Here’s a few pictures of Jeremiah’s party! As you can see, he was actually able to have his party.  For those of you that don’t know, I did not get my water broken on Friday…

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timonthy 5:8

Now that I’ve read this, I know now that the father’s of my children will be judged  and punished for their actions. It makes me feel better about the situation of my children when I see that even God acknowledges it. Even though I am now married and I have a man that helps me with my children, I still remember the years when I didn’t have anyone, but myself and my own family to lean on. While I was working hard to make a way for myself and children, dealing with low paying-high labor jobs, dealing with Children & Families Services, dealing with child support and not getting any help at all. They were and still are only worried about providing for themselves, doing what they want whenever they want, and having a wonderful time only worrying about themselves.

I can’t even ask my eldest son’s father for a dime. I have to be really desperate to ask him for anything but when I did contact him on Facebook he reads my message and never responds. I’ve sent him messages prior not even asking for money and he treats me and my son like we don’t even exist.  He hasn’t seen my son for 5+ years and he won’t even acknowledge me, but proudly displays my sons name on his Facebook account like he’s such a great “dad”.

My youngest two father is so pathetic and it’s even shameful to think that I was with someone like him. He spends his time making Youtube video’s of skinny 18 year-old girls acting like groupies and whores. I think one of the girls are suppose to be his girlfriend. Mind you I am 26 years old, what do I look like hanging out with a bunch of 18 year old’s or having an 18 year old boyfriend? When I saw the videos I was ashamed and embarrassed to say the least. This is what I had children with and wasted 6+ years on? He claims he does all this for the boys but it doesn’t make sense. The boys will never benefit from it, only he is benefiting from entertaining his sick perversions for sex. It’s really sad and even though I will never regret having my children, I do regret having them with their father’s.

With all this said, I will never talk bad about their fathers to them. I believe that I really don’t have to say much because in the end actions speak louder than words, but with that said, this is exactly why Brian and I are preparing to have them adopted. Their father’s don’t care about their well-being, but my husband and I do and I believe adoption is the best option for them. We will no longer have to deal with child support, Supportkids, their father’s not providing for them, etc. Once my children and I are free of those deadbeats for good, it will be a day worth rejoicing.

So referring to my blog title…

I find that at my current job(which I am quitting on August 21st), I am unusually angry by the things that I am required to do there. To help you understand, here is a typical day on the job:

I get to work at 8:30am, and the 2 special needs adults are both still asleep or awake. Their mother usually leaves as soon as I arrive unless she doesn’t have to work, in which she’ll leave later on in my shift to go shopping or something. Anyways, I wake them up at about 10am unless their already awake. – It’s their summer break and I feel that waking them up at 8:30am is ridiculous.

The next thing I do is prepare breakfast. I either make them cereal, toast, and milk, or hotcakes and bacon with milk or juice. While they are eating I administer their meds and then I clean up the kitchen. After breakfast I get them dressed. Sometimes I bathe her daughter so I can wash and style her hair.

Following breakfast, I do activities with them, or I allow them to watch TV or listen to music until 12:30pm. Around this time I prepare lunch for them. I then clean the kitchen again, make their beds, sometimes I have to put their clothes away and clean their rooms too. I also have to assist David in learning to tie his shoes and remind Danielle to go to the bathroom every hour. I then allow them to have some free time until my shift is complete.

It may sound simple, but dealing with 2 special needs adults can be very difficult because of the amount of patience it requires to deal with them. Sometimes I want to tear my hair out when David is humming or being unruly, or when Danielle is being stubborn, or vomiting everywhere. I also have to take a q-tip and clean out Danielle’s nose when it becomes clogged with mucus and boogers -  Yuck!

When I worked at night I basically came in and prepared a snack for them, did activities, fed them dinner, bathed them, and got them ready for bed. My best friend does this shift now until school starts again for them.

After a few months of this, especially when Summer came around, I found myself becoming downright angry with my job duties. I know it’s my job and I get paid to do it, but I feel like the things I’m doing for her kids, I should be doing for my own. I feel like I should be at home feeding my own kids, dressing my own kids, and doing activities with my own kids. I shouldn’t be spending my hard earned money taking her kids to Wendy’s and such while mine are in daycare or at home with Brian. Am I wrong for feeling angry?

I  feel like this job has been taking me away from my own responsibilities as a mother. Here I am basically being a mother to another woman’s children while my daycare is caring for mine.

Even the way their mom treats them angers me. She doesn’t spend any quality time with her children at all. It’s like we (the caregivers) are raising her children. She took fertility pills to conceive them because she wanted children so bad, so God gives her 2 special needs children that requires even more attention than normal children and she puts them off on an agency. Diane doesn’t spend time with them in the morning because she goes straight to work and when she gets home she puts them to bed. On her off day’s she leaves and goes shopping or gets her hair done, while the caregiver cares for her children. Even on Saturday she has help. Sunday is the only day Diane spends with her own children and judging from my experience there she spends approximately a total of 22 hours a week with her children if that!

I really think that’s fucked up. How can I go to the great lengths of using fertility meds to have children just to have someone else take care of them? Sounds crazy doesn’t it?

On top of that she nit picks like crazy. If you don’t put a brush back where it was by accident, or if you don’t put away dishes you used to cook for her children. She even complained about my method of sweeping her kitchen floor. I wanted to cursed her out when she came at me with that one.

There was even a time when she had the nerve to say to me how she has to deal with her kids 24/7 while I can go home to my normal kids because this is just a job and it’s permanent for her. I could not believe what I was hearing! She was actually saying in so many words how she resents her own children! On top of that she was in error when she said she deals with them 24/7.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it or not, but I feel like I’ve put this job over my own children. I’m not getting compensated for it properly and I’m there all the time. I’d rather be at home doing the things that I do for her kids for my own instead. At least there is a reward in that: The opportunity to watch my children grow up and nuture them like God intended me to.

So my day was pretty boring… I planned on spending the whole entire day in the house because it’s been raining all day and I’m currently loving my wavy curls. I didn’t want them to get ruined.

My Heart

“What’s in my heart?” is what Brian asked me on IM. I was stumped on what I wanted to write about today so he suggested that.  I guess writing what is in my heart can be the topic for today.

I have so much in my heart I don’t think I can cover every topic contained there. Not in just one entry so what topic shall I discuss today…

Life. My life and what I want currently and in the near future. Have you ever sat down and thought about if you could actually have what you desired in life at that very moment what would it be? Really sit there and think about this question. What do you really want right now?

My answer is I would like to be finish with school and have a degree for web design and digital graphics. I would want to be married to Brian and I would also like to modeling. It has all always been a dream of mine. Modeling could be quite interes ting. Traveling to different places, meeting new people, being exposed to so many different things. I would like want to have the means to travel whenever I want. I would want to have my own house in a different warmer state other than Ohio. I would want my own car also…to be specific a black Catillac truck. I would want to have the means to be able to provide for my boys and buy them everything they need and even what they want. Not that I would spoil them, but I would want the means to do so. Sometimes I imagine winning the lottery and all these desires would be accomplished. My house would be a 5 bedroom house. They would have their own rooms professional painted by an artist according to what they’re into at the moment. Elijah would have a dinosaur theme, Destin – Spongebob, and Jeremiah – Yo Gabba Gabba.When it comes to fantasying about the home I want, I always find myself only thinking about what I would want for the boys. I seldomly think about my room or other parts of the house.

Well that’s all that really comes to mind right now when it comes to what I want right now materially. Emotionally, I would like to be understood, and loved. I would like to be respected by everyone including my family most of all. I would like to be free from constantly being reminded of the mistakes I’ve made in my past. I just want to have peace, harmony and balance.