1. I am at peace and without stress when he is gone. I have found that life at home with the just the boys and I is very peaceful. I am not irritated or grossed out or even stressed to say the least. I don’t have to deal with the nasty habits of my husband or by his mere presence when he is doing things that annoy me.

2. My husband justified just about everything he has done wrong. I am tired of this same game of back and forth. Every time I brought up an issue he had a justification for it. He even acted like I was wrong for questioning him about the woman calling the phone that I knew nothing about. This was his reason for walking out. If you have a phone that your wife knows nothing about and then a woman calls it, your wife has the right to ask you about it, but he can’t see my point. Instead he keeps going on about me accusing him, etc. There are so many things have observed during this marriage, that I have found that I cannot tolerate nor live with. Maybe if we had waited for about a year before getting married we would’ve known. Maybe there are things he can’t stand about me either, I don’t know. I’ve asked him several times and he never has an answer. It doesn’t really matter now though, and I am not prepared to try to work this out neither do I desire to. I already know that if I brought up the issues he would become defensive and argumentative and nothing will be solved. This is why it took me a week to ask about the woman calling his phone. I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible and it would be best to go our separate ways.

3. I really want to be with someone whom fears and respects God. I need someone with similar values and morals. Someone whom prays and reads the Bible just as much as I do. Who will show me respect and will not exploit my sons to hostile behavior and language. I had my children before this marriage and I am trying to instill certain values and morals within them, but it becomes very difficult when the male whom they look up to as an example is doing the complete opposite. Even though my baby father Jeremy, was a horrible boyfriend I never had these many issues with him when I lived with him. He had some disgusting habits, but it wasn’t this horrible. With that said it’s just best for us to end the marriage for the sake of both of our happiness.

I don’t know if he thinks the conversation we had the other day just repaired everything, but to leave me for asking about a girl calling a cell phone I had no knowledge of is not a good enough reason to walk out on a marriage. That did not sit to well with me and if something that small can make him leave, then I do not want to continue to do this with him. He leaves for the stupidest reasons and justifies it by bringing up the 2 times I left because he cursed me out and another time when after having my income tax seized because of him owing back taxes, having the phone cut off because of him, etc. I then had to listen to his Dad dog me out while he just sat there and played stupid. He didn’t even defend me so I couldn’t take anymore and left and he didn’t even apologize. Instead he justified it, made excuses and to add insult to injury had the nerve to pack his things and leave as well.

It’s just too much. Maybe we can come to a civil agreement regarding the bills and this baby and move on. This is what I hope for anyway.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

From what I’ve studied I have discovered that there is no where in God’s Word that we are to practice “self forgiveness.” For one it is impossible, and 2 it’s like us trying to be higher than God. We are to confess our sins and forgive one another so that God will forgive us, but we aren’t suppose to try to forgive ourselves.

So why do will feel so condemned even after we’ve asked God to forgive us? He’s forgiven us already so why do we still feel the guilt, shame and pain? The reason is because we are lacking faith. We are lacking faith that God has actually forgiven us and forgotten our transgressions. If you really think about it, those things that you have done in your past and have repented of and asked forgiveness for, do you really believe it in your heart that God has forgiven you? If you still feel shameful, and guilty, then no you haven’t.

I know that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. He was the perfect sacrifice, the perfect lamb. He paved the way for us to be forgiven and have everlasting life. God loved us this much that he gave his only son to die for our sins. If you believe Jesus died for your sins, have faith that your sins are forgiven. All you have to do is confess your sins, ask for forgiveness, and believe and have faith that God has forgiven you. This is something I must learn to do and this is something many others must learn to do also.

I know this may sound all preachy and such, but this is a real life situation. This is something that I’ve been dealing with and I am sure many others are dealing with the same issue. I searched for an answer to why I still felt guilty and full of pain due to my past decisions even though I asked God to forgive me and now I know why and what I must do to get passed it. I only wanted to share this answer with my readers whom may or may not be dealing with the same issues. I hope this can help some of you.  :)

For more information about this: http://www.crcna.org/pages/denhaan_rom3.cfm

I want to start praying more. I do not pray enough. Even if it’s just before I go to bed and at meal times, it’s not enough. I forget to pray at meal times a lot too. I want my relationship with God to be a strong or stronger than the bond I have with my own parents meaning talking to Him more and not only when I’m asking for something. I like to thank Him for all his blessings whenever I can.

I want to start reading the Bible more. I used to read the Bible heavily, but I haven’t been reading the Word as much as I used to. Even though I know quite a lot, there is still so much more yet to be learned. So much wisdom, knowledge and understanding to gain. How can I minister to anyone without the proper wisdom and understanding?

I want to let go of my old ways. When I say this, I mean habits that I have acquired from living my life. All my hardships have conditioned my mind to think a certain way. I sometimes feel alone in the world, like everything is on me and I am afraid to ask for anything because I’m always thinking it’s too much to ask for. I was with someone for almost a decade whom was extremely cheap, complained about spending money on our family, and complained about anything I asked for stating I was a “gold digger” so I learned to get everything myself. Now I am with someone whom wouldn’t mind buying that $25 conditioner I want to try, or those $1.49 butterfly clips and $3 Denman brush, but it’s hard for me to accept that because I’m so used to having to rely on myself. We can be in the store and despite how cheap something may be, I’d only ask for one thing and wait to get the other’s myself. If my children need something I stress myself to make sure they get it because that’s the way it’s always been.  I’m not used to anyone taking care of me. I’m used to paying half of all the bills and if I don’t have my half then I have to pay that person(my significant other) back when I get it. This is the way it was for me, and even though it may sound stupid to you that someone would ask the mother of their children to pay them back, it’s the reality of what happened. So my goal is to let go of this preconditioned way of thinking and enjoy my new life.

These are my goals for 2010 so far, there not resolutions, but goals I will try to meet. I may look over myself and find more things I’d like to change, but so far these are the things that I will start working on, starting today.

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timonthy 5:8

Now that I’ve read this, I know now that the father’s of my children will be judged  and punished for their actions. It makes me feel better about the situation of my children when I see that even God acknowledges it. Even though I am now married and I have a man that helps me with my children, I still remember the years when I didn’t have anyone, but myself and my own family to lean on. While I was working hard to make a way for myself and children, dealing with low paying-high labor jobs, dealing with Children & Families Services, dealing with child support and not getting any help at all. They were and still are only worried about providing for themselves, doing what they want whenever they want, and having a wonderful time only worrying about themselves.

I can’t even ask my eldest son’s father for a dime. I have to be really desperate to ask him for anything but when I did contact him on Facebook he reads my message and never responds. I’ve sent him messages prior not even asking for money and he treats me and my son like we don’t even exist.  He hasn’t seen my son for 5+ years and he won’t even acknowledge me, but proudly displays my sons name on his Facebook account like he’s such a great “dad”.

My youngest two father is so pathetic and it’s even shameful to think that I was with someone like him. He spends his time making Youtube video’s of skinny 18 year-old girls acting like groupies and whores. I think one of the girls are suppose to be his girlfriend. Mind you I am 26 years old, what do I look like hanging out with a bunch of 18 year old’s or having an 18 year old boyfriend? When I saw the videos I was ashamed and embarrassed to say the least. This is what I had children with and wasted 6+ years on? He claims he does all this for the boys but it doesn’t make sense. The boys will never benefit from it, only he is benefiting from entertaining his sick perversions for sex. It’s really sad and even though I will never regret having my children, I do regret having them with their father’s.

With all this said, I will never talk bad about their fathers to them. I believe that I really don’t have to say much because in the end actions speak louder than words, but with that said, this is exactly why Brian and I are preparing to have them adopted. Their father’s don’t care about their well-being, but my husband and I do and I believe adoption is the best option for them. We will no longer have to deal with child support, Supportkids, their father’s not providing for them, etc. Once my children and I are free of those deadbeats for good, it will be a day worth rejoicing.

Anyways, we wanted to go someone and there wasn’t any other good movies showing so “Precious” it was. The movie was a good movie overall. Monique played the hell out of her role. She should get an Oscar for that because she did a “damn” good job. She played her character so well, I wanted to jump into the movie and bash her with that cast iron skillet she had. I almost cried on certain parts of the movie, and even though it was extremely intense, I still say it was a good movie, but due to the intensity and sick subject of it I can’t say I’ll be purchasing this movie when it comes out. BTW: Mariah Carey isn’t that bad of an actor. I was thoroughly impressed!