Yesterday was a really nice day, so I decided to take the boys to the Children’s Muesum because we had nothing to do. It was basically the last warm day this week, before this cuckoo weather started to change again    , so why not try to enjoy it?

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I’ve always believed that when you get a woman pregnant whether you are married to them or not, that if you fail to provide for your child and/or children that God frowned upon you. I believe that it is a sin to do that, because it is clearly wrong. I never found any passages in the Bible on the subject of being a “deadbeat” until now:

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timonthy 5:8

Now that I’ve read this, I know now that the father’s of my children will be judged  and punished for their actions. It makes me feel better about the situation of my children when I see that even God acknowledges it. Even though I am now married and I have a man that helps me with my children, I still remember the years when I didn’t have anyone, but myself and my own family to lean on. While I was working hard to make a way for myself and children, dealing with low paying-high labor jobs, dealing with Children & Families Services, dealing with child support and not getting any help at all. They were and still are only worried about providing for themselves, doing what they want whenever they want, and having a wonderful time only worrying about themselves.

I can’t even ask my eldest son’s father for a dime. I have to be really desperate to ask him for anything but when I did contact him on Facebook he reads my message and never responds. I’ve sent him messages prior not even asking for money and he treats me and my son like we don’t even exist.  He hasn’t seen my son for 5+ years and he won’t even acknowledge me, but proudly displays my sons name on his Facebook account like he’s such a great “dad”.

My youngest two father is so pathetic and it’s even shameful to think that I was with someone like him. He spends his time making Youtube video’s of skinny 18 year-old girls acting like groupies and whores. I think one of the girls are suppose to be his girlfriend. Mind you I am 26 years old, what do I look like hanging out with a bunch of 18 year old’s or having an 18 year old boyfriend? When I saw the videos I was ashamed and embarrassed to say the least. This is what I had children with and wasted 6+ years on? He claims he does all this for the boys but it doesn’t make sense. The boys will never benefit from it, only he is benefiting from entertaining his sick perversions for sex. It’s really sad and even though I will never regret having my children, I do regret having them with their father’s.

With all this said, I will never talk bad about their fathers to them. I believe that I really don’t have to say much because in the end actions speak louder than words, but with that said, this is exactly why Brian and I are preparing to have them adopted. Their father’s don’t care about their well-being, but my husband and I do and I believe adoption is the best option for them. We will no longer have to deal with child support, Supportkids, their father’s not providing for them, etc. Once my children and I are free of those deadbeats for good, it will be a day worth rejoicing.

Well for starters. I’ve added a neat little AJAX login to my blog so I can log in easier and so my guest can register and log in easily as well . I had a plugin installed that changed the WordPress logo to my logo on the original login page, but this plugin is even better. I hope you all find it as easy and as convenient as I have.

So referring to my blog title…

I find that at my current job(which I am quitting on August 21st), I am unusually angry by the things that I am required to do there. To help you understand, here is a typical day on the job:

I get to work at 8:30am, and the 2 special needs adults are both still asleep or awake. Their mother usually leaves as soon as I arrive unless she doesn’t have to work, in which she’ll leave later on in my shift to go shopping or something. Anyways, I wake them up at about 10am unless their already awake. – It’s their summer break and I feel that waking them up at 8:30am is ridiculous.

The next thing I do is prepare breakfast. I either make them cereal, toast, and milk, or hotcakes and bacon with milk or juice. While they are eating I administer their meds and then I clean up the kitchen. After breakfast I get them dressed. Sometimes I bathe her daughter so I can wash and style her hair.

Following breakfast, I do activities with them, or I allow them to watch TV or listen to music until 12:30pm. Around this time I prepare lunch for them. I then clean the kitchen again, make their beds, sometimes I have to put their clothes away and clean their rooms too. I also have to assist David in learning to tie his shoes and remind Danielle to go to the bathroom every hour. I then allow them to have some free time until my shift is complete.

It may sound simple, but dealing with 2 special needs adults can be very difficult because of the amount of patience it requires to deal with them. Sometimes I want to tear my hair out when David is humming or being unruly, or when Danielle is being stubborn, or vomiting everywhere. I also have to take a q-tip and clean out Danielle’s nose when it becomes clogged with mucus and boogers -  Yuck!

When I worked at night I basically came in and prepared a snack for them, did activities, fed them dinner, bathed them, and got them ready for bed. My best friend does this shift now until school starts again for them.

After a few months of this, especially when Summer came around, I found myself becoming downright angry with my job duties. I know it’s my job and I get paid to do it, but I feel like the things I’m doing for her kids, I should be doing for my own. I feel like I should be at home feeding my own kids, dressing my own kids, and doing activities with my own kids. I shouldn’t be spending my hard earned money taking her kids to Wendy’s and such while mine are in daycare or at home with Brian. Am I wrong for feeling angry?

I  feel like this job has been taking me away from my own responsibilities as a mother. Here I am basically being a mother to another woman’s children while my daycare is caring for mine.

Even the way their mom treats them angers me. She doesn’t spend any quality time with her children at all. It’s like we (the caregivers) are raising her children. She took fertility pills to conceive them because she wanted children so bad, so God gives her 2 special needs children that requires even more attention than normal children and she puts them off on an agency. Diane doesn’t spend time with them in the morning because she goes straight to work and when she gets home she puts them to bed. On her off day’s she leaves and goes shopping or gets her hair done, while the caregiver cares for her children. Even on Saturday she has help. Sunday is the only day Diane spends with her own children and judging from my experience there she spends approximately a total of 22 hours a week with her children if that!

I really think that’s fucked up. How can I go to the great lengths of using fertility meds to have children just to have someone else take care of them? Sounds crazy doesn’t it?

(more…)

It is 2:32 am and I am still up. Why? Well for starters I was chatting with Brian on IM, but the main reason is because I thought I finally had Jeremiah on a normal sleep schedule. I had him to bed at about 10pm but, he woke up an hour ago and has been up ever since. He’s currently watching Yo Gabba Gabba. I guess it was too good to be true when I thought he was finally going to go to bed at a decent hour. Tomorrow Today I’m going to wake him up at at least 9am so he can take a nap earlier and then go to bed earlier. I hope it works because I can’t keep having these late nights with little Jeremiah.

So my day was pretty boring… I planned on spending the whole entire day in the house because it’s been raining all day and I’m currently loving my wavy curls. I didn’t want them to get ruined.

My Heart

“What’s in my heart?” is what Brian asked me on IM. I was stumped on what I wanted to write about today so he suggested that.  I guess writing what is in my heart can be the topic for today.

I have so much in my heart I don’t think I can cover every topic contained there. Not in just one entry so what topic shall I discuss today…

Life. My life and what I want currently and in the near future. Have you ever sat down and thought about if you could actually have what you desired in life at that very moment what would it be? Really sit there and think about this question. What do you really want right now?

My answer is I would like to be finish with school and have a degree for web design and digital graphics. I would want to be married to Brian and I would also like to modeling. It has all always been a dream of mine. Modeling could be quite interes ting. Traveling to different places, meeting new people, being exposed to so many different things. I would like want to have the means to travel whenever I want. I would want to have my own house in a different warmer state other than Ohio. I would want my own car also…to be specific a black Catillac truck. I would want to have the means to be able to provide for my boys and buy them everything they need and even what they want. Not that I would spoil them, but I would want the means to do so. Sometimes I imagine winning the lottery and all these desires would be accomplished. My house would be a 5 bedroom house. They would have their own rooms professional painted by an artist according to what they’re into at the moment. Elijah would have a dinosaur theme, Destin – Spongebob, and Jeremiah – Yo Gabba Gabba.When it comes to fantasying about the home I want, I always find myself only thinking about what I would want for the boys. I seldomly think about my room or other parts of the house.

Well that’s all that really comes to mind right now when it comes to what I want right now materially. Emotionally, I would like to be understood, and loved. I would like to be respected by everyone including my family most of all. I would like to be free from constantly being reminded of the mistakes I’ve made in my past. I just want to have peace, harmony and balance.

Today I was so tired. I ended up going to Brian’s house and going to sleep. Jeremiah kept me up all night. He went to sleep around 3am and got up at 4am crying. I tried putting him to back to sleep by placing him on the couch with me, but Jeremiah is so darn difficult so I ended up putting him back on the love seat. I was up at 30 minute intervals with him and I believe I on only slept for maybe 2 hours at the most. I couldn’t function at all in the morning. I was moving so slow and Elijah ended up being late to school. I had to run for the bus which was right at the end of my street. Elijah had to walk most of he way to school on his own. Thankfully his school is only a 3-5 minute walk away. I was able to watch him walk to school from the bus and I then called 411 to connect me to his school, called his teacher’s room, and spoke to him myself to make sure he was okay. I felt so guilty leaving him. Next time I’ll just catch the next bus if I’m running late like that. I don’t like leaving my son like that. I walked to school on my own when I was 6, but I just really don’t feel comfortable allowing my own children to walk until they’re at least 8 or 9.

When I came home I worked on my math and talked to Brian on my cell. I was actually able to get Jeremiah to go to sleep by 11pm this time. That’s a big improvement from 3am, but I’m shooting for at least 9:30pm. He needs to learn how to go to sleep at a decent hour. It’s been really hectic with my sister and her new baby which was born early. It seems like I’m doing everything around the house, not that my sister ever helped much before he was born anyway.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to apply for another job downtown. It just isn’t much of anything in Ohio and I’m tired of going to school for different things just to have a job that I never actually get. I really have no idea what to do now and I’m starting to get really depressed. I don’t want to live here to much longer.

I haven’t done much today, but look after the boys and sleep and work on SweetVanillaSugar.COM a little. Today was very boring. I was so tired and I slept all the way to 2pm because Jeremiah kept me up all night. I don’t know why that little boy won’t go to sleep on time. I have to practically force him to go to sleep at night. I finally deleted my old blog on the 28th so it is officially no more. I also deleted my email address associated with that blog as well. It’s nice to have peace again. I was actually thinking about making a whole new layout for SweetVanillaSugar, but I’ve decided against it for now.

I spent the weekend with Brian. It was nice to be able to spend some time with him. I have been so wrapped up in everything here I found that I didn’t have much time for him and I had to squeeze in time to see him even for a few hours during the week. We didn’t do much, but cuddle and watch TV and talk. It’s amazing how much we love each other. I never loved any man as much as I love him.

I have to go to school tomorrow and I have so much math to catch up on it’s ridiculous. I really hope I can get all caught up over the spring break.

I haven’t been to see my nephew yet and a lot of it has to do with the issues with my sister. Her constantly creating unnecessary drama for me by lying on me in various cases and reading my blog just to create issues at home when I had my blog hosted at SweetVanillaSugar. The last time she did it she sent me a text message threatening to “whoop my ass”. I know she’s my sister and all, but being how I am I’m not going to take an ass beating off of no one. I haven’t spoke to her since she came back because I always find myself being the humble one even when she’s the one that’s wrong. That girl does not believe in apologizing if it was to save her life! I’m also tired of her only wanting me around as her last resort or using me for what little I do have. Quite frankly the way I feel right now, I wouldn’t care if we never spoke again.

I am so tired today so this won’t be a long post…

Jeremiah kept me up all night because he’s had a high fever and major congestion. I took him to the doctor this morning and they told me he has an upper respiratory infection so I had to get him son antibiotics and cold medicine. Poor baby.

Oh yeah and I got a phone today Yay! I ended up getting T-mobile.

I have a headache so I’m going to go get Elijah from school and then I’m going back to sleep.

Man I am so sore today. Yesterday I decided to be an idiot and try to imitate the guy from “Yo Gabba Gabba” when he kicks and claps his hands and in my attempt my feet went from beneath me and I flew up in the air and landed on my back. My head hit the carpet and everything. My sister and I laughed so hard because it was pretty darn goofy and my Mom just stared trying not to laugh at me and said “That’s what you get for trying to mark him.” At least Destin cared if I was okay. He came up to me and said “Mommy, are you okay?” He’s such a sweetheart. This morning I woke up with my neck all tight and my back is still sore. I’m glad my sister didn’t record that and add it to YouTube…that was so embarrassing!

Watch him kick his leg up in this video. It’s hilarious!

My boys are so intrigued with this show. Even Jeremiah, but after watching for the first time the bright colors, the techo like music, singing, even the guy in the bright orange suit makes you just love it!

I got back at 5:50pm yesterday and man was it chaotic toting a toddler, infant and a 5 year-old throughout the airport. I was again praying as we took off, but Elijah was amazed by the whole experience while Destin stuffed his face with cheese crackers and Jeremiah slept.

At least my Mom was able to help me when I was in Ohio, but when I got off the airplane I was chasing Destin throughout the terminal! We then spent 20 minutes searching for my car since I was in such a hurry when I left I only remembered what floor I parked on. After that I went back to the terminal, got our luggage and came home.

My mom was of coarse panicking because she expected me to call an hour ago so I had to call her and let her know we arrived safe and sound.

Well I have to go take Jeremy to work. Today is his first day. I also have tons of things to do today which I will talk about later. I also changed the layout again. As far as navigation goes the home page, pages page and my link-me page is located in my banner. Just rollover the 3 square pictures to access these pages. Enjoy!

I went into labor around 1am on August 27th, 2007, but I didn’t know if I was actually in labor or if it was false labor again so I ignored it.

That day I had just finished painting the front room with no help might I add…

I took a long shower and went to bed just to be troubled by no sleep from constant pain. I tossed and turned all night because I was having irregular contractions that were 10-20 minutes apart or more. I thought if I changed position it would stop hurting and I really didn’t want to wake anyone up for nothing.

Around 4 or 5am I couldn’t take it anymore. It seemed like it was hurting more than before so I called my sister and woke Jeremy up too. I then called my Midwife and as soon as I got off the phone with her the contractions were even more intense and were 5 minutes apart.

When Jeremy got me to the hospital I was in tears. I was breathing okay through the pain, but it just got so overwhelming and I didn’t think I could cope. My mom was waiting at the hospital for us and she told me to just breath because crying could interfere with labor.

I was admitted which seemed like forever after my mom cursed out the valet for refusing to park her car and was told that I was already 8cm! I was like “Oh Lord, please give me my epidural!”

Of course the epidural didn’t work because the attendee allowed a resident whom had no idea what the hell he was doing give me one. All that shit did was numb my legs. I still felt every contraction no matter how much medicine they gave me…now I know what natural birth feels like with the added paralysis…

Also after specifically saying “No Medical Students” in my birth plan a medical student still was there observing my birth. She did not ask me if it was okay because I would have said no, instead she introduced herself to me like that made it okay. I was extremely angry about that and told my Midwife and the nurse about how that made me feel when I said no. That really ruined my birthing experience big time.

After maybe 10 minutes of pushing I gave birth to my new son Jeremiah Samu`r (pronounced Sa Mar) at 10:01 am. He was 6 lbs 14oz and 18 3/4 in. long. He looks just like me when I was a baby, but he has Jeremy’s eyebrows and ears. He’s so adorable.

I couldn’t wait to come home after the birth. I was tired of constantly being woke up for vital signs and tests and people coming in to talk to me and poke at me and Jeremiah. I was so happy when I finally walked into my apartment even though I hate it here.

Well I’m about to go get some rest and hold Jeremiah.