I had a job interview for a third shift weekend position the other day. It went pretty well. All I have to do now is wait on them to run my drivers license and then call me in for my finger prints. This will be the extra money I need to help me pay the bills. I plan on getting all the utilities switched over to my name once I get my first paycheck. I will then see if I can have Brian removed from the lease so I won’t have to worry about being bothered with him any longer. I also asked the landlord a few weeks ago to have the security system installed. I’m going to be calling him on Monday to follow up with that. I need to call the city prosecutor on Monday too, to see if they’ve received the case I filed a few weeks ago for Brian stealing my computer since has yet to return it. I don’t even want it anymore because no telling what he did to it, instead he can be prosecuted and sued for the value of it.

I haven’t done anything to him at all, but he steals from me and every time I speak to him he is very hostile making my blood pressure go up regardless of how much I try to remain calm. I really don’t want anymore drama. I just want to go to court get a divorce and move on with my life, but I’m sure like always, he’s going to make it difficult. He really acts like I’ve done something wrong to him, when in reality I was a good wife and I didn’t deserve to be dragged into a deceitful relationship. I also discovered he was telling his aunts that I neither cook nor clean. He is such a liar. Even the food they sent him home with he threw away because he prefers to eat slop. Anyways, I don’t really care what THEY think about me. He is their nephew so they are going to take his word for it no matter how much of a lie it is so I honestly can careless. I’m glad that this marriage has come to a end. The last six months was hell.

What’s so funny is all this time I was thinking that my unborn child was the reason why my face was breaking out so bad. My face is still breaking out mildly, but I haven’t been getting those really bad pimples that don’t go away and appear daily since Brian has been gone. I guess you can say the stress from his mere presence was causing the breakouts. My mom kept saying it was stress, but I blamed it on the baby until now. Every since he left, things have been looking up for me. I now have my own vehicle, the house is furnished, I’m talking to old friends again, I’m not sleeping on the floor anymore, the house is clean, and I can cook whatever I want and actually make Koolaid AGAIN…LOL. I don’t have to worry about some selfish person drinking the entire pitcher of Koolaid up once I make it. I’m sure more good things will come my way. All I have to do is continue to focus on God.

Well, this post isn’t going to be very long. I have to go home and fix dinner for the boys, bathe them, and put them to bed.

Goodnight.

I don’t even know what to write about today. My back is aching so much right now. This pain just came over me all of a sudden and it feels like someone just took something and bashed me in the back. The pain intensifies when I bend and stretch. Just the slightest turn of my torso makes it hurt even more. As soon as I finish cooking dinner and bathing the boys I’m going to put the boys to bed and take a hydrocodene and take my ass to bed too.

Today was same ole, same ole, except the fact that I was able to borrow my sisters car while I was at work and went to sign up for the Civil Service Exam for a Cleveland Police Officer. This will be the second time I will be taking an exam this year. Hopefully this time around it will be worth my time because despite my efforts and high score on the last exam, no one ever called me for a job. Honestly I’m not even putting all my faith into it this go around. I’m at the point where I just don’t really give a fuck, but I’m really tired of working for scraps. I’m tired of not having enough, living paycheck to paycheck; Applying for loans because I don’t have enough just to be declined; Longing for things, but I can never get them; Wearing the same raggedy shoes I purchased last year; Washing the same 5 pairs of jeans over and over; Looking for a way out; Catching the bus; walking long distances; dreaming, wishing, hoping…. I’m just plain fucking tired of my situation and no matter how I strive to change it, it always seems like I end up right where I started with completely nothing, but fucking disappointments!!

Wow, I didn’t know this entry was going to become another one of my rants, but sometimes you just get tired of the same fuckin’ shit day, after day, after day!

I went to my job interview today and everything went well. I dressed up for an “interview” unlike the other girl that was there, whom had on a pair of jeans and tennis shoes. I wanted 3rd shift, but they sounded like they were trying to offer me a part-time first shift position. I really want to be working full-time because I really need the money to move out. It’s always something here because I gave my mom my food-stamp card to help with groceries and now she’s asking me for $70 for the electric bill claiming I’ve made the bill high because of my lab top usage and it’s about to get disconnected. I know that isn’t true. I’ve only had my lab top since February and when I lived on my own and had a desktop computer, my pc never caused my electric to be high and I left my pc on all night and day. I don’t understand why she can’t ask my Dad because I don’t have a job at all and the money that I have saved is for my phone bill and to get to and from school, etc. I would feel really stupid taking the sacrifice of giving her the money and when it’s time for me to go to work she refuses to take me. I really hope I get this job, I’m tired of looking.

I’ve made some changes to the site over the course of the last few days. I changed my default smilies to these cute, white, puff-like smilies and I changed the comment’s plugin as well as added some new features to the site. I was using Sexy Comments, but it seems like when I activated Commentluv it caused Sexy Comments to malfunction. When I clicked on the “Reply” link it wouldn’t copy the comment into the comment form. Instead it would display the word “null“. I then decided to deactivate Commentluv and it didn’t help. Next I reinstalled Sexy Comments with Commentluv still disabled and it still didn’t work so I ended up installing Ajax-Reply-Comments which works like a charm and is compatible with the Commentluv plugin.

Man I am so tired. I’ve felt myself almost doze off twice already and I’ve been fighting my sleep all day. I’m going to try to call it a night.

Today is Elijah’s 7th birthday so I’ve  been in the process of planning Elijah’s birthday party which will be on Saturday at the museum. The party will then meet back here for cake, ice cream, and a light meal. It’s going to be a dinosaur themed party and the museum will not only be fun, but it will be educational as well. I really hope this party goes as planned because I’ve been disappointed in the past when it comes to people not showing up. I don’t like spending loads of money on a party and making a big effort to show everyone a good time just for my son to be stood up. Speaking of Elijah’s birthday, Brian is supposed to be coming by to go with me to the party store to purchase some party decor for Elijah’s party on Saturday. He also wants to spend some time with the boys. I really hope they have the decor I’m looking for because I can’t really afford to spend $70 on party decor right now giving the fact that I’m currently unemployed.

I finally got an interview at a place working with people with developmental disabilities all the way across town. It’s a third shift position which is perfect for me. I really hope I get hired there. I’m tired of looking for a job and if I have to catch the bus all the way across town then so be it. I have to go there on Thursday and give them all my information so hopefully everything will work out the way I would like it to.

I also saw The move the Last House on the Left this weekend with my best friend Tenisha. I liked the movie and I didn’t like the movie because I don’t like movies containing sexual abuse, but I loved to watch a movie where someone actually got what was coming to them for once. I was under the impression that this movie was going to be scary because that’s what Tenisha said, but I found it to be amusing as well as a little sick and twisted.

Today I spent the whole day with Brian. I planned on spending Tuesday, Thursday and Friday with him during my Spring break and the rest of the week and weekend with my boys. I got my ass beat by him on Soul Caliber III which was shocking because I’m usually very good at the game. I really don’t know what happened with that?

I also went to see my nephew yesterday. He is so tiny compared to my children when they were born. He is supposed to remain in the hospital until May. I really hope God blesses me with a job soon so I can make preparations to move out of here before he comes home. There’s not very much room here in this house and I’m growing weary of living like this. If nothing happens for me I’m going to put off my web-design dreams and go to school for STNA and try to get a job in that field. I’ll give Ohio 90 days after my initial job search and if all else fails I’m out of here. I’m tired of Ohio’s economy. I’ve been here for about 8 months and I’ve yet to gain employment anywhere. The pickings are slim for things that I”m qualified for and for the jobs that I am qualified for I don’t even get any call backs. I wonder if that place I went to last week is going to even call me back. What can I be doing wrong? Why can’t I find a job?!

Well it’s late. I’m going to apply for one more job and then go to bed.

J-O-B is the word of the day…

I find that it is rather difficult to cover much ground when I’m on the bus because I was only able to go to one place today before having to make my way back to pick Elijah up from school. I asked Brian if he would accompany me last night because I really didn’t know where I was going and I did not want to get lost. We decided to meet up at Starbucks where I purchased a delicious soy white chocolate mocha and 3 vanilla bean scones. While I was sitting in front of the fireplace waiting on Brian to arrive, my older brother started to text me questioning me why I didn’t go see my sister’s baby. I didn’t really feel like entertaining that subject so I just texted him back saying that we aren’t on speaking terms and I haven’t had a chance to go yet. He continued to prode me, but I still didn’t go into great detail of the incident because I didn’t want my day ruined by B.B.S. (Basic Bull Shit). He continued to text me and when I gave him a generalized explanation of what happened, basically stating that my sister goes to my blog reads it to purposely create drama and then she lies on me or to me to create issues. He then began attacking me and my blog asking for the blog URL etc. I refused and he continued to try to flip the situation on me like everyone else in this family does when an issue is at hand involving me. I’m always the one everyone is against. There is no fuckin way in hell I am wrong every single time! Once he started doing that I told him I was done talking about it because he’s acting like everyone else in this family. He text me 11 more times and I didn’t respond or even read the messages. I was so angry I wanted to scream and cry and punch the wall all at the same time. I really hope I get a job very very soon. Like this month…no this week !

When I got home I took the boys to the mall to buy Elijah some shoes and I ended up getting a digital camera as well. After leaving the mall and arriving home what am I welcomed to? A sign on the refrigerator stating for me not record anything on the DVR if I can’t pay the bill. Honestly, I don’t have a problem with it, but leaving nasty notes and such is just plain annoying! It seems like my family just finds things to nit pick at me about. I am beginning to believe that they can and will never be satisfied no matter what I do.  They will always have something to complain about.

To make matters worse my Mom comes in the house 15 minutes later with a straight attitute, slamming the door and kicking everyones shoes around. She then walked up to Elijah asking him “What’s your daddy’s name?” while Brian is sitting in the other room. Of course we both heard her and I thought that was really stupid and immature. What are you really trying to imply here? I finally have someone that not only wants to be a part of my life, but my boys life as well and it seems like you are so against the whole idea of us being truly happy. I don’t know why she’d rather me be miserable or why she is so fuckin negative.

Today I was so tired. I ended up going to Brian’s house and going to sleep. Jeremiah kept me up all night. He went to sleep around 3am and got up at 4am crying. I tried putting him to back to sleep by placing him on the couch with me, but Jeremiah is so darn difficult so I ended up putting him back on the love seat. I was up at 30 minute intervals with him and I believe I on only slept for maybe 2 hours at the most. I couldn’t function at all in the morning. I was moving so slow and Elijah ended up being late to school. I had to run for the bus which was right at the end of my street. Elijah had to walk most of he way to school on his own. Thankfully his school is only a 3-5 minute walk away. I was able to watch him walk to school from the bus and I then called 411 to connect me to his school, called his teacher’s room, and spoke to him myself to make sure he was okay. I felt so guilty leaving him. Next time I’ll just catch the next bus if I’m running late like that. I don’t like leaving my son like that. I walked to school on my own when I was 6, but I just really don’t feel comfortable allowing my own children to walk until they’re at least 8 or 9.

When I came home I worked on my math and talked to Brian on my cell. I was actually able to get Jeremiah to go to sleep by 11pm this time. That’s a big improvement from 3am, but I’m shooting for at least 9:30pm. He needs to learn how to go to sleep at a decent hour. It’s been really hectic with my sister and her new baby which was born early. It seems like I’m doing everything around the house, not that my sister ever helped much before he was born anyway.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to apply for another job downtown. It just isn’t much of anything in Ohio and I’m tired of going to school for different things just to have a job that I never actually get. I really have no idea what to do now and I’m starting to get really depressed. I don’t want to live here to much longer.

Today I went to take my civil service exam. I’ve been praying that I get one of the highest scores on the exam and I was so nervous when I went because I had no idea what was going to be on the test. It’s really weird to take a test that you don’t prepare for. As I waited in the room filled with tables with people sitting at almost every table. I estimated that it was about 20 people there taking the same exam I started to wonder if there was a position for all of us. I thought to myself that these were people I had to compete with for this job and I knew I needed to get a really high score to be one of the lucky people picked for the job.

The supervisor over the man that gave the test came in to answer questions and it was to my understanding that taking the exam and getting a high score didn’t guarantee employment. The civil service exam announcement didn’t really mean that the positions were actually available so it really isn’t a guarantee that I will even get a job. Even after all I’ve gone through just to take the test! That broke my spirits because I felt like I was probably wasting my time, but it’s still a chance so I decided to do the best I could possibly do on the test.

As we began to take the test I found that the test was one of the easiest tests I’ve ever taken. The first 30 questions or so were basically reading comprehension. There were a few questions about proper use of vocabulary and on driving. I’m pretty sure I got almost all the questions right. I’m confident that my score will be in the 90′s if not 100%.

After the test I was in a pretty good mood so I went to Tower city and did some very light shopping because I don’t have a lot of clothes right now. I purchased a pink hoodie, 2 bra tanks, and a black knit shirt off the clearance rack at the Rave. I then went into Rainbows and purchased 2 green tops and a beautiful green scarf. I decided that was enough so on my way to the rapid I grabbed a Cinnabon to eat and go on the train.

[Private Content Removed - Please Login to View]

I really hope that the city is hiring and this wasn’t all for nothing. I tired of living like this. The money that I have now isn’t going to last forever.

Today has been a wonderful and uneventful day for me. I finished filing my taxes today, worked on my website and talked to Brian. It’s nice just to be without drama and irritation and so far so good.

I’ve been really thinking about leaving Ohio because I’ve been here for 6 months and I haven’t been able to attain consistant work. If it wasn’t for me being in school right now I’d probably be on the first bus out of here to try to attain work in a different state. It’s too cold to do a lot of job hunting on the bus and the job pickings a really slim in Ohio. I wouldn’t recommend any one to move here because it can’t get any worse than here. I’ve never been without a job for this long and it is rather discouraging to say the least. Sometimes I wonder why even try?

I haven’t heard from the city or Koinonia Homes. I went to a home health aid place a week ago and I’m still waiting on a reply. I have one last option and if this fails then I am totally done with Ohio. I plan on taking a STNA course in May or June and I will try to gain employment in that field. If that fails me then I will no longer remain here in Ohio…

Today I found out that I was approved for a federal pell grant. I am so happy now because I can finally purchase my books so I can actually do my work. I have 2 weeks to catch up on my math. So as soon as I purchase my books I’m going to work my ass off to catch up on the math assignments.

I went to Koinonia Homes today to try to get hired back. I was told that I could always come back if I wanted to because I never left on bad terms so hopefully they will hire me back. I really hope so because at this point it doesn’t seem like there is anything else left when it comes to decent jobs in Ohio and I don’t know how much more I can take of my parents nonsense. I can’t even get a ride home from school without them complaining about it. Sometimes I grow tired of even discussing how they mistreat me so. It is pointless and talking to them doesn’t change a thing. I really hope God blesses me with a job very very soon so I can move out.

I applied for a job with the city in November and it was my understanding that if I didn’t get hired that they would refund me my $10 that I paid for the application. I’m still waiting to hear from them. That would be great to get a job with them because it’s $14 an hour and since my family are so inconsiderate about allowing me to use a vehicle or even get a ride I can just take the bus until I make enough to get myself a car.

I have something to be happy about today though! I have money for school now. I don’t have to drop out!! I’m going to work my ass off and try to make this count for something. I want to do web-design because I love it and if I can get a job doing something along that line I will not only be well off, but I will be happy too because it’s something that I’m good at.