I will like to start off by saying how I wish I could grasp that something we call “Total Peace”. I have my blog to write about my day, my feelings, to vent or share information and I can’t even enjoy this little bit without problems. I found out that Anthony and his church members are still accessing my site and reading about my life even with my attempts to block them from access from Jeremy’s voicemails. I did some IP lookups today and found a couple of users are using internet services that are located in the city I live in. What do I have to do? Block all the IP’s from my city other than my own from accessing my site? I guess so.

To Anthony and your so-called congregation:

You need to spend more time on learning to be more Christlike and studying the Word and less time on my site. My site has nothing to do with your spiritual growth in Christ. Get a life, stop reading about mine and apply that energy to your own lives.

Today’s sermon really touched me because I felt like it was directed to me in so many ways. The guest pastor today preached from the book of John chapter 8 about the adultress woman whom was caught in the act. What he pointed out was how the men were humiliating this woman because of her sin to set up Jesus and Jesus ignored them because of there ignorance. He finally spoke and said the one without sin, cast the first stone. None of the men were without sin and threw down there stones and departed. When the woman was alone Jesus spoke a sentence that gave both forgiveness and restoration: “Go and sin no more”.

You see in the bible God says that we are only to be condemned before him a Holy God and no one else. He is the only one whom has the right and authority to condemn us. No man or woman has that right because their flesh are just as sinful as our own and everyone has sinned. Satan uses public humiliation to destroy a person. By exposing people’s hidden sins and doing what he can to destroy your image and your soul. When you feel convicted for doing something wrong you stand at a cross road with 2 options: Condemnation and Salvation. It’s up to you to choose which way to go. When you choose Condemnation you allow Satan to destroy you with guilt and humiliation, but when you choose Salvation you repent and ask for mercy and forgiveness and then you are restored.

The pastor also touched basis strongly on forgiveness and how people have unforgiving hearts. Doing things to get revenge like humiliating the person whom wronged them for example. He explained that if we are to be forgiven we must forgive others because if we do not then God will treat us with the same mercy as we have shown to our brothers and sisters. This really touched me because it has been very hard for me to forgive Jeremy for almost killing me and then cheating multiple times afterwards. I knew I needed to hear that. I know I’m suppose to forgive to be forgiven, but it’s so hard when the person makes it difficult and brings accusers, just like they did to the woman in John 8 and accuse and condemn you.

I’ve also had him doing everything in his power to destroy my image by telling everything that I have done while leaving his own sins uncovered like the men in John 8; Sometime’s he’s even exagerrated the truth to humiliate me just like Satan intends. We are to cast our cares upon God only and even I am guilty of this by telling my friends and family about the pain I’ve endured from him. I’ve never left out my own sins, but I still shouldn’t tell them about my problems.

Even though I must work on forgiving him which has been alot easier to do since he hasn’t been in my life I still will not speak with him. He continues to threaten to do things to destroy me, accuses me of cheating and then goes to saying how he loves me. He then says he doesn’t care about me, but just Destin. Which I know is true and he never cared for me anyways so I’m not surprised or upset about that fact. I’m just observing and I’ve seen a change in his attitude from being hostile to calm to hostile again. He disappeared for 3 days leaving me here bleeding, stressed and with my 2 sons whom were very difficult to handle while on bedrest. That was very stressful for me and when I decide not to speak with him he’s going insane. That is how I felt and it was worse for me because of all the added stress besides him being MIA.

I just want to take care of my kids, move to Florida, finish school as a tecaher, grow in Christ, be truly happy and never see him again.