I know I haven’t written anything in here in a while, but besides the obvious(not having a PC), I’ve been at work all week. Today is actually my first off day since Sunday, and I will NEVER work 5 straight days in a row(especially 3-11pm) again while I’m pregnant. I am so drained right now and I thought last night was going to be an easy one given the fact that we aren’t supposed to get anyone up on the weekend, but low and behold, the night shift supervisor had a list of extra things to do. It was already bad enough that I had the hardest chore given to me last night, which is to clean and disinfect 4 bathrooms and the laundry room. We then had to wake up 10 elderly developmentally disabled adults and have them go in the restroom for a tornado drill at 12:30am. Naturally they weren’t very happy about that at all. On top of that, she also wanted us to clean out the garage. As soon as I was able to sit down for a few minutes, once I was done with the bathrooms now my co-workers want me to get up and help clean out the garage! I know I’m not going to make it to August 27th, with this baby…

I’ve been very uncomfortable lately regarding my pregnancy. I’ve been having contractions which I guess to be Braxton Hicks contractions. They have been quite painful like a level or 2 above a menstrual cramp. I’ve also been having a load of pressure and sometimes, it hurts just from the baby moving. I can’t wait for this pregnancy to end. I’m tired of being uncomfortable and I can’t stand not having my old figure! I’m used to a flat tummy, smaller breasts, and smaller hips. This is not working for me at all and sometimes I feel so discouraged, nasty, and ugly at times no matter how much people tell me that I’m pretty. I just don’t feel it. I had to spend my entire summer like this, unable to do much of anything fun other than catch a few movies and lunch or dinner somewhere, but as far as enjoying the other festivities of the summer I missed out. Never again. I’ve decided that I am going to get either my tubes tied or the Paraguard IUD until I go into menopause. I will no longer sacrifice my body and life to carry a child for some asshole.

The last few weeks have been a bit scary regarding my pregnancy. I’ve been very uncomfortable and I’ve been also experiencing symptoms that I did not expect to happen until at least 2 weeks into August. With it still being June, this is not good.

I’ve been having a lot of pelvic pressure lately. I figured it was normal, since this is my 4th child, so maybe my pelvic muscles are more lax, but the pressure can be very unbearable and cause me to not be able to move. I also experienced the lost of my mucus plug last week. This is not a good sign at all. The final straw for me was the morning of my monthly exam, my belly looked different. It seemed like my baby dropped(not a good sign this early in subsequent pregnancies). My belly wasn’t poking out as much, instead it was a lot lower than before. Even though my child can still reach his/her feet into my ribs, everyone can definitely see that my belly has changed.

When I went in to the doctor I told her my symptoms and she tested me for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea which came back negative. She also gave me a test called fetal-fibronectin, this test is suppose to let the doctor know if I am at risk for going into preterm labor. I was also put on a monitor to see if I was contracting because if so the midwife wanted me to get a steroid injection(a series of 2). I was so sure everything was going to be fine the other day, and the test would come back negative. My friend was with me during everything. He is really a good friend. It’s funny, even though we are just friends and this is not his child, he has shown more support than my sorry excuse for a husband. He’s been to my last two appointments and with me when I had to get my steroid shots. All I can do is frown upon Brian and his incompetence and lack of concern. There is a Bible verse about men like him, so he will pay for what he has done eventually.

I’ve went over all the factors that may be the cause of what is going on right now and the only thing I can blame it on is stress. Brian stressed me out throughout the entire marriage as well as my first 6-7 months of pregnancy by the things he did as well as his destructive actions of abandoning me. As a result I was forced to get a job in my final trimester of pregnancy as well as the whole divorce situation. I blame him for all of this. I also blame myself for being blind to the type of man he really was. I really hope my child doesn’t come early. I don’t need the added stress and I really need to work as much as I can so I can provide for my family before having this child.

If you are reading this, please keep me and my unborn child in your prayers…

I had a job interview for a third shift weekend position the other day. It went pretty well. All I have to do now is wait on them to run my drivers license and then call me in for my finger prints. This will be the extra money I need to help me pay the bills. I plan on getting all the utilities switched over to my name once I get my first paycheck. I will then see if I can have Brian removed from the lease so I won’t have to worry about being bothered with him any longer. I also asked the landlord a few weeks ago to have the security system installed. I’m going to be calling him on Monday to follow up with that. I need to call the city prosecutor on Monday too, to see if they’ve received the case I filed a few weeks ago for Brian stealing my computer since has yet to return it. I don’t even want it anymore because no telling what he did to it, instead he can be prosecuted and sued for the value of it.

I haven’t done anything to him at all, but he steals from me and every time I speak to him he is very hostile making my blood pressure go up regardless of how much I try to remain calm. I really don’t want anymore drama. I just want to go to court get a divorce and move on with my life, but I’m sure like always, he’s going to make it difficult. He really acts like I’ve done something wrong to him, when in reality I was a good wife and I didn’t deserve to be dragged into a deceitful relationship. I also discovered he was telling his aunts that I neither cook nor clean. He is such a liar. Even the food they sent him home with he threw away because he prefers to eat slop. Anyways, I don’t really care what THEY think about me. He is their nephew so they are going to take his word for it no matter how much of a lie it is so I honestly can careless. I’m glad that this marriage has come to a end. The last six months was hell.

What’s so funny is all this time I was thinking that my unborn child was the reason why my face was breaking out so bad. My face is still breaking out mildly, but I haven’t been getting those really bad pimples that don’t go away and appear daily since Brian has been gone. I guess you can say the stress from his mere presence was causing the breakouts. My mom kept saying it was stress, but I blamed it on the baby until now. Every since he left, things have been looking up for me. I now have my own vehicle, the house is furnished, I’m talking to old friends again, I’m not sleeping on the floor anymore, the house is clean, and I can cook whatever I want and actually make Koolaid AGAIN…LOL. I don’t have to worry about some selfish person drinking the entire pitcher of Koolaid up once I make it. I’m sure more good things will come my way. All I have to do is continue to focus on God.

Well, this post isn’t going to be very long. I have to go home and fix dinner for the boys, bathe them, and put them to bed.

Goodnight.

I have been so busy. It seems like my hair website has become a full-time job and I’ve been working overtime in addition to my 40 hours a week! If I’m not doing that I’m on Craiglist looking for decent furniture or pricing nursery furniture and caring for the boys. I don’t even f ind time to update my blog anymore. I am so determined to make Growblackhair.NET a success as well as my haircare line that I will be launching soon. There have been times where I stayed up well after 5am, researching ingredients, prices, etc. Right now it’s after 4am. I was up again researching the prices of the ingredients I want to use, the costs of the packaging supplies, and other steps needed to take to make sure my grand opening runs smoothly.

I really don’t want to forget anything, but this child I’m carrying  makes me so forgetful at times, in addition to making my face breakout constantly. None of my boys ever did this! Speaking of my baby, we’ve come up with baby names! I’m not sharing them online just yet, but I am really happy with the female name I picked. It just came to me out of no where because for the life of me I couldn’t come up with not one idea. If this is a girl I don’t want the name to be common. Also I’ve run out of ideas for a boy seeing that I already have 3 so I left that up to Brian.

Anyways, back to my haircare line… I plan on launching my store in either July or September. Maybe I should wait until September when the baby is already born, but we will see. I just don’t want to launch it in July and when August comes, people’s orders are delayed due to me going into labor, staying at the hospital, and recovering from the birth. I may just wait until my birthday to launch the site now that I think about it because  I don’t know how successful the grand opening will be. I may sell all my inventory or I  may not sell a thing. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and pray on it. I’ve already figured out my starting capital for an inventory of about 30 items per product to start out. If I wait until September to launch I will have 90% of the starting capital just from my Google revenue alone if I continue to earn the consistent amounts I’ve been earning. That is why I always prewrite my articles to keep my site constantly updated. I plan on writing about a months worth of prewritten articles in August to cover me until October because of the baby and my hair product site. I just have to come up with some good ideas because I never write useless garbage on my site. I save that for my personal blog lol :lol:  .  Anyways enough of my rambling, I have an article idea and I must write it before I retire.

Well, I had my ultrasound at 21 weeks exactly on Friday. Everything went well and the baby is doing fine. He/She is so cute and tiny. His/Her hands were so small and so where the feet. I expected the feet and hands to be small, but he/she looked so small and dainty to me. I really hope that God answered my prayers and finally blessed me with a daughter because this is my final child. If my prayers are indeed answered that will be proof that he does hear and answer my prayers. Anyways, if it isn’t so then or well. I will still love and cherish my child regardless. It just will be a wonderful thing to be able to have a daughter and watch her grow up and become a woman of God. I refused to find out the gender to avoid any disappointment. I will like to enjoy my pregnancy without feeling a bit upset because my prayers weren’t answered.

I will update this post later with a few ultrasound pics real soon.

Anyways, I’ve been busy with my GrowBlackHair.NET site as usual. I plan on creating my own haircare line very soon as well. The first products I will offer will be my very own hair butter for twists, braids, and locks. A natural pomade which I have perfected YAY! A natural leave-in conditioner (Haven’t came up with a perfect concoction just yet.) I will also offer a sulfate free shampoo, clay based deep conditioner, moisturizing hair spray, and natural hair gel in the near future.

Eternally-me.COM – Vblog 1 from Samara Crayton on Vimeo.

The weirdest thing happened to me last night. I was really exhausted, but I couldn’t fall asleep just yet. I was in my bed looking out the window and the sky was a beautiful midnight blue, sprinkled with diamonds. The weirdest thing was the trees outside my window were full of green leaves. I then began to see flashes of light in the sky and I remember asking God, “Lord, why is the sky doing that?” I then saw a red light in the sky began to fall towards the ground. It looked like an airplane. I heard a loud crash and the airplane caused other disaster’s causing other airplanes to fall from the sky. It was so weird, I even saw cars, actual vehicles falling from the sky as well! After watching this in horror the sky went from blue to red. When I realized the sky changing color I concluded it to be a vision. During this time of year, the night sky is usually red and the trees are bare. I went to get a glass of water and went back to bed just to have one of my all time recurrent dreams.

This dream is usually a different scenario, but it always carries the same characteristics: the moon turning black and the great Tribulation period beginning. The dream started with me being chased by a demon possessed man whom was trying to stab me with an icepick. I ran outside and down the street and it was raining profusely. The rain was actually pouring from the sky like a pitcher and the city was being flooded. As I ran I finally got to my Mom’s house where the boys were. My mom gave them to me and my husband whom appeared suddenly, but we had no car and there was no way we could get to high ground with three children and no car. I told my Mom that we needed one of their vehicles (they have 3 cars). She refused. I told her that if she never hears from us again it will be because we drowned in the water since she couldn’t help us. She then gave us her car. I buckled the boys in and my husband got in the drivers seat. I told him to move over to the passengers side because 1 he can’t drive very well, 2 it’s my Mom’s vehicle, and 3 I was the only one that knew where the flooding was the worst from running through it. He acted as if he had an attitude. I didn’t really care much and began to pull out of the driveway as I looked up to the sky to observe the moon which was very huge – like it was very close to the Earth and it was also daylight. I watched as the moon began to turn to darkness as I prayed for God to forgive me for my sins.

I have had recurrent dreams of the moon turning to darkness for as long as I can remember. I’ve also dreamed of airplanes falling from the sky during the time of Armageddon. I don’t know why I keep having these dreams or what the visions really mean. All I can do is pray for God to give me some answers to what it all means.

In other news, in case you are wondering why I’ve been sick for the last few months it’s because I am pregnant. I have concluded that this will be my last child I birth. I want a daughter, but even if I am not blessed with a girl I will not be having any more children. Being pregnant is very tiresome and I have complications with every pregnancy. I bleed every time I’m pregnant and this is the last time I’m going to put myself through this. I’ve already been to the ER twice, 2 days ago was the last time I was there. I am 12 weeks pregnant today. I wanted to wait until I passed that 12 week mark before announcing it because I wanted to be pass the high risk of miscarriage.

I really can’t wait until I move out. My Dad is such an asshole and he shows favortism for Jean’neene like it’s nobody’s buisiness. Tell me why her 24 year-old boyfriend whom got her pregnant can come over and sit and eat and watch TV, but my boyfriend isn’t even allowed the yard?

Yesterday we threw a party for my Mom where I footed the grocery bill and My boyfriend brought Jea’neene’s boyfriend over. Why can he come in and eat MY food, but my boyfriend can’t?

Me and my baby had to stay outside for the rest of the night just to spend time with each other. Now is that unfair or what? Even my big brother agrees. My boyfriend has a daughter so it’s like my Dad holds that against him. I have 3 son’s so why is that an issue? I’d rather have someone with children because then than can understand what it’s like to have one as to having a person whom has no clue or patience.

Then Jea’neene ended up taking her boyfriend home and my Dad acts like that’s my fault because he was waiting on my boyfriend to take him home. That has nothing to do with me for one and of her wasn’t such a complete asshole we would’ve been in the house and knew when he was ready to leave. Also my sister runs her mouth so much about shit she doesn’t know about that it makes the situation worse when all she does is go and have sex with her boyfriend. Atleast me and my baby can hang out and not have to have sex! We actually have a relationship. They’re just sex partners and now that she is pregnant I guess she got what she want because she hasn’t been over there fucking him ever since she found out, but I’m the one being treated like the step-child!

I can not wait until I move out again.

I am so glad it’s Friday. I’m exhausted! I’m about to go home and take a nap for about an hour because I have to take Elijah to football practice tomorrow and he has a game tomorrow morning. I didn’t get too much sleep last night because my Mom waited until 11pm to start cooking beef stew!

I have to sleep downstairs on the floor on a blow-up mattress and it’s really hard to fall asleep if the lights are on in the next room, dishes are clacking, and the TV is going. I had to struggle to stay awake in school and we had an exam today on ServSafe Alcohol to get certified. I think I did well on the test, but I really don’t like taking exams when I’m tired like that. I really need my own place.

My sister is so aggravating too! She has this complex where every guy she gets with she always thinks she’s pregnant. Well this time around she is preggo. Now she thinks she’s “Miss All That” and she doesn’t have to do anything around the house. I buy her stuff all the time so when I asked her if she could bring me my ice cream because she went in the kitchen and got hers (which I bought) and her response was “No.” I reminded her that I did infact pay for the ice cream she was about to eat and her again snobbish reply was “So what. I’m the only thing that’s important.” If she wasn’t my sister I’d refer to her as a bitch because that actually how she was acting.

While she thinks she’s all that she looks like a complete idiot to me because she’s only known this guy for 2 1/2 months and now she’s pregnant by him. How stupid and foolish of her! Man At least I was living with my baby father whom I dated for 2 years before I had a child with him! I have to get out of that house ASAP because my sister has already begun to push the right buttons for me to end up going off on her. When you do as much as I do for her you are supposed to be treated with love and respect.

Another day pregnant….

Another week…

And then probably another…

Hopefully it doesn’t last this long. I know it will come to an end soon, but I am so ready for it to be over.

I went to the hospital and it turns out that it was false labor. I’ll just wait until I’m having unbearable pain before going to the hospital again. It’s so embarrassing to go and be sent home. That can really make a girl feel dumb…hopeless almost (“Will it ever end?).

I’ve continued to have irregular contractions that come and go as they please. I even had a few at work and then when I got home today along with all the other so-called “prelabor” symptoms.

I’m just weary of this pregnancy. I don’t want to succumb to saying I’m miserable because if I acknowledge that then I will be.

I just want my body back. I want my normal breast size and look back, I want to be able to fit my clothes again, and I’m tired of being uncomfortably hot because of the 10 degree high body temperature. I’m tired of carting this belly around and looking at myself in the mirror with it. I’ll be so happy when my wardrobe is no longer limited.

Right now since I’m normally a size 8/9, I can only fit 3 (babydoll) shirts, 1 pair of shorts, one sun dress and one skirt. That really sucks and I refuse to spend any more money on clothes that fit just to wear for 1-2 weeks or so.