Let me start off my entry today with a horrifying occurrence I experienced on Sunday afternoon…

Sunday is my clean up day so I was inside washing clothes, sweeping, mopping, washing dishes etc., while listening to my CD. My boys were outside in the backyard playing when my 8 year-old, Elijah comes inside telling me that a man was outside trying to touch and grab them! At this time I was in the kitchen making them lunch while on the phone with my uncle. I then ran outside and I didn’t see anyone, but I made the other 2 come inside as well and called the police.

I asked my son exactly what happened in detail and from what he explained, a young black man around the age 18-22 driving a blue Pontiac with a big white dog in the car pulled up in my driveway and parked his car in the front. He then then walked to the backyard and grabbed Jeremiah and Elijah by the arm with one hand and grabbed Destin with the other arm and proceeded to walk them to his car. My son stepped on the man’s foot (Elijah), and told him he was going to get his mommy. The man then let them go, ran back to his car, backed out of my driveway and drove off fast.

After reading the above what does this sound like to you? I do not have any issues with anyone in the area or in any surrounding area, and how does someone have the nerve to actually walk into my backyard? Why is something like this all of a sudden happening now? Why was the so-called kidnapper so stupid in the way he planned his attempt? Do you think what I am thinking?

When  I told my mom, she immediately assumed Brian had something to do with it. I also feel like he may have played a part in it as well because of how weird the events played out. These aren’t even his children and to go that great length to hurt me is very stupid and psychotic.  It could have also been random, but it really didn’t make any sense. I really feel like it was set up by someone I know and the only person I can think of is Brian. If he is in fact reading this, know this. If you are that stupid you are treading in dangerous water and you are setting yourself up for destruction, so I’d advise you to leave me and my family the fuck alone!

I am very proud of Elijah though. He gave such a detailed description of the man from his head to his feet to the officer that took the report. I really hope I never see that person for their own sake. I do not play when it comes to my children.

I couldn’t even sleep Sunday night. I just laid there all night thinking about what would’ve happened had that man succeeded in kidnapping my children. What a way to begin my first day of work! I had to go to work completely exhausted due to not getting any rest at all. It’s already bad enough I have to work in my third trimester of pregnancy, but to be tired from lack of sleep makes it worst. All in all, I am truly blessed by God. I have a rather decent job, my children are safe and sound, I have a loving family, and great friends. I also found out that my pregnancy will not effect my job now. I was originally going to be hired full-time, but since the attendance policy is so strict and I am so far in my pregnancy, my 90 days wouldn’t be up so I got hired as a PRN instead so my attendance wouldn’t effect my job. I can just sign up for as many 3rd shift positions or what positions are open as I want and work without having a permanent schedule. I can then take a few weeks off when I have the baby and when I come back, apply for the full-time position without having my employment affected. God works in mysterious ways doesn’t He?

No matter what people do to me, He will always provide for me and make a way out of no way. I put my situation in His hands and look at my results? Satan works through others to bring me down, but the power and strength of God is greater than any demonic energy that comes against me. Prayer does work and God does hear me all the time.

I don’t even know where to even begin when it comes to writing in this blog today. My day has been one of those days and I found myself so angry and full of rage because I am so sick and tired of the same repeated s*** time after time after time again! I am so tired. Why must I have to put up with this crap? I am just tired. It may sound repetitive, but I am. I feel like I am being swallowed whole. I pray for patience every night, but no amount of patience in this world can keep me calm when everything continues to go wrong over and over again. What do I need to do? Why can’t life just run smoothly for me, just once? Can or will I ever just get a break on this curse or whatever you want to call it? I do feel like I am cursed at times. Trouble follows me where ever and no matter what I do. Everything  just slips from my fingers tips and I never have control over it. It always happens this way, and before I know it, it is too late.

Maybe this is the time I should be counting my blessings. Complaining about my situation isn’t going to make it better, but it won’t make it worse either. I pray for faith every night too, because when things like this keeps going wrong, I begin to feel like I am losing my faith. Sometimes I feel like what’s the point of praying? It seems like nothing is going to get any better no matter how much I pray, but I have to find it within myself to have the faith of Job and pray even more when it gets tough. Now that I think about it, he had it worse than me. I don’t even know if I’d be strong enough to still praise and/or pray to God if I suffered like he suffered…

I’ve been through so much in my small life…

I remember during one of the toughest times in my life. I was lying on the carpet in my apartment in Florida. An abusive psychopath was sitting on my chest chocking me after already beating me and drowning my face a hair with a can of beer. It was then, in all my tears and agony that I pleaded for God’s help and even though it wasn’t a “supernatural” happening. Help arrived and I was delivered from evil.

So I guess writing in this blog helped me a bit this morning. I’m going to go pray now. It’s all I can really do. And ask God to forgive me for my anger. I really wish I could just humble myself at times. It is painful to my soul to be as angry and as full of total rage as I was today.

Goodnite, or should I say, Goodmorning.

The weirdest thing happened to me last night. I was really exhausted, but I couldn’t fall asleep just yet. I was in my bed looking out the window and the sky was a beautiful midnight blue, sprinkled with diamonds. The weirdest thing was the trees outside my window were full of green leaves. I then began to see flashes of light in the sky and I remember asking God, “Lord, why is the sky doing that?” I then saw a red light in the sky began to fall towards the ground. It looked like an airplane. I heard a loud crash and the airplane caused other disaster’s causing other airplanes to fall from the sky. It was so weird, I even saw cars, actual vehicles falling from the sky as well! After watching this in horror the sky went from blue to red. When I realized the sky changing color I concluded it to be a vision. During this time of year, the night sky is usually red and the trees are bare. I went to get a glass of water and went back to bed just to have one of my all time recurrent dreams.

This dream is usually a different scenario, but it always carries the same characteristics: the moon turning black and the great Tribulation period beginning. The dream started with me being chased by a demon possessed man whom was trying to stab me with an icepick. I ran outside and down the street and it was raining profusely. The rain was actually pouring from the sky like a pitcher and the city was being flooded. As I ran I finally got to my Mom’s house where the boys were. My mom gave them to me and my husband whom appeared suddenly, but we had no car and there was no way we could get to high ground with three children and no car. I told my Mom that we needed one of their vehicles (they have 3 cars). She refused. I told her that if she never hears from us again it will be because we drowned in the water since she couldn’t help us. She then gave us her car. I buckled the boys in and my husband got in the drivers seat. I told him to move over to the passengers side because 1 he can’t drive very well, 2 it’s my Mom’s vehicle, and 3 I was the only one that knew where the flooding was the worst from running through it. He acted as if he had an attitude. I didn’t really care much and began to pull out of the driveway as I looked up to the sky to observe the moon which was very huge – like it was very close to the Earth and it was also daylight. I watched as the moon began to turn to darkness as I prayed for God to forgive me for my sins.

I have had recurrent dreams of the moon turning to darkness for as long as I can remember. I’ve also dreamed of airplanes falling from the sky during the time of Armageddon. I don’t know why I keep having these dreams or what the visions really mean. All I can do is pray for God to give me some answers to what it all means.

In other news, in case you are wondering why I’ve been sick for the last few months it’s because I am pregnant. I have concluded that this will be my last child I birth. I want a daughter, but even if I am not blessed with a girl I will not be having any more children. Being pregnant is very tiresome and I have complications with every pregnancy. I bleed every time I’m pregnant and this is the last time I’m going to put myself through this. I’ve already been to the ER twice, 2 days ago was the last time I was there. I am 12 weeks pregnant today. I wanted to wait until I passed that 12 week mark before announcing it because I wanted to be pass the high risk of miscarriage.

I decided to watch The Book of Eli movie, starring Denzel Washington today. I was curious to see what it was all about and I enjoyed the movie until the end. There were a few parts of the movie that I didn’t care for, but I don’t want to spoil it so I’ll keep my opinion very simple. Overall the movie was great, but I did not appreciate Hollywood promoting a perversion of the Bible. They are so many new translations of the Bible that are all perversions of God’s word, and the Bible that was in this movie was one of them. At the very end of the movie the Bible isn’t a King James Bible. It’s a New King James Bible! That just killed it for me when it comes to this movie, but what do you expect? Nothing Godly comes from the world (Hollywood).

In other news we are suppose to be moving out of this God forsaken apartment into a house this week! I cannot wait to get out of here. I am tired of this place! The heat makes a loud banging  noise when it comes on. – It sounds like prisoners in chains, banging against the bars with them. Literally, that’s how loud it is.  On top of that, there’s this loud popping noise that I have to try to sleep through that happens from time to time over and over again. Of coarse we have the mice issue which we can hear them scurrying through the walls and on top of that I’m getting really sick and tired of someone leaving boxes of unwanted food outside my door like we’re some charity case or something! We have a fridge full of food and people have the nerve! It’s quite insulting! The food is usually just crap they don’t want, expired cans of stuff, and or stuff thats opened already! Why would I use your left over salt! Or sugar you tied in a food storage bag? Do I look that stupid or desperate to say the least? If it was that bad here, I could easily go up the hill(a few blocks) and ask my mom and dad for help before I ever feed my family the left over scraps out of someones cabinet! Seriously I can’t wait until we move out. I’m considering putting a note on our door stating:

Please do not leave food here, we are not a charity case! Thank you.

At first I thought it was just a nice gesture even though we didn’t need it, but when it started becoming an ongoing thing it’s really irritating and embarrassing! It gives people the impression that we don’t have anything and that we’re just this poor family, struggling just to put food on the table!!

I titled this entry self forgiveness because it was something I’ve been trying to do for so long, and I’ve just come to the realization that forgiving myself is impossible to do. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of people out there walking around with pain and shame and guilt upon their hearts because of something they have done in the past. These people may or may not be believers of God, but if they are they have already asked God for forgiveness and He has forgiven them, but they have come to some notion that now they must forgive themselves?

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

From what I’ve studied I have discovered that there is no where in God’s Word that we are to practice “self forgiveness.” For one it is impossible, and 2 it’s like us trying to be higher than God. We are to confess our sins and forgive one another so that God will forgive us, but we aren’t suppose to try to forgive ourselves.

So why do will feel so condemned even after we’ve asked God to forgive us? He’s forgiven us already so why do we still feel the guilt, shame and pain? The reason is because we are lacking faith. We are lacking faith that God has actually forgiven us and forgotten our transgressions. If you really think about it, those things that you have done in your past and have repented of and asked forgiveness for, do you really believe it in your heart that God has forgiven you? If you still feel shameful, and guilty, then no you haven’t.

I know that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. He was the perfect sacrifice, the perfect lamb. He paved the way for us to be forgiven and have everlasting life. God loved us this much that he gave his only son to die for our sins. If you believe Jesus died for your sins, have faith that your sins are forgiven. All you have to do is confess your sins, ask for forgiveness, and believe and have faith that God has forgiven you. This is something I must learn to do and this is something many others must learn to do also.

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I hope everyone’s New Year’s Eve will be better than mine tonight. Brian and I planned on going to a New Year Gala on the Nautica to do something special to bring the New Year in and we invited my sister and her “male friend” to go with us. She said ok, but then stated she wanted to spend it with her son so we could use her car because she was going to stay home with him. Then all of a sudden, at the last minute she claimed she was going to pick up some hours from another store at work, so our transportation to and from the event is gone and thank God we didn’t purchase the tickets in advance because they are nonrefundable. I really do wish people would tell the truth. I would respect her more if she’d just say she is going to spend time with some random guy or something instead of lying. Anyways, do you have any New Years Resolutions? Honestly, I don’t. I’m never really good at keeping them, but I do have a few things that I’d like to change about myself:

I want to start praying more. I do not pray enough. Even if it’s just before I go to bed and at meal times, it’s not enough. I forget to pray at meal times a lot too. I want my relationship with God to be a strong or stronger than the bond I have with my own parents meaning talking to Him more and not only when I’m asking for something. I like to thank Him for all his blessings whenever I can.

I want to start reading the Bible more. I used to read the Bible heavily, but I haven’t been reading the Word as much as I used to. Even though I know quite a lot, there is still so much more yet to be learned. So much wisdom, knowledge and understanding to gain. How can I minister to anyone without the proper wisdom and understanding?

I want to let go of my old ways. When I say this, I mean habits that I have acquired from living my life. All my hardships have conditioned my mind to think a certain way. I sometimes feel alone in the world, like everything is on me and I am afraid to ask for anything because I’m always thinking it’s too much to ask for. I was with someone for almost a decade whom was extremely cheap, complained about spending money on our family, and complained about anything I asked for stating I was a “gold digger” so I learned to get everything myself. Now I am with someone whom wouldn’t mind buying that $25 conditioner I want to try, or those $1.49 butterfly clips and $3 Denman brush, but it’s hard for me to accept that because I’m so used to having to rely on myself. We can be in the store and despite how cheap something may be, I’d only ask for one thing and wait to get the other’s myself. If my children need something I stress myself to make sure they get it because that’s the way it’s always been.  I’m not used to anyone taking care of me. I’m used to paying half of all the bills and if I don’t have my half then I have to pay that person(my significant other) back when I get it. This is the way it was for me, and even though it may sound stupid to you that someone would ask the mother of their children to pay them back, it’s the reality of what happened. So my goal is to let go of this preconditioned way of thinking and enjoy my new life.

These are my goals for 2010 so far, there not resolutions, but goals I will try to meet. I may look over myself and find more things I’d like to change, but so far these are the things that I will start working on, starting today.

I’ve always believed that when you get a woman pregnant whether you are married to them or not, that if you fail to provide for your child and/or children that God frowned upon you. I believe that it is a sin to do that, because it is clearly wrong. I never found any passages in the Bible on the subject of being a “deadbeat” until now:

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timonthy 5:8

Now that I’ve read this, I know now that the father’s of my children will be judged  and punished for their actions. It makes me feel better about the situation of my children when I see that even God acknowledges it. Even though I am now married and I have a man that helps me with my children, I still remember the years when I didn’t have anyone, but myself and my own family to lean on. While I was working hard to make a way for myself and children, dealing with low paying-high labor jobs, dealing with Children & Families Services, dealing with child support and not getting any help at all. They were and still are only worried about providing for themselves, doing what they want whenever they want, and having a wonderful time only worrying about themselves.

I can’t even ask my eldest son’s father for a dime. I have to be really desperate to ask him for anything but when I did contact him on Facebook he reads my message and never responds. I’ve sent him messages prior not even asking for money and he treats me and my son like we don’t even exist.  He hasn’t seen my son for 5+ years and he won’t even acknowledge me, but proudly displays my sons name on his Facebook account like he’s such a great “dad”.

My youngest two father is so pathetic and it’s even shameful to think that I was with someone like him. He spends his time making Youtube video’s of skinny 18 year-old girls acting like groupies and whores. I think one of the girls are suppose to be his girlfriend. Mind you I am 26 years old, what do I look like hanging out with a bunch of 18 year old’s or having an 18 year old boyfriend? When I saw the videos I was ashamed and embarrassed to say the least. This is what I had children with and wasted 6+ years on? He claims he does all this for the boys but it doesn’t make sense. The boys will never benefit from it, only he is benefiting from entertaining his sick perversions for sex. It’s really sad and even though I will never regret having my children, I do regret having them with their father’s.

With all this said, I will never talk bad about their fathers to them. I believe that I really don’t have to say much because in the end actions speak louder than words, but with that said, this is exactly why Brian and I are preparing to have them adopted. Their father’s don’t care about their well-being, but my husband and I do and I believe adoption is the best option for them. We will no longer have to deal with child support, Supportkids, their father’s not providing for them, etc. Once my children and I are free of those deadbeats for good, it will be a day worth rejoicing.

I know I haven’t updated in a while I’ve been so busy playing SecondLife, and working, and getting ready to start school at the Art Institute of Pittsburg. Tri-C hasn’t been working out for me so I’ve decided that online education is better for me. I’ve always been tired because I have to do so much just to get to and from school and now that I have a new job it has put an even greater strain on me, so I’ve decided to withdraw and start off fresh at the Art Insitute of Pittsburg Online.

With today being Easter(Ishtar, Semiramis) am I totally disgusted by this holiday and it’s practices. If you are curious to know why see the link below:

http://www.allaboutjesuschrist.org/origin-of-easter.htm

For those of you that don’t know I do not condone Christmas either or any other traditional Christian holiday because that is just what they are traditions.

In other news, Brian and I have been talking about marriage and how the wedding will take place. In all honesty I shy away from the big grand wedding tradition and I would be quite satisfied with a small simple wedding with our guest list under 25 people. I would like to be married outside in a beautiful gown (not a wedding dress) with my hair dressed up with flowers. I’d like a wedding cake, and a simple reception with a homecooked meal with members of my own family being the chef’s instead of an expenisve ass caterer. I’d also like to go to Cancun, Mexico for my honeymoon if possible. I really don’t want anything more than that. I’m fairly a simple woman and I don’t ask for much at all in life or in a man for that matter. All I want is someone that will love me and my children and will treat me and my boys with the utmost respect. Someone that will actually be a “man”, whom will live up to every expectation of that word in a bibical tense, because in this present day and time it doesn’t take much to be a man and it saddens me.

Today was a rather easy day. I took my cardio/fitness class and then I had to make up the class I missed 2 weeks ago so I had a short lunch and then I took a yoga/pilates class to make up that day. It was rather refreshing. I didn’t feel sore afterward, but lighter and more relaxed when I left the class. I wouldn’t mind adding some yoga and pilates to my actual daily routine because it just might help me cope with the stress I have to deal with daily at home.  I also had to take two exam’s yesterday which I did not even know about. I need to start paying more attention to my syllabus, but lately I’ve been so tired and off track that I haven’t been as on top of things as I was when I first started school. Hopefully after the Spring break and a little rest I can get right back on track. I’m going to at least shoot for achieving that goal anyways.

At home the drama continues… Yesterday I came home and I was so exhausted. I was only home for about 20 minutes when my mom comes up to me and starts arguing about  my phone conversations because I was talking to Brian 2 nights ago about the previous entry and my sister was downstairs listening to my conversation. She then brought up my blog again. Just like the drama queen my sister is,  she waits until I’m gone and tells my mom what I talked about with Brian. What is her reasons? To create drama. It’s like she feeds off  that shit or something. My sister is so immature for someone whom just had a baby and typical she really doesn’t have a life because she is always wrapped up in what I’m doing. If she wasn’t my sister, me and her would’ve been fault and I would’ve successfully kicked her drama loving ass.

My mom wanted to start quoting the Bible about me turning the other cheek and trying to say I’m being the devils tool because I won’t allow my sister to continue to dog me out. She really don’t want to take it there with me concerning the Bible because I may not go to church, but I know my Bible very well and the Bible also states that what my sister is doing (Tattling & meddling) is a sin.

1 Timothy 5:13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

Anyways, I’m going to spend my Spring break resting, catching up on my math, spending time with the boys(getting Jeremiah on a better sleep schedule) and spending time with Brian as well. I won’t be sitting around at home being irritated and annoyed. I want my vacation/break to feel just like what it is…a break!

Concerning yesterdays post: I picked 8:30-5:00pm to work because I don’t want to risk being late and I found a daycare closer to my home which will make it easier for me to get Elijah and the boys since everything is close together.

We went to this “Pre-Thanksgiving” Celebration and boy did it suck. When we got there the pastor (I didn’t know it was church related) announced a rapper who rapped about God and gave out candy. Then he prayed so we could eat and was singing and talking to the children that was in the line. He was asking them what they wanted to be when they grow up and I remember one boy said he wanted be a doctor or something. The pastor then started singing and said these exact words:

“When you get your check remember me. Remember me. Remember me.”

Maybe it’s just me, but that was wrong. Another pastor once again exposing himself as “money hungry” just like so many others are. This is why I am very leery now when it comes to churches. The last church I attended other than my mom’s (which is one of the rare good churches) was even worst with sex scandals, homosexuality, along with the pastor actually calculating how much money he wants to earn (250,000+) a year (see http://calledministries.org) if your are interested in seeing who I’m talking about. Instead of calculating how much money you want to make you should be calculating how many souls you plan to save!

Anyways enough of my rants about fake religion which if you are biblical you will see that this is only a sign of the times. “A form of godliness, although they have denied its power” (2 Timothy 3:5).

Just a little piece of information for those whom believe:

“Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ, ‘ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. [Matthew 24:4-14]

I’m tired of so many fake preachers and pastors and churches. I need something that’s the real deal. I’m honestly better off studying the Word on my own with the way the world is today.