Yesterday was a really nice day, so I decided to take the boys to the Children’s Muesum because we had nothing to do. It was basically the last warm day this week, before this cuckoo weather started to change again    , so why not try to enjoy it?

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Yesterday was a very interesting day. It was full of revelation for me when it comes to a certain person in my family. I have been told things prior to yesterday from other people that were mutual friends of us in one point and time, but yesterday not only did I discover these things from 2 different people, the things that I was told were worse than I thought. When I think back at the incidences of the past related to this foul individual and how I stuck my neck out trying to protect her. Cursing people out in her defense and ready to got to war for her, I feel so stupid now because each time that I did it was because of the negative rumors she was spreading about me.

These people told me how this person has spread rumors to so many people making me out as the infinite whore of the Earth. On top of that she tells people I am an awful mother as well. I can’t believe I allowed this person to stand beside me in my wedding. This person wouldn’t even wear the dress I choose, but instead wore a horrible dress that was cheaper which did not work with her figure. She was the worst looking individual in my wedding party. Everyone looked better, and she looked like she didn’t even belong there. SMH. Ruined my wedding from her selfishness and on top of that she spreads more rumors about me than my worst enemy. I have never been around anyone in my life as fake as she.

I thought my baby father was a two-faced bastard, but man she’s won 1st place in that department. I have no idea how to deal with this situation. I want to disown her period. All that I have done for her and all she does is talk about me and everyone else in the entire family, but I am the one she talked about the worst of all.

I don’t even know if confronting her will be beneficial at all because it seems that my own parents are so caught up in the loop under her spell of deceit that no matter what I say, they will always be on her side. I am so hurt and angry. 2010 has become the year of learning the truth for me.

I know one thing, I will not continue to be the fool. What would you do if you were me? Any advice?

I hope everyone’s New Year’s Eve will be better than mine tonight. Brian and I planned on going to a New Year Gala on the Nautica to do something special to bring the New Year in and we invited my sister and her “male friend” to go with us. She said ok, but then stated she wanted to spend it with her son so we could use her car because she was going to stay home with him. Then all of a sudden, at the last minute she claimed she was going to pick up some hours from another store at work, so our transportation to and from the event is gone and thank God we didn’t purchase the tickets in advance because they are nonrefundable. I really do wish people would tell the truth. I would respect her more if she’d just say she is going to spend time with some random guy or something instead of lying. Anyways, do you have any New Years Resolutions? Honestly, I don’t. I’m never really good at keeping them, but I do have a few things that I’d like to change about myself:

I want to start praying more. I do not pray enough. Even if it’s just before I go to bed and at meal times, it’s not enough. I forget to pray at meal times a lot too. I want my relationship with God to be a strong or stronger than the bond I have with my own parents meaning talking to Him more and not only when I’m asking for something. I like to thank Him for all his blessings whenever I can.

I want to start reading the Bible more. I used to read the Bible heavily, but I haven’t been reading the Word as much as I used to. Even though I know quite a lot, there is still so much more yet to be learned. So much wisdom, knowledge and understanding to gain. How can I minister to anyone without the proper wisdom and understanding?

I want to let go of my old ways. When I say this, I mean habits that I have acquired from living my life. All my hardships have conditioned my mind to think a certain way. I sometimes feel alone in the world, like everything is on me and I am afraid to ask for anything because I’m always thinking it’s too much to ask for. I was with someone for almost a decade whom was extremely cheap, complained about spending money on our family, and complained about anything I asked for stating I was a “gold digger” so I learned to get everything myself. Now I am with someone whom wouldn’t mind buying that $25 conditioner I want to try, or those $1.49 butterfly clips and $3 Denman brush, but it’s hard for me to accept that because I’m so used to having to rely on myself. We can be in the store and despite how cheap something may be, I’d only ask for one thing and wait to get the other’s myself. If my children need something I stress myself to make sure they get it because that’s the way it’s always been.  I’m not used to anyone taking care of me. I’m used to paying half of all the bills and if I don’t have my half then I have to pay that person(my significant other) back when I get it. This is the way it was for me, and even though it may sound stupid to you that someone would ask the mother of their children to pay them back, it’s the reality of what happened. So my goal is to let go of this preconditioned way of thinking and enjoy my new life.

These are my goals for 2010 so far, there not resolutions, but goals I will try to meet. I may look over myself and find more things I’d like to change, but so far these are the things that I will start working on, starting today.

This post is going to be a bit of a rant so please brace yourself. I don’t like talking about this subject very much because just the idea of having to rely on this crap annoys me so much! What subject you ask? The subject of having to get any type of public assistance! The only assistance that I ask for is food-stamps and medical insurance so I can make sure my children don’t go hungry and that they are insured. If I could be free of having to be dependent on this I would be so happy. I do not like having to rely on the insurance or food-stamps from them because of the hassle. I don’t see how people can live off this crap all their lives and when people apply for cash benefits it’s even worse because they don’t give you enough to live off of and they expect you to work a full-time volunteer job. I’d rather work a real job, but even then, with the scarce positions out there you would be lucky to get one that pays enough to care for you family, pay all your bills, and offers health insurance without being so expensive that paying for it will break you resulting in you scraping for change to keep your lights on!

My complaints about public assistance:

You have no privacy what so ever. They want so much information, it’s ridiculous! They ask for more info, than what the government asks for to get a U.S. Passport! When you go for an appointment they ask for not only your driver’s license, employment info, and social security number, but they want to know your bank account information including account numbers and balances, marital status info. If you own a car they want to know the make, model, license plate number, how much the car is worth, insurance info, and if you are making payments how much. They want to know how much you are getting paid in child support if you are even getting it. They need to know who lives with you as well, even if they aren’t your children or spouse. If you get a new job they know it and then they begin calling and requesting all sorts of information about your job as well, but when you need their help, they won’t even return your phone calls.

They cut you off at anytime without any notification. What I mean by this is no matter if it’s their fault or yours they will terminate your benefits without notice. Perfect example: I moved and changed my address with the post office, I also told my previous caseworker in person that I was moving in the next week the last time I had an appointment. I continued to get mail at the old address so I called my caseworker and left a message telling her that I moved, (more…)

I’ve always believed that when you get a woman pregnant whether you are married to them or not, that if you fail to provide for your child and/or children that God frowned upon you. I believe that it is a sin to do that, because it is clearly wrong. I never found any passages in the Bible on the subject of being a “deadbeat” until now:

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timonthy 5:8

Now that I’ve read this, I know now that the father’s of my children will be judged  and punished for their actions. It makes me feel better about the situation of my children when I see that even God acknowledges it. Even though I am now married and I have a man that helps me with my children, I still remember the years when I didn’t have anyone, but myself and my own family to lean on. While I was working hard to make a way for myself and children, dealing with low paying-high labor jobs, dealing with Children & Families Services, dealing with child support and not getting any help at all. They were and still are only worried about providing for themselves, doing what they want whenever they want, and having a wonderful time only worrying about themselves.

I can’t even ask my eldest son’s father for a dime. I have to be really desperate to ask him for anything but when I did contact him on Facebook he reads my message and never responds. I’ve sent him messages prior not even asking for money and he treats me and my son like we don’t even exist.  He hasn’t seen my son for 5+ years and he won’t even acknowledge me, but proudly displays my sons name on his Facebook account like he’s such a great “dad”.

My youngest two father is so pathetic and it’s even shameful to think that I was with someone like him. He spends his time making Youtube video’s of skinny 18 year-old girls acting like groupies and whores. I think one of the girls are suppose to be his girlfriend. Mind you I am 26 years old, what do I look like hanging out with a bunch of 18 year old’s or having an 18 year old boyfriend? When I saw the videos I was ashamed and embarrassed to say the least. This is what I had children with and wasted 6+ years on? He claims he does all this for the boys but it doesn’t make sense. The boys will never benefit from it, only he is benefiting from entertaining his sick perversions for sex. It’s really sad and even though I will never regret having my children, I do regret having them with their father’s.

With all this said, I will never talk bad about their fathers to them. I believe that I really don’t have to say much because in the end actions speak louder than words, but with that said, this is exactly why Brian and I are preparing to have them adopted. Their father’s don’t care about their well-being, but my husband and I do and I believe adoption is the best option for them. We will no longer have to deal with child support, Supportkids, their father’s not providing for them, etc. Once my children and I are free of those deadbeats for good, it will be a day worth rejoicing.

I meant to post this yesterday, but I ended up at my Mom’s all day long writing out my thank you cards. I still haven’t sent them because now I have to take a trip to the Post Office and get a book of stamps. I will try to accomplish that on Monday.

Today was pretty much a low key day. I slept in because I was up very late last night and just took care of the boys. Tomorrow my hubby will be at work all day long, so I’ll be all alone, just the boys, my 2 fish, my kitten and me. *Sigh*…

I guess that’s the price of being a house wife.

Special thanks to Shannon for showing me this site. I hate Metacafe and I use my Youtube account for my hair site, Growblackhair.NET. Thanks Girl!

Today was a pretty busy day. I have so much to do now, since the wedding and honeymoon is out the way. I am currently sitting in front of a mound of dirty clothes. About 6 loads on the floor waiting to be washed, 2 loads downstairs being washed and dried, and 2 loads already completed. This is going to be a 2 day process.

Today started off slow because I was so tired due to the fact that Jeremiah is going through this stage where he gets up in the middle of the night and climbs in the bed with us. He sleeps rather wild, so it’s really hard to sleep next to the fact that Brian snores. I was totally exhausted in the morning.

When I finally pulled myself together we rushed to the bus stop to catch the bus to the mall. I put the boys on the Babies in Toyland train and purchased a pair of earrings to replace the ones I lost in the Bahamas. I then headed over to the bank and deposited some money in the ATM. I then went to the store to grab a few things for dinner and headed home.

Once we arrived home and put Jeremiah down for his nap, turned on Destin’s favorite movie and started on laundry and dinner. Tonight we ate my famous white chicken chili (Brian’s favorite). I am so tired right now…

Well, this entry is rather short because I don’t have enough energy to continue. I will fathom what energy I have left to dry and fold the last 2 loads I am washing tonight and start again tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Eternally-me.com is finally back online. I had to take my site down for a few months so I can focus on planning and preparing for my wedding which was a total dream come true! Everything was beautiful and so was our fabulous honeymoon in the Bahamas! Our wedding day went by so fast for something that took so long to prepare and plan for, but it isn’t about the wedding, but the lifetime commitment we made each other on that day that really matters. I still remember our wedding night, I was so exhausted, but I was so happy I couldn’t calm down and fall asleep. I’ve never been that happy in my life! The feeling is beyond explanation. If you want to see pictures of our beautiful wedding and honeymoon please visit our wedding site at SweetVanillaSugar.COM.

The next step is the adoption of the boys. Brian plans on adopting them as his own sons which I believe is the best choice for the boys. Their father’s aren’t doing anything for them what so ever, let alone trying to see them so I believe this is best. Our boys need a stable male figure in their life and they are blessed to have someone here that will actually be honored to take the job as “Daddy”.

In other news, Brian and I just took my Mom to Otani for dinner to thank her for all her support during the planning of our wedding. We both really love her and appreciate her and everything that she does. She really enjoyed it and we felt so good by returning the favor and showing her how grateful we are for all her help.

Well, it’s great to be back and non-stressed and rejuvenated. I can now focus on my new husband, my boys, my site GrowBlackHair.NET, furnishing our new home, and getting things prepared for the adoption of the boys!

I know I haven’t updated in a while, but I have been really busy at work. The last few weeks I’ve been working 5, even 6 day weeks at times. I’ve been so wrapped up with work, starting school, and trying to get things settled here in our new place.

I started the Art Institute of Pittsburg Online Division on Friday. I am really excited about starting school and I can’t wait to learn some new web-design skills so I can put them to use on my current sites and start on building my online portfolio. I am planning to finish school in 4 years with my BA in Interactive Media/Web-design and I can’t wait. One thing for certain I am not planning on staying in dried up Ohio after I finish school.

I am planning on moving again to a state that will allow me to find a job in this field and Ohio is not the place for it. I really regret moving back here and I wish things didn’t work out the way they did because it sucks here. It took me over 9 months to find a crappy ass job getting paid $8/hour. I’ve been working 5 and 6 days a week with no more than 28-34 hours per week. I don’t even bring home enough to get a car. I can’t keep doing this. Something’s got to give. I’ve also found out that there’s a hiring freeze with the city so I may not ever get that city job. Cleveland is not the place to be right now. It’s all dried up like a sponge left out in the sun. Speaking of sun when are we going to get some? It’s the middle of May and today it was 57 degrees. WTF?! I’m really missing Florida right now…

Yesterday Brian and I took the boys to T.G.I. Fridays for dinner. It was really nice to have dinner together. This was a really nice weekend. I didn’t have to work so I was able to spend all my time with the boys and Brian without any interruptions. Everything was great until I read some ignorant shit on my website which I won’t even give much attention to. I’m tired of people acting younger than their age. Hell I live with a bunch of immature grown people which is highly irritating.

I’ve also found some new sites that offer products geared towards caring for natural hair. It’s really excited going natural and discovering new products that are made for my hair. Yesterday I tried two strand twists for the first time (not the weave ones), instead of the usual TWA I’ve been wearing and it  looks nice. Very Afrocentric, but nice.

I knew it was coming… I was just waiting to see when. It never fails and I was only hoping that maybe my assumptions were wrong, but like always they are always right.

I had enough of the constant nit picking and rude and disresprectful way I’ve been getting treated for months. I can’t talk on the phone or have company over without being disrepected and embaressed by other people and their nasty attitudes. As I recall Wednesday I try to wonder if there was anything I did wrong to provoke what happened, but no matter how many times I rethink that day I can’t find one thing that I did wrong.

I woke up and took Elijah to school. I went back to sleep for about 2 hours and then I got up and got the boys dressed. My mom wanted to go to some premature babycare class with my sister and I had to go to work. She gave me a 2 day notice and expected to me to take the day off or make arrangements. I can’t take off of work at such short notice so I asked Brian if he’d watch the boys for me. I’d only be at work for 3 hours and he could take the boys to the library and then to the park while I was at work.

At 5:45pm I got off and Brian came down to the house with the boys, we went to the hair store so I could get some braid sheen spray and braiding hair. We then went home and no one was there. Around this time I was starving and I know the boys were hungry as well so I decided to order them some  pizza. I made Koolaid and gave the boys some pizza to eat and turned Yo Gabba Gabba on for them while I chilled with Brian and paticipated in a fashion show on SL. My mom and Elijah and my brother comes home soon after and this is when all the drama begins.

She asks me who watched the boys and when I told her she begins talking to me really nasty and making all kinds of nasty rude comments. I’m really at the point of explosion because I have to deal with this constantly on a daily basis. She then talks about throwing me and Elijahs cat out stating we don’t have to be there. I told her I don’t want to be here no way. She tells Brian to leave and her verbal attacks continue, my temper soars through the roof because after all the help I provide while no one else helps her I just can’t understand why I am always the one being treated disrepsectfully. She doesn’t treat anyone else like that, let alone treat there company like she treats mine.

She keeps saying that Brian is going to molest the kids and I’m just tired of her saying negative things about Brian, being compared to her mother, and I’m tired of her trying to act like I’m going to make all the mistakes her and her mother made. My mom has made some bad choices concerning me when I was small and when I brought it up she had the nerve to try to put the blame on me and attack me. I just tried to push her off of me and she began calling me names and telling me to get out. I began grabbing my things (whatever I could carry in my backpack) and she continued with her physical attacks when my brother grabbed her. While this is going on I’m am saying nothing more than “fuck you.” now- which I feel horrible about now. I just don’t understand how I can help out so much around the house and the thanks that I get is to be treated with no respect and told to get out. I will never understand that. I am now trying to figure out how I can get my own place quickly so I can get my sons and continue my life without all the added stress. Its really such a shame, but I knew it was coming.