I have been so busy. It seems like my hair website has become a full-time job and I’ve been working overtime in addition to my 40 hours a week! If I’m not doing that I’m on Craiglist looking for decent furniture or pricing nursery furniture and caring for the boys. I don’t even f ind time to update my blog anymore. I am so determined to make Growblackhair.NET a success as well as my haircare line that I will be launching soon. There have been times where I stayed up well after 5am, researching ingredients, prices, etc. Right now it’s after 4am. I was up again researching the prices of the ingredients I want to use, the costs of the packaging supplies, and other steps needed to take to make sure my grand opening runs smoothly.

I really don’t want to forget anything, but this child I’m carrying  makes me so forgetful at times, in addition to making my face breakout constantly. None of my boys ever did this! Speaking of my baby, we’ve come up with baby names! I’m not sharing them online just yet, but I am really happy with the female name I picked. It just came to me out of no where because for the life of me I couldn’t come up with not one idea. If this is a girl I don’t want the name to be common. Also I’ve run out of ideas for a boy seeing that I already have 3 so I left that up to Brian.

Anyways, back to my haircare line… I plan on launching my store in either July or September. Maybe I should wait until September when the baby is already born, but we will see. I just don’t want to launch it in July and when August comes, people’s orders are delayed due to me going into labor, staying at the hospital, and recovering from the birth. I may just wait until my birthday to launch the site now that I think about it because  I don’t know how successful the grand opening will be. I may sell all my inventory or I  may not sell a thing. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and pray on it. I’ve already figured out my starting capital for an inventory of about 30 items per product to start out. If I wait until September to launch I will have 90% of the starting capital just from my Google revenue alone if I continue to earn the consistent amounts I’ve been earning. That is why I always prewrite my articles to keep my site constantly updated. I plan on writing about a months worth of prewritten articles in August to cover me until October because of the baby and my hair product site. I just have to come up with some good ideas because I never write useless garbage on my site. I save that for my personal blog lol :lol:  .  Anyways enough of my rambling, I have an article idea and I must write it before I retire.

Well, I had my ultrasound at 21 weeks exactly on Friday. Everything went well and the baby is doing fine. He/She is so cute and tiny. His/Her hands were so small and so where the feet. I expected the feet and hands to be small, but he/she looked so small and dainty to me. I really hope that God answered my prayers and finally blessed me with a daughter because this is my final child. If my prayers are indeed answered that will be proof that he does hear and answer my prayers. Anyways, if it isn’t so then or well. I will still love and cherish my child regardless. It just will be a wonderful thing to be able to have a daughter and watch her grow up and become a woman of God. I refused to find out the gender to avoid any disappointment. I will like to enjoy my pregnancy without feeling a bit upset because my prayers weren’t answered.

I will update this post later with a few ultrasound pics real soon.

Anyways, I’ve been busy with my GrowBlackHair.NET site as usual. I plan on creating my own haircare line very soon as well. The first products I will offer will be my very own hair butter for twists, braids, and locks. A natural pomade which I have perfected YAY! A natural leave-in conditioner (Haven’t came up with a perfect concoction just yet.) I will also offer a sulfate free shampoo, clay based deep conditioner, moisturizing hair spray, and natural hair gel in the near future.

I don’t even know what to write about today. My back is aching so much right now. This pain just came over me all of a sudden and it feels like someone just took something and bashed me in the back. The pain intensifies when I bend and stretch. Just the slightest turn of my torso makes it hurt even more. As soon as I finish cooking dinner and bathing the boys I’m going to put the boys to bed and take a hydrocodene and take my ass to bed too.

Today was same ole, same ole, except the fact that I was able to borrow my sisters car while I was at work and went to sign up for the Civil Service Exam for a Cleveland Police Officer. This will be the second time I will be taking an exam this year. Hopefully this time around it will be worth my time because despite my efforts and high score on the last exam, no one ever called me for a job. Honestly I’m not even putting all my faith into it this go around. I’m at the point where I just don’t really give a fuck, but I’m really tired of working for scraps. I’m tired of not having enough, living paycheck to paycheck; Applying for loans because I don’t have enough just to be declined; Longing for things, but I can never get them; Wearing the same raggedy shoes I purchased last year; Washing the same 5 pairs of jeans over and over; Looking for a way out; Catching the bus; walking long distances; dreaming, wishing, hoping…. I’m just plain fucking tired of my situation and no matter how I strive to change it, it always seems like I end up right where I started with completely nothing, but fucking disappointments!!

Wow, I didn’t know this entry was going to become another one of my rants, but sometimes you just get tired of the same fuckin’ shit day, after day, after day!

I know I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been so busy. It seems like all I do is work and that’s going to have to come to a stop. I work 5 or 6 days a week, but I only get up to 28 hours per week. Now does that make any sense to you?! I also had an interview and I’ve already taken the drug tests and background tests for the position. I will be only working 3 days a week and I will get 36 hours per week qualifying me as full-time. The shifts are 12 hour shifts, but 6 of those hours are paid sleep time. As soon as I am told when orientation starts I will be notifying my current job that I may need to resign. I wanted to keep this job, but it really doesn’t make any sense to do so. It takes up all my time during the week and I have hardly anytime to be with my boys let alone complete any of my school assignments which will begin May 15th. My education comes first and I know this job isn’t going to take me anywhere. All it does is pay my phone bill, and give me money to get around and have a little fun. I can’t do anything big like move into an apartment, or get a car. I gave this a great deal of thought and I’ve decided that my current job is really too much of a strain for me.

The newest thing in my life is Brian and I finally got our own little spot. It’s not much, but it’s a temporary start. We are currently renting a room in a shared house until we both have the finacial assets to move into an actual apartment although we’ve been also talking about getting a house and maybe renting out half of it. With the Down Payment Assistance program and his military benefits we can have the boys and ourselves in a house. I can’t wait until something moves in our favor so we can start making some steps forward, but this is a start. We can both sleep peacefully, and I can use my computer without people trying to control what I do with it. I don’t have to listen to anyone bitching and complaining and neither does Brian. We finally have a little peace in our lives.

I am really nervous, but I have faith in Brian. I love him so dearly and I believe we can make this work as long as we work together. Brian is so different from what I’m used to. He’s so loving and caring and helpful. He doesn’t disrespect me he is completely perfect in my eyes. I can’t see anything wrong with him. He is completely perfect from every angle in my eyes and I thank God for giving me another chance with him.

Brian and I looked at a place today and we decided to take it. We gave them the security deposit and we will officially move in on Friday. I’m really excited but, worried too. One thing for sure is I am glad that there is no lease because I want to move into my own apartment soon. We only have a room to ourselves and the remainder of the house is shared with about 3 other guests. The house is also in the hood,but that isn’t what scares me…

 I am so scared because of everything I’ve been through in the past, but the thing that scares me the most is the fear of not having the money to pay my bills. When I lived in Florida this is something I went through and I was on the brink of being homeless. That was one of the most horrible, scary situations I’ve ever been in, in my 24 years on this earth. I was all alone in a state 1700+ miles away from anyone that gave a damn about me and I had no money, no job, and no way to support myself. I was so scared and no matter how hard I looked for employment I could never find it. I never want to relive that experience again.

I know that there’s a good chance that, that won’t happen again, but I am still afraid. After being through something as traumatic as that it’s hard to be trusting and let your guards down. I now know that things can happen, but I will try to have more faith in Brian as well as myself. I really hope we’ll be alright.

So how was everyone’s Thanksgiving?

Mine was kind of a drag because I regret not going to work and my mom stresses so much when it comes to holidays that I get stressed. Man I am not looking forward to Christmas. I don’t believe in it and I really don’t want to be stressed out about it unnecessarily– if that’s even an actual word.

Well I am in the process of trying to get my modeling career together. My family needs the money and this is something I really want to do. I believe I am talented, beautiful, and determined enough to succeed. I won a modeling/talent contract with Model Productions so I know I have what it takes! I just need to work towards it and stop procrastinating if I ever want to accomplish my goals.

I still will bartend, but modeling is going to be my main focus right now. I have my family here so babysitting won’t be an issue. It’s time for me to be happy. If I can’t be happy when it comes to having a loving relationship then I will just be happy with myself and my beautiful boys and my career.

Rizwan, thanks for your words of encouragement in the email you sent me. You really made my day.

Well I’m off to check my Google ads. The last time I checked I was at a little over $40 in earnings this month. So I’m surprised to see where I’m at now.

So I have a decision to make and I don’t know what I should do. I really want a front desk receptionist job that pays no less than $10/hourly. I have a couple things I want to accomplish and it takes money to accomplish these things.

• Move out into my own place.
• Get a used car
• Buy a new computer
• Furnish my apartment

I can’t do these things with low income! My mom said I should take the job so I won’t be sitting at home all day, but I don’t want to be working there just until something else comes up. I really want my next job to be semi-permanent. I don’t want to job hop! If I take the job at Fitworks I will start training on the 25th. I don’t know what I should do and I have until Monday to make my decision.

I’m going to pray on it and see what happens. That’s all I can do right now.