and giving her some sex, which may not be the bomb sex either. It’s like we as black women are trying to buy love. Don’t we feel like we are worthy of love without having to buy it? Shouldn’t we be the ones being showered with attention, gifts,  and love? It’s okay to do things for your man, but what is he doing for you? He should be doing just as much if not more.

I have regrets from being a woman like that. I did this two times in my life and after the second time around I made a vow that I will never take care of a lazy ass grown nigga again. I have 3 soon to be 4 children and I am doing this all on my own, so the way I see it, if a man comes into my life and instead of trying to help me, he calls himself trying to use me for his own selfish benefit, then he will be seeing the door within a matter of seconds. It is very selfish to be a man and to have the nerve to be that cold and triphlant. How dare you take advantage of a woman whom has children! This also goes for women that don’t have children. You are the one working day after day, paying your bills, buying food, etc. Just because you don’t have the obligation of children doesn’t mean you should settle for a man that will allow you to take care of him. To stop this treatment, my advice is that is all starts with us. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are doing everything for a man. If he can’t get his shit right and treat you like a woman should be treated then don’t fuck with him. Move on to the next man. There are still some decent men out here. I know it is, but we need to stop limiting ourselves to dating these little boys!

We need men and there’s an epidemic going on in the black community involving our black men. They don’t know how to be a man! How can they learn, when they had no one to teach them growing up? Learning this makes me so sad, because I have 3 precious sons and I don’t want them to grow up to become like one of these men, but how can I teach my sons to be a MAN when I am merely a woman. Even though I know that I am now on my own in this situation and I have to play both roles, I have accepted the fact that I am only a WOMAN. I know nothing about being a man. So with that said, the jury is still out on what needs to be done about that…

I began to talk to my children father again on the phone whom was in Oklahoma at the time whom claimed he was going to come get me, but never did and I eventually made plans to move back to Ohio because  I was tired of the abuse and I couldn’t find a job either.

One night my friend that lived downstairs invited me to a male review and I wanted to go. I didn’t care how the abusive jerk felt about it so I got dressed and told him I was going to a party. He got angry and called me “bitch” several times. I had enough so I called the police and had him escorted out of my apartment. I left and went to the review and came back intoxicated when I noticed this asshole broke into my apartment and was lying across my bed! I was too drunk to do anything so I just went to sleep.

The following day I ignored him and then asked him when he was going to leave. He asked me what my problem was and I told him again to leave and to have his things ready when I got back from the store. Later that night he still remained in my apartment and while I was on the phone with my son’s father he attacked me. He punched me in the the face while I sat on the floor, poured a can of beer all over my hair and face, and began to kick me while I was on the floor. I grabbed his dreadlocks trying to rip them from his scalp. He then started to choke me, I began to bang on the floor to alert my friend to call the police. The police came and asked me what happened and he tried to deny hitting me, but you could clearly see that I had been assaulted given the fact that I had fresh scars around my neck from him choking me. He was taken into custody after giving the police his sorry ass sob story claiming I was all he had. I never felt so much relief before in my life. It was like a weight was lifted from me when he left. I turned off my phone and actually slept peacefully because I knew he was going to call my phone repeatedly from jail.

The following day I turn my phone on after finding over 20 messages on my voicemail. He called again 2 minutes after turning my phone on. I answered and he claimed he was sorry and claimed he loved me. I really didn’t care how he felt. I no longer felt guilty for him being in jail. It wasn’t my fault he was there, it was his, but he did convince me to see him in jail. I know I shouldn’t have, but this was my opportunity to give him a piece of my mind.

When I went to see him, he again had this whole story about how he was reading his Bible and praying and going to Bible study. He wanted to come to Ohio and asked me to leave him money to go back to his home state. I told him ok, but I never intended on doing so at all. After several visits he asked me about the money and I told him the truth and told him that I was not leaving him any money at all. He got upset and that’s when I gave him a piece of my mind and reminded him about all the help I provided while he did nothing to help me. I told him that he treated me like garbage and took everything I had. I was able to say what I wanted without having to be physically abused. This was the last time I visited that asshole. I took a plane back to Ohio after selling everything I had including my car. I had to throw away a lot of clothes and toys that I couldn’t sell which really hurt.

I am glad I am out of that situation, but these events have had an impact on my life. I am now quick tempered, non-trusting, and mean. I will not allow anyone to take advantage of me or hurt me anymore and if I feel that I am being taking advantage of I end up losing patience and completey losing my temper. In a way this is a good thing because I have become more assertive and I have set boundaries in place that will not be broken with out consequences. I am a much stronger wiser woman than before these events I experienced in Florida.