I’ve been so busy the last couple of days with tending to the boys, work and cleaning the house, that I haven’t had a chance to update my blog.

So what’s been going on?

Well, a few days ago I took a yellow rose to Jeremy’s job as a symbol of friendship and restoration. Yesterday I gave him a red one for love and he took me to dinner at Olive Garden which I didn’t expect at all. I don’t know what I am doing. I kind of want to just let it be and move on because I feel like I’m wasting my time. Like I’m putting in effort to revive a dead plant with dried up roots instead of just getting a new plant. Hopefully you know what I mean…

I want my family, but then again I also want to be happy. I don’t want to be with someone that constantly hurts me, condemns and degrades me. I don’t want to have to worry about if and when I’m going to get betrayed next. I don’t want to be with someone whom has a family that will never accept me. I also want someone who will accept me as me.

When I was being sweet to Jeremy, writing letters, poems, drawing pictures, etc. He was busy hurting me. Now here I am back to the old me..the real me and he says that’s all he ever wanted. I wish he’d realize that before he ever hurt me that’s what he had. Why now do you realize who I am and then try to say that that’s not me? That has always been me, but when you’ve been emotionally murdered how can you be that way?

I don’t know what I should do. I feel like letting go because I don’t think it will last and get worse than before and I just can’t bear anymore pain.

Other than that I’ve been doing quite well at work. My 10 key is up to 135 kpm and my typing is at 22 wpm. I’ve gotten a perfect on every retype and an excellent review. All the instructors keep saying that I have such wonderful skills that I don’t even give myself credit for. One of the instructors encouraged me to pursue a career in office management because of my “great” skills. While the other encouraged me to pursue my dream as a school teacher and do web-design on the side. I’m so confused…I don’t know what to do anymore.

The only thing that I’m not confused about is moving to Florida. I hate it here and nothing can change my mind about that.